Reports that Die Hard/Predator/Last Action Hero hero John McTiernan entered a guilty plea for lying to the FBI about hiring Anthony Pellicano to wirtetap producer Charles Roven hit yesterday afternoon, but this morning's news cycle brings some more information about what went down in the courtroom. Says the LAT:
A Very Special morning in Cruise-related news necessitates a morning round-up. Dig in:
· The morning internets are ablaze with the British Sun's straightfaced report that Tom Cruise told GQ that he plans on making a snack of Katie Holmes' placenta after the birth of their baby. ("I thought that would be good. Very nutritious. I'm going to eat the cord and the placenta right there.") How such a statement escaped our Cruise-hungry media flummoxes us (as always, we blame the Brits' superior gossip technology), but no worries—he already dismissed the comment as a joke between staged BlackBerry love notes on last Friday's Primetime.. Of course it was a joke! Do you have any idea how many thetans are in a placenta? That shit goes straight to your ass.
· CruisePollGate! Parade.com found it odd (and so did we, last week) that so many of its readers blamed Cruise's public relations troubles on the media in its online poll, so they did a little research, finding that 14,000 of 18,000 votes cast came from the same 10 computers—a clear indication of tampering. However, if Parade traced the IP addresses, we doubt they'd originate in the Celebrity Centre or one of the Scientology motherships. The Church has long outsourced its online sabotage ops to Bangalore, the only place on earth where the average wage is lower than their own.
Hey, anyone got an extra placenta handy? Tom Cruise is hungry, and he's got a hankering for some fresh afterbirth. Or so say those excitable lads across the pond, who have splattered "Tom Chews" across the Daily Mirror, certain to nauseate many a British reader before they've had their morning tea. In the May issue of GQ, which just hit UK newsstands, Cruise says:
· Die Hard director John McTiernan has pleaded guilty to lying to the feds in connection with the Anthony Pellicano Wiretapping Trial of the Century. There aren't too many details as of yet, but we're hoping that tomorrow might bring some insight about what Rollerball-related problem could've been worth all this trouble.
· Jonathan Antin might be our favorite TV personality at the moment, and this pre-Blowout (we think) clip from Ali G should help explain why. Not only is he all about hair and creating beauty, he's also about kicking some motherfucking cocksucker terrorist ass.
· Naming your son Brett seems to ensure that he's going to grow up to be...colorful? Is that the right word?
· The usually loose-lipped Fez won't spill which of Hollywood's "most awesome, fantastic A-listers are jumping on board" his ChiPs project, but that sounds like he's getting some serious Masterson and Kutcher interest to us.
· According to a highly scientific USA Today survey, Brad and Angelina's Chosen One is beating Tom and Katie's Miracle Baby in the competition for the public's affection.
Even with seemingly the entire world huddled before the gates of Tom Cruise's compound, awaiting news of the birth of the Miracle Baby, Katie Holmes is able to escape through the estate's system of underground tunnels and emerge inside Barneys New York in Beverly Hills, where she wanders aimlessly, heavy with fake child. Reports a Defamer operative on Holmes' third documented Barneys trip in the past two weeks:
Because, really, we haven't been learning nearly enough about it already.
The web-enabled stalkerazzi at TMZ.com have obtained exclusive, shocking footage of former actress/soon-to-be imprisoned-at-home mom Katie Holmes roaming Barney's New York in Beverly Hills (a favorite shopping destination for Holmes, we've discovered) in search of shoes. Not much occurs in the brief clip culled from the two-hour trip, but if you turn up the speakers on your computer in the final seconds of the video, you can hear Holmes asking an attentive clerk if they have "anything that would be comfortable for a billion-year march towards total despair."
• People magazine scores the first baby pics of Barron Trump, to be revealed in next week's issue. Barron, however, is no baby Brangelina — he only fetched mid-six figures. Not even a month old and already a failure. [Page Six]
• Elle's international creative director Gilles Bensimon may be slowly pushed out the door, leaving EIC Roberta Myers in charge of delegating fabulousness. [Lowdown (3rd item)]
• 23-year-old Denise Vasi's family thinks her boyfriend Russell Simmons, at 50 years of age, is too old for her. It's always nice to see basic math skills in action. [R&M]
• After a mere five days, fairy-throated boxed Mike Tyson leaves a Phoenix rehab clinic where he was being treated for cocaine addiction — and the entire staff exhales. [Page Six]
• Tom Cruise says he has a "spectacular" sex life with Katie Holmes. We can't imagine. Seriously, not even capable of conjuring the visuals on this one. [IMDb]
Tomorrow night on Primetime (kids, check your local listings), Diane Sawyer attempts to draw mediaphobic megastar Tom Cruise out of his shell by inviting him to speak about the heretofore unexplored areas of his personal life, his religion and relationship with actress Kate Holmes. ABC teases the broadcast with a write-up of topics covered on the program, including this primer on the practice of "silent birth," which, according to the actor, does not include pacifiers, surgically attached oral zippers, or futuristic vacuum-like devices capable of sucking all sound from the birthing chamber. Explains Cruise:
The above photo, part of the forthcoming GQ article in which Tom Cruise will once again do his best to convince us that he's just your average, $40-million-per-picture guy who's crazy in love with his preggers soulmate, doesn't really need any deconstructive Photoshopping. The purity of their classic, black-and-white fake love is clear, and they're so mesmerized by their contractual connection that they've suddenly wandered into the middle of the desert, where they can finally paw each other without the presence of a red carpet, dozens of photographers (one will do, thank you very much), or a stadium full of screaming fans. Cruise is lost in the moment, unsure of whether to uncomfortably mash his pursed lips against earlobe, mouth, or eyebrow, settling finally on a cheek, where's he's unlikely to encounter any unexpected moistness. His left hand, finding no motorcycle handlebar or prop-plane cockpit apparatus to occupy it, settles on the fiancee's swollen belly with a grip that says, "Whatever is in here is mine." Holmes, finally something less than a wholly passive presence, closes her eyes, smiles wanly, and temporarily reclaims the top half of her body with crisscrossed arms. This moment will be over soon, she seems to whisper, but fake-married is forever.
In this exclusive Parade.com poll accompanying the teaser for their story on Tom Cruise, his troubled childhood, and dead-eyed war bride (actual press release title: EXCLUSIVE PARADE.COM POLL FINDS VAST MAJORITY SYMPATHIZE WITH TOM CRUISE; 84% BLAME THE MEDIA ON NEGATIVE PRESS), more than 8 out of 10 Celebrity Centre drones tasked with sabotaging online surveys agree: Cruise's year of almost universally unfavorable coverage is the fault of the media. Putting aside for a moment the somewhat tautological assertion that the media is to blame for the bad press, we see their point: Had the media-industrial complex not forced Cruise to brutalize Oprah's furniture, publicly browbeat Brooke Shields and Matt Lauer with his incredible knowledge of the history of psychiatry, and quickly marry and impregnate someone previously most famous for being Dawson's hyperverbal girlfriend at the outset of the press tours for the suspicious couple's summer blockbusters, the actor would probably have enjoyed a relatively controversy-free year.
Just a little over an hour ago, an operative stepped out for a little mid-afternoon shopping and found herself face-to-face with America's Most Suspicious Expectant Mother™:
• The New York Press names Adario Strange as new EIC. Strange is best known as the second editor of The Source and his recent documentary The NYU Suicides, which is a lot like the Press because, uh... No matter. Welcome to media life support, Adario!
• A $250 power meal at the Waldorf means looking at a lot of fancy ladies — all of whom would crush you in a second if you came near their lofty perches. [Almost Literary]
• Any readers at the University of Oregon? Want to tell us what it was like to hear Times mag contributing writer Benoit Denizet-Lewis talk about sexy stuff? [UO]
• Bad news: Mariah Carey does not own any part of Mariah Winery. If their sauce sucks, they'll have to find someone else to blame. [WineFetch]
• Donny Deutsch corrupt? No. [AdAge]
• Meryl Streep thinks it's hard to be Lindsay Lohan, mostly because Streep just can't stay up that late. [BH]
• Katie Holmes puts on her fake belly all wrong. [Blogger]
• Head Stroke Julian Casablancas lost his diary. We doubt it's occurred to him to maybe look on LiveJournal. [The Strokes]
• Lindsay Lohan may have cried wolf about being misquoted in Vanity Fair, but she's been legitimately misquoted in W about acknowledging that her mother and siblings visit their father in jail. There are no such visits and W will be issuing a correction. No correction in VF however — the girl said she puked, and the tape recorder doesn't lie. [Page Six]
• If Alec Baldwin were forced to sleep with right-wing harridan Ann Coulter, he'd "jump out the window" — and then the Republicans would win again. [Lowdown]
• Katie Holmes is so dedicated to smiling her way through this nightmare, she'll blankly grin even while Tom Cruise talks about being abused as a child. Or maybe she's just genuinely happy to hear about that kind of thing. [Page Six]
• After a whopping 82 days of their second try at marriage, Eminem has filed for divorce from Kim. [R&M (2nd item)]
• Paris Hilton says former BFF Nicole Richie is "jealous" and "pathetic." Atta girl, Paris — keep this bitch fight going! Simple Life 15 premieres soon! [Scoop]
Having correctly completed all the necessary paperwork to apply for a chaperoned furlough from Tom Cruise's compound, Scientology war bride Katie Holmes was granted permission for a day of shopping in Beverly Hills yesterday. Coming out of Barney's New York (above update: image removed by request of owner), America's most suspicious expectant mother displayed all the classic indicators of an imminent fake delivery—skinny limbs, a face free of late third-trimester puffiness, and, most tellingly, a mid-sized beach ball inflated to the maximum pressure allowable by any respectable member of the National Board of Ersatz Obstetrics and Gynecology. Based on the above photo, it could be any minute now before a drone back at the compound silently pushes forth new life into the world, then watches as the baby is whisked away to its proud, commissioning parents before she can even sigh, "She has Genetic Material Injector #44477A's eyes." She'll never be prouder than when Cruise and Holmes introduce the child to a preselcted, nonsuppressive member of the celebrity press.
In a perfect Scientological world, female birthing vessels would not come equipped with mouths, thus sparing their newborns from any "Mommy is a crazy screaming lady!" first memories that could quite possibly scar a person for life. Of course, there are always creative ways around life's little inconveniences. NY Daily News JV Gossip Lloyd Grove notes today that Tom Cruise may have custom ordered a special "shriek-reducing" pacifier for his adorable heir-dispenser, Katie Holmes:
• Today in the glue-sniffing adventures of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, Star reports that Tom intends to keep his beloved quiet during childbirth by shoving an adult pacifier in her mouth. Childbirth never sounded so kinky! [Lowdown]
• Sources close to Whitney Houston wonder if her crack habits may have been worsened by her affiliation with a cult called the Black Hebrews. Yeah, that's right — always blame the Jews. [Scoop]
• Brad Pitt has backed out of George Clooney's plans for a casino, leaving his project in trouble. Now if we can just flood the project with false information, we can render it useless. [R&M]
• Congrats to Justin Loeber, who made it a whopping 3 months as Judith Regan's PR slave at Regan Books before fleeing for dear life. [Page Six]
• Bad news for ex-Mets pitcher Kris Benson: Your crazy-ass wife says you two are going to work things out. We're so sorry, dude. [NYDN]
• Are you a working actor without an ounce of name recognition? Stop a rapist, get on Page Six, and watch the scripts come rolling in. [Page Six]
Tom Cruise's publicity tour for M:i:III has kicked off in earnest, with the actor temporarily abandoning largely immobile Miracle Baby incubator Katie Holmes to jet off to Germany (where even the most unconventional of America's stars are embraced with open, Teutonic arms) to hawk his blockbuster wares. A round-up of recent Cruise tidbits:
