The Journal of Studies on Alcohol and Drugs—the most popular journal—found that the binge-drinking and unprotected sex habits of students at America's drunkest colleges has barely changed since the early 90s. So what's the problem, right? High-five. [JSAD]

Teen Vogue is cannily taking advantage of the widespread yearning to work in fashion by publishing a new "Handbook" which says—we're paraphrasing—"You will fail. Fashion sucks." But the NYT digs up one solitary useful piece of advice.

You learn something new every day: Second-string NYC borough Queens is home to one of the city's "wealthiest communities!" Furthermore, the laughably stereotypical residents of this community are locked in a laughably stereotypical class war with laughably stereotypical college kids.

Arizona has been on a crazy streak this week. Judge not, coastal elites; if you had vodka in your tampons and crystal meth in your highlighter, you'd be crazy too.

August 24 @ 3:45pm [Submit your own Gawker Stalker sightings to stalker@gawker.com] Tottering down the street on super platform sandals bleating into a cellphone. Her crazy eyes were fully visible and her pupils were basically spinning.

The Way We Live Now: Alone. Abandon the kids! Or better yet, don't have the kids in the first place. They're the reason you're broke. And they'll just grow up to hide out in tax havens and rob taco trucks.

Michael Douglas' son Cameron—co-star of the unfortunately-named It Runs In The Family—was busted last night in the Gansevoort Hotel for trying to sell a shitload of crystal meth.

Borders, a seller of printed "books," is trying to trick America's youth into thinking that buying popular "books" about vampires is cooler than buying record albums of hip hop, for example. Yea right.

Authorities say they have caught the mad bomber whose small homemade pill-jar bomb harmlessly rocked an Upper East Side Starbucks—and the world—in May. New York has been spared untold Fight Club-inspired terror!

Teenagers—what crap are they looking at, and how can we make money off them? Wall Street's most sophisticated analysts have cracked this code: they had a 15 year-old kid write down what teens like. This is huge.

The fakest job corporate America ever created was "Branding Consultant"—until now. Meet Anne Loehr, a "business coach" who will (for a small fee) explain the mysteries of "Generation Y" to a corporate audience. She knows your soul, kids.

You might have thought that Los Angeles is a progressive city, but think again. All it takes is one little wink-wink ass-fucking photo shoot with a movie star and high school students to get parents all upset.

Hey, kids: We've noticed you all aren't hanging out at Denny's all night as much as you used to. Denny's wants you back, teenage vagrants! Come meet your "cool" bands, at Denny's! Like Rascal Flatts. You kids like that, eh??

Planned Parenthood is mailing condoms to college kids in their welcome packets, which would be totally passé in developed regions of the country. But this was in Missouri!

"Eloise," the little girl who lived at The Plaza hotel. What kid wouldn't love an Eloise-themed birthday at The Plaza? (Just play along). All kids would, yes. But at what cost? You will be amazed to learn!

If you're going to spend $255 on crib for your spawn, you might as well do it ironically, right?

We support the idea that kids should eat healthy food. Theoretically. But when it involves a crazy mom ranting against birthday cupcakes and battling Girl Scout cookies, we must demur. Meet MeMe Roth, publicist and food Nazi mother:

The Way We Live Now: Not the way you think. It's not a pay cut; it's the new work-sharing. It's not stealing; it's the new honesty. It's not homelessness; it's the new camping.

The rhetoric is over. The violence has begun! A bomber is on the loose! New York City has been struck by its fourth explosion in as many years, a slow reign of anarchist terror as the yuppies slumber. The message: "Bourgeoisie, repent or die." Or maybe: "We are bored teenagers."

In LA they have lots of gangs. How to determine if a child will grow up to be a vicious gangbanger? The city—with scientific help—has developed a test! Find out your future, below: