• The contestants on this season of Donald Trump's Apprentice have been threatened with "severe consequences" if they violate non-disclosure agreements. Frankly, we can't imagine a consequence more severe than simply appearing on the show, but we're sure Trump and Mark Burnett will cook up something pervy. [Lowdown]
• Jessica Simpson fears that younger sister Ashlee will either party herself into serious trouble, or burn down the house while microwaving popcorn. [Page Six]
• Did People executive editor Peter Castro get passed over for the top job at TV Guide because Rupert Murdoch doesn't like the ethnic flavor? [Gatecrasher]
• Larry David's summer home on Martha's Vineyard becomes an epicenter of yuppie controversy, as contractors destroy protected vegetation to create a giant fire pit, barbeque, and stage area. David, being an environmentalist, blames his lawyer. [Page Six]
• The wise handlers for former President Bill Clinton won't allow the liberal ladykiller to be photographed alone with model Petra Nemcova. Pity, we really wanted to see him offer her some post-tsunami comfort. [R&M]
• Michael Jackson thanks his fans for sticking with him while he drunkenly shared his bed with young boys. [Scoop]

• OK! magazine scraps a story depicting Kevin Federline as a bad husband and father after Britney Spears's people threw a hissy fit. Pussies. [Lowdown (2nd item)]
• On the press tour for Johnny Cash biopic Walk the Line, star Joaquin Phoenix nears meltdown status. Your heart has to go out to his flack, who had to explain why Phoenix asked an AP reporter "Do I have a large frog in my hair?" [Page Six]
• The best part about the logo for Jesus Juice wines, which blatantly mocks Michael Jackson? That the whole idea was thought of by CBS news producer Bruce Rheins. [R&M]
• Sharon Osbourne goes after Madonna, again, this time for looking like an "old hooker." We prefer to think of her as a majestic old lady of the night, but whatever. [Scoop]
• At the Paper nightlife awards, blogger Sarah "Ultragrrl" Lewitinn wins three awards, signifying traditional media's acceptance that bloggers and barflies are not mutually exclusive. [Page Six]

The Rheins-Westlake Winery will serve no wine before its time. And when exactly is the correct time to sample their exclusive "Jesus Juice" Merlot? Easy! Simply wait for the big hand to touch the little hand! (And to the anonymous author of that highly versatile, always funny joke: we salute you.)

It seems that Michael Jackson's plans to recreate the Neverland experience in far-flung Dubai are nearly complete. From Page Six:

Perhaps the most cunning of all the hurricane aid scams is Michael Jackson's hurricane relief song, tentatively titled "From the Bottom of My Heart," the proceeds from which will be embezzled quietly to fund Jackson's reported radical "macho makeover" and the construction of Neverland Palace and Children's Cancer Hospice in Bahrain. If you really want to entrust a celebrity with your money, you're better off funding Sean Penn's Water Rescue Fund.

If ever there were a sign that all the Michael Jackson mishegass might finally, completely be over, this is it: Court TV has fired Diane Dimond.

· Crafting an incredibly lifelike representation of Sienna Miller out of Blu-tak has to be worth more than a single British pound. Doesn't anyone appreciate craftsmanship anymore?
· Fametracker comes up with a pretty good name for the Big Three celebrity rags: Ustarple. Never waste your breath differentiating between them again!
· Porn is all around you, you just need to know where to look.
· "Medieval sword, mallet, armor no match for ye olde Taser"—The Smoking Gun illustrates why RenFair revolts don't happen as often as we'd like.
· Just because one of the Michael Jackson jurors had a thing where she secretly communicated with Jackson's mom, and coordinated the occasional outfit with her, doesn't mean there was any funny business going on.

When Michael Jackson was felled by a "severe flu" in the middle of his child molestation trial, we speculated that he was preparing for the worst by buying time to "fake his death, gather the seeds of a new, utopian Neverland society from the talent roster at Nickolodeon, and escape to the secret colony he’s prepared on the dark side of the moon." As it turns out, Jackson may have had a far more rational plan for self-preservation in the event of a conviction:

Is there something unsettlingly familiar about Johnny Depp's portrayal of Willy Wonka in the upcoming Charlie and the Chocolate Factory? The E! Online wonders aloud:

While the world does its best to bite the towel of acceptance and endure the existential Brazilian wax it received in Michael Jackson's acquittal, we must strive to remember the silent victims—the MJ impersonators who lurk near the Chinese Theater and the countless others who share this regrettable vocation. A reader snapped this pic of a lonely Jacko near Hollywood and Highland, who can only watch in impotent dread as tourist attention forsakes him for Darth Vader and a minion. The crushed, ersatz Jacko's body language suggests that he realizes that no fake Jesse Jackson will appear to offer counsel in this time of spiritual crisis.

· The Butterscotch Stallion calls himself a "wild mustang," which prompts a reporter to get him to admit he knows all about his magnificent moniker. Our work here is done.
· NAMBLA embraces MJ, but will that support waver when they discover he's controversially reversing his boys-in-the-bed policy? [via Fishbowl LA]
· Buy the shirt, get the anti-Mark Cuban rant for free.
· Overzealous telecommunications enthusiast Russell Crowe is taking the fall for Cinderella Man shitting the box office bed.
· Katie Holmes gets audited.

Please, Mr. Drudge, take off the rhinestone-spangled glove and step away from the computer. We know that the trial was really hard on you, but unless there's something you're not telling us, you are not actually Michael Jackson and the DA does not have pictures of your barber pole.

A fun game to kick off your lunch hour: Which of these people are celebrating Michael Jackson's acquittal, which have seen Jesus descend from the sky to reward the faithful during the Rapture, and which are doing The Cruise? Answers after the jump.

After the extreme emotional duress we experienced during yesterday's acquittal Passion, we couldn't even get through enough of this story to find out if they're talking about the revival of a music career, or plans for the greatest "sleepover party" of all time, featuring Jesus Juice in Capri Sun containers, a fresh shipment of Vaseline, and the largest gathering of cancer-stricken tykes since the aftermath of Nagasaki. Hey, when the llama bucks you off and doesn't kill you, you climb right back on.

· Even on a day where seemingly anything can happen, we still can't bring ourselves to believe that Paris Hilton's going to hang up the nightvision vagina and retire herself from the public eye.
· How many of these Jacko headlines will wind up atop tomorrow's tabloid stories?
· It's just like the Beverly Hills Hotel, but everyone's fucking in exchange for money instead of...well, it's exactly like the BHH.
· "Michael Jackson has been found not guilty of all charges in his child molestation case. Now what?" We think we don't need to spell out the punchline for you. But Slate will tell you "how Michael Jackson got off."

Whether doing a little tap-dance of "Not guilty" joy across the top of his site, or suggesting that a district attorney be thrown in jail for doing his job, Matt Drudge always keeps it classy. This headline's going to get him his own Ferris wheel at Neverland Ranch.

Liveblogging the run-up to the reading of the verdict in the Michael Jackson child molestation trial...(new entries at top).

· Funny, we always thought that the golden popcorn at the MTV Movie Awards was inedible.
· Why does everything Michael Jackson touch go bad?
· In case you think that fake-shopping for Paris and Paris at Macy's isn't fancy enough, they've also not registered at Tiffany.
· The Butterscotch Stallion ain't buying what the Dalai Lama's selling.
· Ananova thinks that Lindsay Lohan "needs a good pie or two." We think they're talking about food, but that may be some kind of drug lingo that hasn't yet crossed the pond.

Really, how hard could the transition from lazy days hand-feeding the llamas while lounging by the Elephant Man's bones to watching Monster Garage on the community TV with the Aryan Brotherhood possibly be? We guess it all depends on how quickly Jackson takes to repeated anal rape, but he seems like a quick study.

Look, this is going to get a little disgusting, so if you've had a history of heart problems, you should probably scroll down to the next item.