• Paula Abdul [YouTube]

Inaugural American Idol winner Kelly Clarkson's Monday night appearance with local hair metal comedy act Metal Skool seems a little too well-photographed to have been spontaneous, despite her almost convincing, "Gee whiz, I was just minding my own business here in my sweater vest and suddenly I'm on stage, chugging Chivas from the bottle, and playing the air-nipples" act, but this video of the possibly choreographed cameo is worth watching just to hear guitarist Satchel's come-on/threat of "I will fuck your skull" in the opening seconds, a line that Simon Cowell will surely appropriate for the next season of Idol. (Video possibly NSFW due to the shouting of various profanities, so be forewarned.)

Perhaps you've recently had the opportunity to sample the new Justin Timberlake single as it thumped out of an H3 idling nearby—a C+C Music Factory-inspired slice of suckiness entitled "SexyBack." You'll be hearing a lot more from Timberlake as we near the September 12 release date of his not-at-all pretentiously titled record, "FutureSex/LoveSounds," such as a recent interview with Vanity Fair in which he shared some uncensored thoughts on American Idol winner Taylor Hicks:

Approximately 10,000 hopefuls of varying degrees of non-talent gathered at the Rose Bowl for the first day of American Idol's sixth season auditions. All foster dreams of being crowned the next instant superstar on the stage of the Kodak Theater, perhaps even rendering David Hasselhoff a salty puddle of blubbering emotion in the process. With an army-sized talent pool to winnow down in a limited amount of time, it should come as no surprise that the preliminary rounds are fast and furious:

More details have emerged concerning the incident involving a man whuppin' his Mama over the head with an "object attached to a bicycle chain," in retaliation for voicing her thoughts on Katharine McPhee's post-American Idol career prospects. Speaking out in defense of her troubled boy, Cory K. Favreau, Jan Chagnon wants the world to know that her son is no mace-swinging, card-carrying Soul Patrol maniac:

· Idol champ Taylor Hicks wound up working at Wal-Mart even more quickly than we thought he would.
· If you can first get past the shocking fact that the $17,000 binky gifted to Shiloh Jolie-Pitt exists, have fun reading about what else that $17K could buy in Africa.
· Jared Leto is actually kind of good at the "acting like a total asshole" part of being a rock star.
· The Break-Up has risen 32% on the Tomato Meter in a mere two days! If they can dig up another hundred reviews, they might break the 50% barrier by Monday.
· Mothers are terrified to have their babies on 6/6/06, fearing that their children will be born into the world as shitty horror movie remakes.

After the 63.4 million American Idol finale votes were tallied (more than for any president*, as Ryan Seacrest pointed out in probably the most depressing single statistic you'll hear this year), we once again saw a popular red state candidate edge ahead of the blue, leaving the nation with the terrifying prospect at least 12 more months of subpar Joe Cocker covers. Idol even managed to pit family member against family member:

· In an instant message interview with AOL Music today, Jared Leto announced to the world he's as "gay as a goose." He wisely waited until his fatty period was over, avoiding an embarrassing rejection by his new adoptive people.
· In further goose news, if you haven't seen this moment from last night's American Idol finale, in which one of their creepiest early rejects gets the panty-pooping shock of his life when Clay Aiken (who appears to have found a new best friend in Garnier Nutrisse) joins him on stage, well...you must. You simply must. And while we're at it, here's Kevin Covais, who's probably getting more puthy than you ever thought potthible, warbling through a Bacharach classic.
· And in even further goose news, we proudly present the following comic book movie headlines: "Superman' Director Bryan Singer Relates To Outcast Hero," and "The 'X-Men' come out."
· Our grandmother is a sexier, more coordinated dancer than Paris Hilton. Oh, and there's a nipple slip in there, which would really thrill and titillate us if we hadn't already been introduced to her clitoris on multiple occasions.

· The American Idol finale numbers are in and predictably huge, as 36 million people tuned in to watch Taylor Hicks embark on a career of overwrought, Idol-supplied ballads and Joe Cocker covers. As the Reporter notes, that total is "nine times the population of Hicks' native state of Alabama," where Hicks will be named emperor-for-life in a ceremony later today. [THR]
· People suddenly start caring about the NBA Playoffs this season, spurring a ratings surge helping justify ABC, TNT, and ESPN's massive investment in televising pro basketball games. [Variety]
· Hustle & Flow director will stay with Paramount to make Maggie Lynn, the country music-centered third installment of his "music that people in Tennessee seem to like" trilogy. [Variety]
· Studios and networks are suing Cablevision for offering its "RS-DVR" on-demand service, which allows customers too forgetful to set their own DVRs to watch programming the cable provider has pre-recorded for them, on the grounds that the nets and studios need more time to launch their own services aimed at further bleeding the lazy. [THR]
· Sofia Coppola's dad rides on the coattails of his famous filmmaker daughter, decides to give the directing thing a whirl. [Variety]

Any exhausting, hours-long orgy is bound to have unexpected moments of transcendence punctuating its otherwise mechanical, fill-every-hole excess, when the right body part finds its way into the perfect orifice, momentarily elevating the entire enterprise into something far greater than the sum of its hopelessly entangled, blindly thrusting parts. Last night's American Idol finale generated its indelible moment in the waning seconds of its two-hour talent show of the damned, when cameras caught former Baywatch icon and pop-star-in-his-own-right David Hasselhoff misting up as silver-maned, low-grade seizure sufferer Taylor Hicks was finally named this season's champion, spilling the unselfconscious tears of one who realizes he's witnessing the birth of another music career that will only be properly appreciated in Germany.

Because American Idol is not merely a television show but rather a very popular television show, news about its winner has been elevated — perhaps everywhere, but certainly at the Times — from the remote precincts of the Arts section to the sober pages of the National Report, where today, for the second consecutive edition, Alessandra Stanley is given an A-section spot for her musings about cheesily overwrought TV-show singers. But you know what makes Alessandra's report today particularly compelling? That we count at least three errors.

· Freelance McPheever sufferer Tori Spelling betrays the Idol hopeful by supporting Taylor Hicks. Things don't get much better for McPhee as she can only draw semi-celebrity support from Mimi Rogers, who may just be trying to bring the dabbler into the fold.
· As a matter of fact, McPhee can't even catch a break with the babies.
· Gawker looks at the ways various media outlets handled the panty problem that cropped up in photos of ABC head Steve McPherson's much buzzed-about upfronts dance.
· Luckily, once getting fat for a movie role became inconvenient for Janet Jackson, Mariah Carey was prepared to step in and take over.

Desperate for a new marketing campaign after their last tagline—"We make animal cruelty taste delicious!"—failed to connect with upscale urban markets, KFC has decided to hop aboard the tidal wave of American Idol mania currently sweeping the country to promote their new "Famous Bowls" line of heart-attacks-in-a-cup. In an ingenious bit of parasitic programming, the fast food chain is dangling the incredible prize of a $10,000 jingle-recording contract in front of tonight's second-place finisher:

· Coming into tonight's close of the 2005-06 TV season, Fox (adults 18-49), ABC (just behind Fox in the key demo, but has "the most water-cooler shows") and CBS (total viewers) all have claims to having the most success. NBC, however, doesn't have to share its proud strangehold on fourth place with anyone. [Variety]
· Adorable off-screen couple Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams are still picking their projects together, as they both join the cast of the Bob Dylan biopic I'm Not There. [THR]
· The French are still working through their feelings for Sofia Coppola, offering up a mix of "Gallic-accented boos" (le boo?) and applause at the Cannes press screening of Marie Antoinette. [Variety]
· Queen Latifah tries to atone for Taxi by taking on a tour de force role as a formerly crack-addicted AIDS activist in the HBO film Life Support. [THR]
· Fox humiliates the competition behind the first night of the American Idol finale, which drew over 125 million viewers and may top six billion for tonight's pop star coronation. [Variety]

Seeing a golden opportunity to expand her visibility from the confining Nielsen restrictions of a basic cable comedy to the potential mass audience the America Idol final showdown could afford her, Tori Spelling was one of the first to answer the open Idol casting call seeking "upper middle class, Sherman Oaks types" who could adequately "feign genuine affection for Katharine McPhee." (An attempt to beef up the contestant's rather anemic show of local support on hometown visit week.) Producers, impressed with Spelling's lengthy resume, cast her immediately in the role of "Katharine's best friend Staycie," but still felt the need to bolster the scene with a veteran background actor in the role of "Aunt Jan."

We really, really didn't want to have to think about Ryan Seacrest again today, but a news bulletin arriving from the Extra publicity department concerning a mishap the Idol host suffered when he decided to sit on a glass table not rated to support his less-than-burly frame have ruined an otherwise blissfully Seacrest-free afternoon. An excerpt from the press release:

Previous American Idol runner-ups have gone on to careers on Broadway, total obscurity, or alleged gay affairs with former members of elite military units, but this year, producers of television's most popular show are looking to mix up the formula. Following the coronation of this year's winner on tomorrow night's season finale, former Idol champions Kelly Clarkson, Ruben Studdard, Fantasia Barrino, and Carrie Underwood will join the judges in beating the second-place finisher to death with bamboo rods, then devour the bloodied, broken body of the unlucky contestant before a television audience expected to surpass 30 million viewers. Ryan Seacrest, of course, will pretend to be appalled by the display, decrying the callousness with which Simon Cowell critiques the "stringiness" of the raw flesh, but a glimmer in his eye will let us all know he's secretly pleased by the carnage unfolding in front of him.

· Brangelina news update: Number two adoptee Zahara is stricken by British-tabloid-transmitted mystery illness! Also, Namibia releases a paparazzo they jailed for trying to snap a picture of the pregnant Jolie, freeing him up to be brutalized by a bodyguard or devoured by a lion on his next intrusive attempt to photograph her swollen stomach.
· The Laughing Yogi will seriously freak your shit out. Do not under any circumstances view while high. [via boingboing]
· "Grown Iraqi men get misty-eyed by the mere mention of his name. 'I love Lionel Richie,' they say. Iraqis who do not understand a word of English can sing an entire Lionel Richie song."
· We refuse to believe that there is anyone in Sherman Oaks who is not suffering from a 103-degree case of McPheever. Those Oakies saw the Times coming a mile away.

· Let it be known that despite rampant internet reports to the contrary, future Defamer war bride and American Idol contestant Katherine McPhee is not a Scientologist, just another lost soul who was trying to sleep with one.
· If the genius Panopticist spends this much time figuring out what's wrong with the clock on 24, you can be damn sure we're gonna read every obsessive word about it.
· This must be the revenge for all those kittens killed by God to punish the world's masturbators. That ceiling feline is going to wind up on Stuff On My Cat any day now, and it ain't gonna be pretty.
· And if you're too classy to kill a kitten to your favorite celebrity, there are safer options with which you can fill that particular need.
· "Ugh, though — The Black Donnellys. OK, the Crash guy is behind it, and it's got that Irishy mournful Mystic River spirit to it. People think it's TV gold. But Crash was trite and preachy. Aha—and so is this." So bloggeth the NY Times' Virginia Heffernan to a chorus of amens from our section of the congregation.

No matter what George Clooney can do or say to get people to focus on the genocide in Darfur, the only crime against humanity Americans are currently interested in involves the elimination of Chris Daughtry from American Idol. Somehow, having a platform of 40 million people hanging on your every Creed cover note for months wasn't nearly reward enough, as the guy has been telling anyone who'll listen how he's been robbed of the Idol tiara. (And, according to this amusing Photoshop montage, that was just the start of many shafts to follow.) It turns out, however, we may be looking at a Florida recount-type situation, as some voters are complaining their calls were directed to the wrong contestant: