Earlier this year, the US government banned "flavored" cigarettes, saving kids the shame of having to admit decades later that they used to smoke "Kauai Kolada Camels." In the meantime, more kids than ever started smoking menthols. Health policy success!

If the youth of America don't lose that weight, how will they fare in the deserts of Iraq, waging our 100 Year War of Imperial Conquest? Exactly. That's why schools across the country are literally forcing kids to shape up.

Stuyvesant High School junior Mohammed Hassan was arrested last week for setting fires at school. Sounds like the case is all wrapped up, eh? Wrong. Now there are more fires. And taunting notes! And hieroglyphics! A fiery criminal thrill ride!

"A 13-year-old girl won't interact with her long-distance father, and she even called him 'gay' for caring. What's a dad to do?" Point out that she's the gay one, and she looks like a slut. Kids' respect is earned. [WaPo]

A 13 year-old Brooklyn boy with Asperger's syndrome got scared of being scolded about school so he spent eleven f'ing days riding the New York subway—alone and undetected—because this world is a cold and heartless place.

Marble-eyed Englishman Jude Law made the mistake of moving into a condo right next door to an NYU dorm. What are you, Jude Law—dumb? Heh. He deals with female fans by throwing produce at them.

Last week, Forbes columnist and NYU professor Tunku Varadarajan won our Outrage-off for his column about crazy Muslim murderers lurking amongst us. NYU radicals have struck back with a revolutionary pie-ing of Varadarajan's Islamaphobic allies!

Grace McManus is a reporter for Scholastic, and she asked Meryl Streep "the most sophisticated question that anyone in this entire press line has asked," about the difference between voicing and playing characters. Wait, that was my question, too! [P6]

They say when all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. Likewise, when you call the cops to a middle school cafeteria food fight, they will take 25 kids to jail. It's what they do!

Why does the average Park Slope parent enjoy pushing around their vulnerable young children, Daffodil and Ainsley, in a stroller that could, at any moment, chop off their tiny defenseless fingers?

It's the oldest tale in the book of high school cliches: Kids love Cool English Teacher for treating them like adults; administration hates Cool English Teacher for same reason; and then somewhere in there, there's a carrot in the butt.

Raising a child in our modern world can be expensive, what with their constant nagging for new "Gameboys" and "contraception." Fortunately your child's dewy, youthful innocence can be sold off to a modeling agency, for sweet, sweet money.

America is prepared to sacrifice its own children in order to win the War on Fat, with the help of Jesus, and The Government.

God damn teenagers: they're going to (community) college in record numbers. Also they're finishing high school in record numbers, because why not?

The generation that brought America sex, drugs, and Rock 'n Roll has had just about enough of you kids and your disgusting dance moves, weed smoking, and loud noise.

If you give your kids candy they'll end up in jail, scientists have now proven.

What does some state politico in Maryland have to say to the WaPo about all this?

Suck down the last sickly sweet puffs of your precious Warm Winter Toffee Camels, kids, because as of today, flavored cigarettes are illegal in America. Time to move up to the real stuff!

Bee Shaffer is the daughter of Anna Wintour, Queen of All America. Despite that fact she cannot "find" a "job," allegedly? It's because she keeps it too real, yall.