Former, homophonic Tom Cruise publicity partner Penelope Cruz is the latest to join the growing list of former business associates, Celebrity Centre detox-sauna buddies, and other trusted members of the actor's inner circle of super friends willing to bear witness to the corporeality of suspiciously unseen, possibly mythical infant Suri. While cornered on the red carpet in London, Cruz extolled the Miracle Baby's beauty:

Always eager to rise to the challenges of the incredibly competitive gossip rag marketplace, Us Weekly attempts to get a leg up on People by preparing for the very real possibility that our first look at Suri Cruise won't arrive for 20 years, hiring a forensic imaging specialist to visualize what the suspiciously unseen infant may look like two decades hence. Unsurprisingly, the magazine's "expert" subscribes to a more optimistic vision of the future than we do; in our estimation, the already 50-foot-tall baby will have matured to a full 200 feet by the time she exits her teens, and will live in a airport hangar-sized bunker that long-suffering father Tom has built beneath his compound. (She will, however, be just as hot as she appears in Us Weekly's mock-up, due to the quality of the DNA selected by Cruise's talented team of geneticists before their giantism-inducing mishap.)

When we wake up to multiple Tom Cruise-related items spread across various gossip rags, we are forced to revert to the round-up form to handle the onslaught:

Tom Cruise Celebrity Centre pal and freelance OTR III Infant Actuality Verificationist Leah Remini has once again acted as peacemaker between the Suri-embargoing Cruise camp and the glossy magazines desperate for any shred of proof of the possibly mythical offspring's existence, upgrading her claim to Us Weekly to have seen the child to an intimation that she's had physical contact with the tyke for People:

Perhaps finally sensing that their deeply bizarre withholding of all physical evidence of newborn daughter Suri might be inducing widespread skepticism about the baby's existence, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes dispatched Scientologist pal and OTR III Infant Actuality Verificationist Leah Remini to enturbulate the suppressive offspring-deniers at Us Weekly with counfoundingly vague descriptions of the child she claims to have seen:

It's been fascinating (to us, at least) to watch the paparazzi/glossy industrial complex track Katie Holmes' every public movement since her trip to perpetual fiance/billion-year enslaver Tom Cruise's Telluride home the last week or so, a jaunt that did absolutely nothing to quiet speculation that Suri Cruise was ever more than a baby unicorn for the tabloid age or a beachball lashed to the onetime actress's midsection. The electronic homing device that paparazzi agency X17 slipped into well-known caffeine addict Holmes' coffee allowed their photographers to locate the peripatetic enigma-incubator on her Monday return to L.A., as they follow up the weekend's possible stroller sighting with some pictures of Holmes fleeing to the only place in the city where she truly feels safe, Barney's New York. The site furthermore passes along a rumor that the trip to her Retail Fortress of Solitude was motivated by an upsetting order that she hire a team of Scientology-approved nannies to tend to the still-unseen Suri, a bout of defiance we're sure she abandoned when she realized that she probably shouldn't lose any sleep over who pretends to babysit her imaginary offspring, despite how real it all feels sometimes.

While falling far short of obtaining images of the world's most suspiciously unseen baby, paparazzi agency X17 thinks it's captured photographic proof of possibly imaginary infant Suri Cruise's existence by snapping a picture of a stroller in the shadows behind Tom Cruise's Telluride compound. A blurry, long-distance image of what may or may not be Suri's brightly canopied conveyance (yellow circle) hardly seems evidence of anything more than a Team Cruise drone's ability to shop in a baby store; in fact, we're inclined to think that the more easily identifiable cooler (red circle) is more compelling confirmation of the Miracle Baby's actuality; it's much easier to imagine Katie Holmes placing her alleged daughter inside the plastic box and wheeling her into town for a Starbucks run, secure in the knowledge that a cooler's insulated walls can't be penetrated by even the most advanced of paparazzi technology.

Yesterday, Us Weekly's blog teased the magazine's story on Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' recent trip to Telluride, where Holmes revealed to a reporter that possibly nonexistent offspring Suri was "doing great!" [exuberance hers], a brief status update meant to reinforce the public's belief that the baby actually exists. The complete Us story provides some quotes from Telluride residents who claim to have seen (or know someone who claims to have seen) the possibly mythical creature that has captured a skeptical country's imagination:

Tom Cruise's unwillingness to build a replica of an upscale shopping street in his Telluride compound has come back to haunt him, as caffeine-addicted incubator-unit Katie Holmes was beset by an Us Weekly reporter during her contractually mandated, bi-monthly Starbucks run, then promptly violated Team Cruise's total embargo on releasing any information about the couple's suspiciously unseen, possibly imaginary child. Reports Us:

In what we're absolutely certain isn't a publicity stunt meant to exploit the current buzz around Tom Cruise's inability to fetch an acceptable price for the first photographs of his rapidly devaluing, still-unseen, possibly fantastical daughter, online betting site BetUS.com has announced that it's trying to procure photos of the suspicious infant for display on their website. An excerpt from their press release:

It seems that Us Weekly has abandoned any hope of landing the first, heavily discounted pictures of Suri Cruise, settling instead on moving glossy product by spotlighting Tom Cruise's profoundly strange delay of the initial public appearance of his possibly nonexistent daughter as the BABY MYSTERY, even going so far as to run a Where's Suri? clock counting the days since the Miracle Baby's alleged birth. But after three months of waiting for proof that Cruise can at least be bothered to pull a stand-in baby off the toddler rack for a photo shoot to ease the public's suspicions, we're ready to upgrade the situation from "mystery" to "riddle that would make the Sphinx incontinent." To add to the weirdness, Us reports that even Cruise's BFFs, both of the regular and Scientological flavors, have yet to gain an audience with the world's most elusive rugrat:

A Defamer operative spotted Katie Holmes on one of her exceedingly rare trips outside the reality-controlled confines of the Cruise compound on Saturday night, and in the process, snapped the post-Miracle-Baby version of a bigfoot photo:

While millions hold their breath, gradually turn purple, and quietly expire from self-inflicted asphyxiation waiting for Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes to finally consent to an official Miracle Baby photo shoot, Fox 411's Roger Friedman claims to know why pictures of Suri Cruise haven't hit the cover of People yet: No one offered America's Most Suspicious Couple enough money for the privilege:

Defamer has exclusively received what may be the first* documented sighting of the Miracle Baby, the heretofore suspiciously unseen newborn daughter of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. Writes an operative:

Tom Cruise has once again demonstrated his unparalleled gift for making even the most routine of celebrity milestones seem incredibly suspicious, following up his globe-trotting, joint Mission: Impossible III/My Imprisoned Fiancée Is Having Someone's Baby Tour with a 58 day infant image embargo that has many wondering if said Miracle Baby actually exists. Humpy E! gossip-withholder Ted Casablanca coyly suggests that people in Cruise's orbit are feeding him "shocking statements, revelations and just plain tacky-ass info" that lawyers will not let him share, but is kind enough to pass along the official word from the star's epically inept public relations team:

Life & Style magazine has once again met up in a dark corner of the Beverly Center parking structure with its trench-coated, fake-mustachioed, oversized-sunglassed informant from the Tom Cruise camp, who readily produced details on an alleged prenuptial agreement that would pay $3 million to Scientology war bride Katie Holmes for each year she is unable to break free of her imprisonment. Passes along The Scoop:

Life & Style magazine, the glossy world's loosely sourced authority on the imminent disintegration of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' partnership, once again taps its network of "insiders" and "confidants" for information about America's Most Suspicious Couple, this time reporting that Cruise won't accompany his war bride to present the Miracle Baby to her parents. Notes The Scoop:

America's Most Suspicious Couple has taken the next step in trying to convince the world that Katie Holmes that the Miracle Baby actually spent some quality time in her reproductive system. It's been exactly a month since the little bundle of maternal imprisonment arrived, and while we still have no photographic evidence of the infant, we've now been treated to the sight of Holmes' suddenly curvy postpartum figure and these new, completely accidental candid photos of what appear to be stretch marks. The conspiracy-minded might leap to the conclusion that this is some sort of false stomach constructed by Hollywood's most talented latex effects artists, but we think they favored a more low-tech approach, wherein Holmes laid bare belly-down on a shag carpet for the two hours before their latest, Suri-less foray into public.

A shocking admission by Tom Cruise in the new issue of Good Housekeeping suddenly throws a new light on his controversial relationship with Katie Holmes. Notes People.com: