katie-holmes

The Morning Cruise: Katie Lives! Tom Dances!

mark · 05/05/06 01:47PM


Tom Cruise uses the occasion of last night's M:i:III fan screening at the Chinese Theatre to unveil a post-Miracle Baby Katie Holmes, who's spent a nearly invisible three post-partum weeks heroically putting on the the weight she couldn't seem to gain during her fake pregnancy. Better late than never! [Photo: Getty Images]
· In case you haven't seen this yet, Cruise dropped by BET yesterday to demonstrate his estimable dancing skills with a move perhaps best described as the Rhythmless Honky Riding a Motorcycle. [YouTube]
· Cruise describes why he took a tricked-out sports-car to Harlem: "Absolutely! I was going to Harlem, man! You've got to bring it to go to Harlem! You know what I'm sayin'? You can't just show up in Harlem. You've got to go!" He then attempted to execute an embarrassingly elaborate handshake with co-star Ving Rhames, who grudgingly played along as Cruise's fingers became hopelessly tangled in his own. [NY Daily News]
· Hey, what happened to that airplane banner prank that was supposed to fly above the Chinese last night? "Fog" sounds a lot like a "visit from the Scientology Aviation Administration." [HailXenu.net]

The Afternoon Cruise: Let's Enjoy Tom While We Still Have Him

mark · 05/03/06 07:59PM


It took all of our strength not to Photoshop a cartoon bubble emanating from Tom Cruise's mouth shrieking, "Wheeeeeeeeeeee!" to the crowd assembled to watch him ride his very butch motorcycle to the NY premiere of M:i:III. But by mentioning our restraint, we suppose that we ultimately lost our battle with immaturity. We've got to remember to bring that up at the next auditing session. [Photo: Getty Images]
· The always-reliable British tabloid press reports that Cruise and Katie Holmes have agreed on a $40 million pre-nup. And in an even more impressive act of generosity, should the couple split, Cruise will only require that Holmes serve out a third of her billion-year contract, leaving over 600 million of her best years to enjoy her fortune. [Daily Mail]

The Morning Cruise: Freeing Katie, Snubbing Roker

mark · 05/03/06 12:41PM


The M:i:III publicity onslaught will quickly fade after this weekend's opening, but as the above poster (whipped up by a talented, bored reader) reminds us, we still have the run-up to a sacrifice wedding to look forward to. Unless, of course, Katie Holmes chews through both of her shackled ankles while Cruise is distracted with move promotion and somehow teeters her way to freedom before the ceremony.
· M:i:III premieres at the Tribeca Film Festival today, where Cruise will traverse Manhattan by rickshaw, jetpack, and pinebox racer as he scrambles to attend various screenings of the movie. He'll end his odyssey at the Ziegfield Theater, where he will allegedly snub lovable NBC host Al Roker for consorting with known suppressive Matt Lauer. [Gawker]
· Tom Cruise is in possession of Eyes Wide Shut co-star Sydney Pollack's recipes. Thrilling! Should this item end in a "Tom knows the history of cooking" or a boiled placenta joke? (second item) [Fox411]

The Morning Cruise: Cruise Climbs For Joy at M:i:III Premieres

mark · 05/02/06 01:54PM


Above: Unable to find an automobile upon which to trod in celebration of his new movie, Tom Cruise, famous the world over for his completely unscripted eruptions of exuberance during his myriad promotional appearances, spontaneously climbs the scaffolding at both the Paris and Mexico City M:i:III premieres.
· In Mexico City, Cruise describes the experience of spending time with his newborn: "The hours go by so quickly as I just stare at her." Sadly, the wire story gave no indication if this moment of tenderness was shouted through a bullhorn from his perch atop the scaffolding. [ABC/AP]
· Brooke Shields tells Access Hollywood that the "irony is perfect" that both she and Cruise welcomed daughters into the world on the same day, though truly perfect irony would probably require that Katie Holmes be crippled by a bout of postpartum depression despite not actually having given birth to a baby. [CNN/AP]

Breaking! Katie Holmes To Wear Dress To Eventual Wedding!

mark · 04/20/06 07:52PM

With a prolonged and strenuous fake pregnancy behind her, Katie Holmes can finally focus on the next step outlined in her billion-year personal services agreement: her rapidly approaching marriage to contractual soulmate Tom Cruise. TMZ claims to have the exclusive! wedding dress! scoop! courtesy of a personal training company that has absolutely nothing to gain by spreading the word about its alleged employment by Holmes:

The Morning Cruise: Still More Miracle Baby Fun

mark · 04/20/06 11:52AM

Welcome to our morning attempt to wrap and/or consume the seemingly endless pieces of chocolate insanity passing along the conveyor belt of Tom Cruise and Miracle Baby news:

Miracle Baby Postpartum: What's In A Vaguely Ethnic Name Round-Up

Seth Abramovitch · 04/19/06 03:50PM

Much like everything else regarding the arrival of the Miracle Baby, her name arrives swaddled in mystery. We can already recite by heart the "official" explanation as it appears in the People-exclusive scriptures: "Suri has its origins in Hebrew meaning 'princess,' or in Persian meaning 'red rose.'" But the Hebrew word for princess is "Sarah," not Suri. While we're still standing by our futuristic seafaring vessel name theory, here's a round-up of some of the others:

How Did 'People' Break Suri Scoop? Bigger Binoculars.

Jesse · 04/19/06 12:18PM


Frank Swertlow, an L.A. reporter for we-don't-stoop-to- invading-celebrities-lives People magazine, photographed the other day outside the Cruise compound. Sent in by a West Coast snitch who successfully persuaded us of its authenticity.

Tom Cruise And Brooke Shields Once Again Connected By Childbirth

mark · 04/19/06 12:14PM

We were too drained by the rigors of childbirth to note this in the wake of the announcement of the Miracle Baby's arrival (the temporary deafness and disorientation resulting from the blast of celestial trumpets didn't help, either), but as many of you probably know by now, longtime Tom Cruise nemesis and dangerous street-drug addict Brooke Shields also gave birth to a daughter yesterday. And while Grier Hammond Henchy begins a lifetime as a foil for Suri "How do ya like them apples, Brooke?" Cruise, we imagine that the two won't meet until they seek each other out during their rebellious teenage years, download a copy of Endless Love to their PhonePods, and bond over their strange connection while smoking some dope. However, if this totally unsubstantiated bit of tinfoil-hattery we received in an e-mail last night is accurate, the two kids may already have crossed paths:

Catering for Any Occasion

Jesse · 04/19/06 10:39AM


Spotted last night on the Upper West Side. We understand their sauteed placenta is delicious.

On the Matter of Baby Suri

Jessica · 04/19/06 08:28AM

Just to clarify the reports ranging from Us Weekly to the Associated Press, all of which include the following information from Cruise spokesbot Arnold Robinson:

BREAKING: Tom and Katie's Publicist Gives Birth on Their Behalf

Jessica · 04/18/06 07:28PM

Mission Impossible, frighteningly accomplished: the TomKat has silently brought a new life into this world. According to a remarkably well-timed statement (placenta? What placenta?) from Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, the pair are in posession of a brand-new baby girl (point goes to People for breaking it first). The press release is thin on details like, say, when exactly the child was born, but the poor thing weighed in at 7 pounds and 7 ounces and is reportedly named Suri, which means "doomed" in Hebrew and "utterly fucked" in Persian.