The Way We Live Now: Alone. Abandon the kids! Or better yet, don't have the kids in the first place. They're the reason you're broke. And they'll just grow up to hide out in tax havens and rob taco trucks.

In 2007, the number of births in the United States broke a 50-year-old record high, set during the baby boom. But last year, births began to decline nationwide, by nearly 2 percent.

It doesn't take a freakishly big-headed Baby Einstein wizard child to figure out what's going on here: people are broke. Kids cost money. Mostly because they always ask you for things like, I don't what kids like these days, cigarettes and things. Candy. It adds up. Also you know yuppie parents always feel compelled to buy their kids way more expensive shit than they need, which adds up even more. So they're just having fewer kids now.

Why bring a child into the world if you cannot afford a $700 stroller for it?

Let's not bemoan this lessening of tots, anyhow. Babies, meh. For what? The rich yuppie ones grow up and go into finance and then, whoops, next thing you know he's a virtual recluse holed up in his Guernsey mansion trying to avoid capital gains taxes with the whole regulatory structure of the British empire on his ass, and you have to go there for Thanksgiving.

And then the hoodlum ones grow up to rob taco trucks. Taco trucks? Taco trucks.

Motherfucking taco trucks. Kids.