Joaquin Phoenix In Rehab: Oh, Bartelby! Oh, Humanity!
As if the Federletus' verified existence weren't reeling enough, now we're forced to deal with yet another celebrity crisis: Joaquin Phoenix has checked himself into an undisclosed rehab facility for alcoholism. Yes, we know you were desperately wondering where he had been lately.
And here's what the news outlets missed: Joaquin's rehab is taking place in the present day.
Since Phoenix's brother, River, OD'd outside Viper Room in 1993, it's our (admittedly inappropriate) duty to ask the real questions: How long until Joaquin is dead? Can we add a few years to his life span if we keep him away from Johnny Depp?
