At this very moment, heartbroken Jake Duhaime sits at Starbucks with his laptop, incessantly voting in an attempt to show the world his pain. Go ahead, it's okay to snicker.

Finally an answer to the question, who would possibly spend the night in Rockefeller Center to watch on the Jumbotron as the IOC votes in Singapore? Apparently, Jake Duhaime, who is wearing at least five Olympics logos in his Times photo, and who seems despondent over New York's loss. And who's also, it's worth noting, not from New York.

Per usual, we can't attest to whether or not this is actually a legitimate ad, but a reader with a Yahoo! Personals habit has alerted us to a very heartfelt listing:

It's the best news we've heard since Shelly Silver, bless his heart, finally killed the West Side Stadium: The IOC knocked New York out of the running for the 2012 Olympics early this morning. And, in an even bigger blow to Dan Doctoroff's ego, our fair city was only the second one eliminated, before even Madrid.

• We've failed you yet again: Mariah Carey performed for last night's fireworks with a six pack that looks as if it was painted on by her makeup artist — and we've no idea what it all means. [cityrag]
• Top-notch socialite Nan Kempner passed away on Sunday; she was 74 and had been suffering from emphysema. Now the upper crust is left in the hands of Paris Hilton. [Vogue UK]
• Playboy is looking for an "experienced writer/editor." We've no idea what sort of experience they're looking for, but we're betting it's not what you're thinking. Now go wash your hands. [mediabistro]
• Would you like fries with your bling? McDonald's is in talks with Puff Daddy and Tommy Hilfiger about redesigning their employee uniforms. [AdAge]

Vanity Fair has Martha Stewart on its next cover, and what she has to say isn't particularly surprising. She's not sorry ("You can't be sorry for something that — let's see, how can I say this? I'm on appeal. You don't appeal if you think that you should be sorry."), house arrest is no fun ("I hate lockdown. It's hideous."), and her forthcoming ripoff of The Apprentice won't go so far as to ripoff The Donald's trademark phrase ("For instance, if someone is from Idaho, I could say, 'You're back in Boise for apple-picking time.'"). It's just so much fluffy VF blah blah blah, we were figuring.

We never said today's blind items were incredibly challenging; we merely noted that they were of varying in levels of difficulty. Judging from your response, those levels would be "duh" and "no fucking shit." While no one likes to be coddled with their gossip, at least Page Six respects the sheer torture of easing back into work today. That being said, your "guesses" follow...

• The new blog "How to Marry an Investment Banker" is, we're pleased to say, not at all what we thought it was going to be — and is therefore much more intriguing. [How to Marry an Investment Banker]
• Did you miss the debut last week of Being Bobby Brown. Yeah, us too. But thank God for screengrabs and excessive subtitling. [fourfour]
• Ladbroke's currently has 25-to-1 odds against New York's bid for the 2012 Olympics winning tomorrow. Frankly, we're finding that disconcertingly close. [The Politicker]

Ah, there's nothing like Independence Day as celebrated inside the super-privileged gates of the Malibu Colony, where underwhelming fireworks displays crackle above (no one wants a stray bottle rocket turning their home into a $15 million tinderbox), the A-list cavort patriotically without fear of holiday-related peasant contact, and bags of blow flutter happily to the ground like unexploded blooming flowers. The Defamer Special Fourth of July Correspondent files this report from the 'Bu Colony:

• Nothing like a good old-fashioned monolouge slam to get rid of your post-4th of July malaise. Try Bowery Poetry Bar's aptly-titled Manhattan Monolouge Slam at 8:00 PM. [flavorpill]
• Literary do-gooders Sarah Vowell, Joyce Carol Oates, Akhil Sharma, and others participate in a reading hosted by David Sedaris at Cooper Union in support of 826NYC, the writing center founded up literary do-gooder numero uno, David Eggers. [826NYC]
• We couldn't find a third to-do listing that held up to our usual scrutiny (we ran out of drugs and can't concentrate), so we're picking one at random from our friends at upcoming.org. Oh My! Levy is playing at Rothko tonight. Go forth and multiply, downtown trash. [Upcoming]

In the afterglow of our national celebration, one is often prompted to look at the current state of affairs and, much like our nation's forefathers, fight for change. Nowhere is this more evident than when dealing with the pressing issue of public restrooms and the egregious line a lady must deal with just to drain herself. Some women, be them sassy or smart, have taken to abandoning the ladies' room altogether in favor of the much quicker men's room. But when a woman dares to prevent men from entering their designated potty, we are faced with a threat to our freedom:

Sightings are sent in by readers brave enough to avoid the L.I.E.; send yours to tips@gawker.com.

After joining the ladies, Tom then begins his ritual couch-jumping.
Reason number 472 to avoid Star Jones: It's War of the Worlds Day on The View, which means Tom Cruise and his bearded bride-to-be are bouncing right into Barbara Walters' lap. When asked to explain his recent antics, Cruise earnestly said, "I can't restrain myself." After the jump, visual proof that this is, indeed, the case.

• Britney Spears' rep says the pregnant popbot will not be posing nude on the cover of Vanity Fair, and the nation exhales. [Page Six]
• An intense and heartbreaking analysis of why a staffer could never realistically pee in Star editor Bonnie Fuller's coffee. See, Lloyd Grove is good for something. [Lowdown (last item)]
• We're not sure why we care, but the idea that Tony Danza may be axed from his own show and replaced by Gloria Estefan is completely fascinating. [Page Six]
• When Noel Ashman wants to protect his Meatpacking District NA nightclub, he does what any businessman would: He has his mommy change the locks. [R&M]

In a review of the 'net writer compilation Bookmark Now: Writing in Unreaderly Times, Wired News mentions Mediabistro EIC Elizabeth Spiers'* tongue-in-cheek take on last year's wave of "blogs are over" articles, in which she discusses internet jackanapes Andrew Krucoff's decision to make his Other Page blog into a print magazine:

Even the most hardened of New Yorkers know that watching the city's fireworks is a special experience. For just 40 minutes, we try to forget our Blue State sensibilities and celebrate the spirit of our nation with warm, patriotic fuzzies from our jaded hipster hearts. To wit, a brief list of the sentiments overheard during a crowded fireworks celebration on a downtown rooftop:

A Tennessee footsoldier invades the streets of New York.

So after the City section's discovery of a few weeks ago — the neverending discovery, with article upon article examining every yuppie virtue of the borough from every conceivable angle, in as many paragraphs as possible — this weekend the Times Magazine got in on the game, too, with a back-page lives column by a woman who has lived in Iran, Argentina, Miami, Australia, Manhattan, Ireland, and Brooklyn, and, natch, loves Brooklyn best of all. ("It's starting to get embarrassing," confessed a dedicated Park Sloper friend of ours over July Third hamburgers.)

The Japanese dude scarfed only 49 dogs yesterday at the Nathan's Famous Fourth of July International Hot Dog Eating Contest in Coney Island. That's well down from the 53.5 he ate last year, setting the world record. It seemed the perfect opportunity for some homegrown talent to step up, to take advantage of the opening and reclaim the Coveted Mustard Yellow International Belt. It was a chance for American eaters to stand strong, be resolute, stay the course, and engage in various other boosterish aphorisms. It seemed, after all, that the 150-pound Japanese guy was in his last throes.

Because some of you are a bit more hung over than others, today's Page Six blind items range from levels of "duh" to the slightly challenging: