The mystery surrounding what band is offering a job to ousted American Idol contestant Chris Daughtry is now solved: A press release in our inbox confirms it's Fuel. (Which we predicted earlier, then quickly dismissed due to being promised a "major," "big deal" name.) So Daughtry now has a very important decision to make: Let a bland, radio-friendly hard rock outfit who haven't had a hit in half a decade ride his coattails back up the Billboard charts, or let 19 Entertainment repackage him as bland, radio-friendly hard rock solo artist. And while Daughtry has been candid about his disappointment in his post-mortem interviews today, it's the folks back home who just about break your heart. Reports the LAT:

There will be plenty of debate today in the country's middle-school cafeterias about just what went wrong for American Idol favorite Chris Daughtry last night, who in a stunning upset was voted off by the American public. (Or, as we have long suspected, a cabal of stringy-haired, English Idol producers with far too much at stake to let the stupid Yankee population decide such matters.) AOL has video of the moment; it's kind of like the ultimate snuff-porn for people who get off on watching other people's disappointment. And while we have our own theories as to why Daughtry was fated to be ripped away from Ryan Seacrest's grabby arms (four words: bald guy with sideburns), all is not lost for the rocker. TMZ reports a special surprise awaits him should he tune into Extra tonight:

Many saw similarities between American Idol's most recent contestant evictee, 17-year-old Paris Bennett, and the show's previous winner, Fantasia, but what really set the two cartoon-voiced, soulful songbirds apart was backstory. For while Paris was merely a nice kid from a good family (read: bo-ring), Fantasia's life unfolded like a charmed, inner-city fable: Unwed, teenage mother comes from dead-end poverty street (and, it later comes out, hides illiteracy) to win America's ultimate popularity contest. Just when you thought Fantasia's life couldn't be any more charmed, however, there's more: THR reports that she will star as herself in a Lifetime biopic.

· The success of NBC's Deal or No Deal has erased every network's institutional memory of the primetime gameshow flops following the Who Wants to be a Millionaire? craze, as the nets scramble to once again get their copycat offerings on the air. Especially promising is Fox's obligatory knockoff, Yelling At Sequentially Numbered Duffel Bags Full Of Cash. To be hosted, of course, by a soul-patched Chuck Woolery. [Variety]
· Jack Black joins director Michael Gondry for the suitably surreal comedy Be Kind Rewind, about a man who must remake all the movies in his friend's video store after his magnetized brain destroys them all. [THR]
· Richard Gere and Terrence Howard are in talks to star in Spring Break in Bosnia, the (apparently seriocomic) tale of some journalists who are mistaken for a CIA hit squad in Bosnia. [Variety]
· ABC picks up a third full season of Boston Legal, a development that may temporarily slow William Shatner's enthusiasm for bizarre side business as he worries a little less about not having a steady paycheck. [THR]
· Fox plans to sell downloads of individual American Idol performances in both video and audio formats, allowing the modern entertainment consumer to never be far from his favorite Chris Daughtry cover of a Creed song. [Variety]

The two most abnormal celebrity byproducts to emerge from American Idol's fame-cultivating laboratories, Hollywood pygmies Paula Abdul and Ryan Seacrest, are either in the midst of a bitter feud or not, depending on whom you ask:

And yet somehow "High Scorer Wins 'Jeopardy!'" isn't considered a top story?

MTV.com sat down with the stars of American Dreamz, the Paul Weitz comedy that fancifully depicts a world in which America is obsessed with a televised singing competition and has a moron for a President, and asked them just how much of the movie comes directly from its real-life counterpart:

American Idol's producers would be hard pressed to bring any more viewers to their massive hit series than they already do, short of maybe adding an Agatha Christie-inspired element in which contestants were disposed of in creatively macabre ways that corresponded to their song lyrics. (Bucky smothered to death by a fat bottomed girl, etc...) Then again, if it ain't broke, why fix it with our convoluted reality show snuff fantasies? And at $1.3 million per spot for the show's two-person sing-off finale, Idol is definitely not broke:

A tight-lipped Teri Hatcher appears to be suffering from a case of buyer's remorse since her face-sucking demo with American Idol boy-masseur/waste of 21 million E! dollars Ryan Seacrest. We just wish Hatcher would follow her heart, naysayers be damned: As far as we're concerned, the fact that he used to be an Oprah Winfrey Show-addicted nacho glutton only makes him cuter.

We're not entirely sure what draws such a highly disproportionate amount of twins, convicted felons, and combinations thereof to the American Idol party. Not even sweet-natured good ol' boy Bucky Covington is exempt: You may recall the husky-voiced country singer introducing America to an identical (and we mean down to every snaggletooth and unwieldly strand of blonde hair) twin brother named Rocky. Back in 1998, when an auto accident could have landed Rocky in jail for having a suspended license, the boys' father concocted a plan to bring in Bucky to dupe the authorites. The other party played along, until his own father found out what really happened and called the cops, landing both twins in front of a judge:

Yesterday, we post-mortemed the premature departure of American Idol contestant Mandisa from the show, asking whether her widely rumored hostility towards adherents of sex involving more than one set of testicles played a part. In their interview with the singer, The Advocate pushed the large-and-no-longer-in-charge diva into a corner, until she finally coughed up the ugly gay-hate within:

When vocal powerhouse/Jesus aficionado Mandisa was kicked off of America Idol last night, Fox's ratings monster continued a long-standing tradition of eliminating a plus-sized diva well before her time. Of course, this is hardly the end of the road for the singer: A fulfilling career of performing on gay cruise ships is hers if she should so choose. But since a report surfaced in The Advocate linking her to a prominent anti-gay writer, followed by a suspiciously worded introduction to an Idol performance in which she said, "This song goes out to everyone who wants to be free. Your addiction, lifestyle, or situation may be big, but God is bigger," many have been whispering that Mandisa may have alienated her core audience before she even built one. TMZ.com, clearly frustrated at not having the contestant around anymore to video-stalk as she tries on clothes at Ashley Stuart, uses the iffy tabloid algebra of "rumor/outcome=connection" to blame her downfall on her alleged anti-gay affiliations:

The competition was fierce on American Idol last night. Not the singing—just give it to Katharine McPhee already—but the ongoing "No, YOU'Re gayer" slapfest between two of the swishiest allegedly heterosexual males on primetime TV, Simon "Bitch in a Muscle Shirt" Cowell and Ryan "Boy-Handsy" Seacrest. Reality Blurred offers a recap of their most recent claw-sharpened exchange:

American Idol fan favorite and heir apparent to the adult contemporary metal throne Chris Daughtry has been accused of rocking a bird to death, according to TMZ.com:

For those of us who actually look forward to our weekly dose of dippiness courtesy of future toxicology report subject Paula Abdul, wonderful news: She has renewed her American Idol contract for three more seasons:

Paula Abdul has set the record straight on her non-stop freak parade of emotionally erratic behavior and incoherent stream of consciousness ramblings: It was not, as it turns out, the byproduct of her penchant for crushed Klonopin-rimmed margaritas, but in fact just Simon Cowell being a mischievous little gremlin. Now that that's all settled, let's all just sit back, relax, and breathe in the crazy:

A Defamer reader, perhaps new to the American Idol party, writes in with a reasonable request:

• A possible ingredient list for the impending child of Jann Wenner and his boyfriend, Matt Nye: Jann's sperm, petri dish, Nye's sister. Mix until the batter is smooth and supple like a young Adonis. [Page Six]
• Kevin Costner's reps deny that he is the Hollywood superstar suspected of fondling his golf club in front of a masseuse at St. Andrews. While they concede the actor enjoyed his time at the golf resort, they deny that Costner is even close to being considered a Hollywood presence. [R&M]
• Paula Abdul claims Simon Cowell has been making her act like a nutjob on American Idol. Well, Simon and the 'ludes, that is. [Scoop]
• The Bush twins were test-tube babies. You needed to know, admit it. [Page Six]
• Because of their published investigation on Scientology, Kirstie Alley tells Rolling Stone that their "cool factor just dropped to Reader's Digest." We'd argue that it wasn't the Scientology piece that did it. [Lowdown (2nd item)]

There can only be one American Idol, the Fox singing contest often reminds us, and assuming for a moment you care about such things, this year is anyone's game. For example, resident studcake Ace Young was in last week's bottom three, while the excruciating, lisping musical stylings of Kevin Covais look to be with us for quite some time as he sails through each round with miraculous ease. Today, the LAT consults a group of "paranormal authorities" in order to sort through the hard-to-handicap fifth season:

Perhaps the airport's brain-scrambling metal detectors were the source of Paula's bizarre behavior at the taping last night, which she did manage to get to on time, in body at least. When asked for insights and words of encouragement for departing contestants, Abdul was barely able to get out some indecipherable food-related sentiments before erupting into a cascade of giggles and tumbling into Simon Cowell's lap (partial video above):