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Liveblogging the run-up to the reading of the verdict in the Michael Jackson child molestation trial...(new entries at top).

2:27 pm: No visible emotion on Jackson's face as he exits the courtroom, but those muscles may have been permanently damaged during a recent nose-hole excavation. He waves weakly to fans, enters the SUV, drives away.
Have we said "holy shit" yet? Because: Holy shit.
2:25 pm: Shapiro assures us that Jackson won't (or can't) sue the accuser. A compensatory sleepover is not immediately ruled out.
2:21 pm: Aftermath: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' relationship suddenly makes perfect sense. We don't know how we ever doubted them. All is clear now.
2:18 pm: The aftermath: Gravity reverses itself, sending everyone on the planet hurtling to fiery deaths in the higher reaches of the atmosphere. Jackson, however, remains firmly on the surface of the Earth.
2:11 pm: NOT GUILTY—conspiracy. NOT GUILTY—lewd act upon minor child. NOT GUILTY—lewd act upon a minor child. NOT GUILTY...lewd act etc etc. NOT GUILTY—lewd yada yada. NOT GUILTY—we give up. Holy shit, the jury is full of "Thriller" fans.
NOT GUILTY—On "Jesus juice"-related charges.
Jackson goes free.
2:08 pm: The Special Defamer Verdict Headline Correspondent offers possible headlines for either outcome: HE BEAT IT! or DEAD MAN MOONWALKING!
2:06 pm: THE JUDGE IS STILL READING. Couldn't we have gotten a judge who can read a little fucking faster?
2:02 pm: CNN's Ted Something: "The judge is on the bench, the judge is on the bench," more talking obscured by the roar of blood in our ears, more judge on bench. The verdict's been handed to the judge. Vomiting joined by troubling heart palpitations at HQ.
1:59 pm: Defamer HQ is positively sick with anticipation. Only the reading of the verdict will forestall further sympathetic vomiting fits...
The jury is on its way back into the courtroom...
More vomiting. The next time Michael Jackson is tried for child molestation, we promise ourselves not to eat 24 hours prior to liveblogging.
1:54 pm: The CNN reporter on the street reports "eerie" quiet as they wait for the audio feed from the courtroom to kick in. A camera focuses on a man in the crowd, whose "We Demand! Lie detector test" sign is maddeningly unclear about whom we need to polygraph in outrage.

1:51 pm: CNN analysts say that if Jackson's only convicted of misdemeanors, he may be released, giving him ample time to hire a private spacecraft for permament self-exile to Neverland II, his new colony on the moon.
1:47 pm: The SUV arrives at the courthouse! Roughly three hundred family members step out of the SUV before Jackson. No pajamas. There is widespread, crushing disappointment. Also, Jackson looks a little pale. Brother Jermaine has never looked better.
1:45 pm: While the motorcade encounters some light traffic, we suppose we'll offer a prediction: Jackson is found not guilty, inducing bloody riots at Boy Scout troops across the nation. Altar boys will remain surprisingly sanguine.
1:37 pm: Outside the courthouse, MJ defense attorney Thomas Mesereau stands with a man bearing a stunning resemblance to wrestling legend Capt. Lou Albano. The Albano doppleganger checks his watch impatiently. Shapiro praises MJ's defense team, but fails to cite their fatal and obvious tactical flaw, taking a client who's incredibly creepy and seems very guilty.
1:34 pm: In a stunning reversal of our coverage technique, we realize it makes more sense to put new entries on the top, rather than the bottom, of this post. Also, we have obtained a glass of water from the Defamer HQ commissary. Elsewhere, the motorcade is still on the 101, and no reports of abrupt suicide. Jacko's nothing if not a gambling man.
1:26pm: Shapiro, whose Grim Reaper outfit is apparently being dry-cleaned, says that Jacko won't be able to handle even a single day in prison.
1:23pm: Former OJ Simpson lawyer Robert Shapiro weigns in on CNN: "I think the jury is going to return a verdict that won't have Michael Jackson singing 'Beat It.'" Luckily, Shapiro clarifies that his one-liner means he thinks MJ will be convicted.
Hopefully, no one in Jackson's SUV caravan is listening, or else the CNN Doomed Pop-Star Premptive Suicide Analyst might have to put down his lunch to report on a shotgun blast.
1:17pm: BREAKING! The motorcade makes a right turn. A close call, as a left turn might have indicated a flight risk.
1:15pm: The CNN Vehicular Velocity Analyst estimates the speed of the motorcade at about 50 mph, which may push back the reading of the verdict until 2 pm. We're assured the judge won't have the verdict read before Jackson arrives.
1:07 pm (PST): They've just opened the gates of Neverland Ranch, where Michael Jackson's motorcade has begun the (very) slow drive to the Santa Maria courthouse where his verdict is waiting. The announcement is expected around 1:30 PST. The CNN analyst just remarked that Jackson's pokey departure from the Ranch is indicative of the problems he's going to have adjusting to prison life if he's found guilty, Indeed. His fellow inmates probably aren't going to wait around patiently for him to be brutalized to their a capella renditions of The Girl Is Mine.