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Much like everything else regarding the arrival of the Miracle Baby, her name arrives swaddled in mystery. We can already recite by heart the "official" explanation as it appears in the People-exclusive scriptures: "Suri has its origins in Hebrew meaning 'princess,' or in Persian meaning 'red rose.'" But the Hebrew word for princess is "Sarah," not Suri. While we're still standing by our futuristic seafaring vessel name theory, here's a round-up of some of the others:

· FoxNews.com points out Suri could be a derivation of Sarah, through the use of Kabbalistic word mathematics. Could Hollywood corporate merger fever have finally struck its two greatest celebrity mindsucking sects? E-meters connected with bright red wiring could be rolling off the production lines as we speak.
· Filmstew makes the following fascinating linguistic observation: "Suri Cruise = Syracuse." i.e., Tom's New York state birthplace. On that logic, little Suri should be thankful her fake sire didn't hail from central Mexico, saddling her with the permanently unfashionable "Vera."
· PerezHilton.com notes L. Ron Hubbard's former home and Scientology's UK headquarters is located in Surrey, England. Tom's first choice, "Birthplace of Our Leader" Cruise (or just "Birthy" for short) was quickly nixed by the mother.
· Tabloid Baby's research turns up only two instances of the name: as a type of alpaca, and a couple home pages of guys from India.
· My Name Is Suri: An ancient Buddhic lesson about Karmic retribution cites two brothers, one named Handoku and the other—you guessed it—Suri. According to legend, "Suri is the name of the village idiot who attained enlightenment because of his stupidity. He was so stupid he forgot his own name."
· The London Times notes in Japanese, suri means "pickpocket."