I will always love the Times' Bob Morris. One evening at Soho House he said to me, "You're a blogger? God, blogging is totally the new DJing." I was so pissed I hadn't said it first.

"Yup, yup, on the record, Gawker editor Elizabeth Spiers is on vacation this week. Choire "Cory" Sicha will be guest-editing, yet again. Yeah, I know. No, he really is a total dick. That's no act.

Although it's Sunday, we're obsessively thinking about this Craigslist post: "I am writing on behalf of a Manhattan-based female celebrity for whom I am an assistant to. She is looking for a group of about 5-6 men whom she can keep in an on-call position for sexual favors, such as sensual massage, oral sex, sex, and various other activities. You will be paid when called on to perform a task in addition to a weekly courtesy stipend you will receive for being on call." We're a little unclear on how this arrangement is different from the majority of marriages on East 72nd Street. But still, we're proud of little Nicky Hilton for taking it to Craigslist to demand what she desires — while simultaneously upstaging her slatternly spotlight-hogging sister!
Casual Sex Partner(s) for Classy Woman - w4mm [Craigslist]

· Kelly Ripa's husband cooks and eats family of four. Okay, not quite, but he did get cranky with a dawdling motorist at a Hamptons beach parking lot. Murderer! Cannibal! Lizzie Grubman! [NY Post]
· Sting admits he's not a superhuman shag. Four remaining sexually active fans disappointed. [NY Post]
· Bennifer's secret wedding date and location: next Sunday, Santa Barbara. Come, come, nuclear bomb. [People News]
· Paris Hilton sneezed or something, I dunno, I saw her name and couldn't read another word. [NY Daily News]

A position desired on Craigslist: "Professional wisecracker seeks witless innocents to mock and torment. Experience dates back 30 years and includes, but is not limited to, schoolyard bullying, annoying little fat kids, and countless prank phone calls. Current projects include contributing to Gawker, deep frying small children and serving them as hor d'ouvres at Soho House and stealing Hello Kitty memorabilia from fire escapes of already tormented trust fund babies in Williamsburg."

PETA should either be alerted or blamed. This email just went out office-wide at the magazine publisher Conde Nast:

Dear Paris,

· Very odd rockers Enon have a record release party at Luxx... if you're actually willing to go to Williamsburg.
· Kick off the first day of the art season with photographer Lyle Ashton Harris' opening at CRG Gallery.
· Downtown snarkster Jennifer Weiner reads from spicy new novel In Her Shoes at Astor Place Barnes & Noble.

· Sharon Stone ditches her husband, gets a hot new agent, and gets serious about her career again. Thank God. She's finally taking her own famous advice: "You can only fuck your way to the middle." [NY Post]
· Johnny Depp says "America is dumb." Everyone acts horrified. [NY Daily News]
· Madonna serves Britney Spears ten grand worth of bling after much-publicized makeout session on MTV. Does that make Britney a whore? [People News]

All items are submitted by readers. Send sightings to tips@gawker.com.

· Paris Hilton parties in Miami with lesbian love interest Ingrid Casares and child nightmare Macauley Culkin. I cannot stop screaming. [NY Post]
· John Ritter claims that being a celebrity kills. How would he know? [Enquirer]
· Ethan and Uma may finally un-merge. According to his agent, the divorce is to give Ethan fodder for his next novel. [NY Post]
· Justin Timberlake becomes McDonald's spokesman, saying of the fast-food empire, "We share the same crowd - people who like to have fun." And that's the most foul and cynical thing you'll hear all day. [People News]
· Jayson Blair: incredibly short and eating out of a bag on the street. Bad times, bad times. [NY Post]

· Happy Ending Reading Series with fab 90s bad girls Mary Gaitskill and A.M. Homes. Fortunately, Rick Moody will be performing music, not reading from his work.
· Two Boots Theater world premiere of Hey Is Dee Dee Home, the life and times of "all-star burnout" Ramone's bassist Dee Dee Ramone.
· Get really drunk for downtown "alternative" composer John Zorn's 50th birthday party concert at the Lower East Side cave Tonic.

· Meditate on the evils of suburbia at "the 'burbs," exhibition with Hockney, Fischl, Woodruff, et al, at DFN Gallery.
· Score a reservation at the Biltmore Room.
· Get down on Hammond B-3 Organ Grooves night at Smoke.

Kevin Fanning and Reuben Stanton at The Morning News bring you a maudlin Labor Day story of love, hot dogs, and the end of summer. At least they didn't spend Labor Day hiding from the rain, watching all five hours of tragic gay reality show Boy Meets Boy in preparation for tonight's grand finale. Uh, that would be really sad if someone had actually done that.
What I Did On My Summer Vacation [TMN]

· Chuck Palahniuk, whose new book Diary was slammed by Laura Miller at Salon, goes a little postal: "It's easy to attack and destroy an act of creation. It's a lot more difficult to perform one. I'd also invite you to read the reviews Fitzgerald got for 'Gatsby' from dull, sad, bitter people - like yourself." How come everyone thinks extreme criticism is so damn easy? I'd like to see these "creative" people try it. [NY Post]

· Total fox and actual real live journalist — not empty talking head (cough Bill Hemmer cough) — Anderson Cooper at last gets his own CNN show, "Anderson Cooper 360°." [Daily News]

· Liv Tyler to host New York Fashion Week party for Ferragamo — but she scorns the clothes. [People News]

· Barbara Corcoran, chairman of the Corcoran Group and the reigning queen of Manhattan real estate, used her down time on jury duty to test out her new ads on fellow jurors. (She should have used the time to work out some aphorisms for her next book. Her motivational Use What You've Got offered helpful advice to women like "If you don't have big breasts, put ribbons on your pigtails.") [NY Post]

Let's just go back to long Fridays in the office and more work and forget this whole wet cloudy debacle ever happened. And some of us suffered even more than others this summer! While we were all trapped indoors playing Parcheesi and having rainy day affairs with our married Hamptons share-mates, Silvano Marchetto (owner of Da Silvano), Sirio Maccioni (owner of Le Cirque 2000), and Martha Stewart (owner of a bad attitude) were forced to flee the rainforest of the Eastern Seaboard. Arriving in Tuscany, they found it was too hot to even go to the beach. Mr. Marchetto, undoubtedly scolded by Martha into performing origami aerobics in the noonday sun, actually fainted at lunch. We surely sympathize.
Summer of Sun? We Wuz Robbed [NYT]

Allegedly, public toilets will some day be installed in Manhattan, probably right after this whole "New York fiscal crisis" people keep blathering about is over. Say, 2009? But House and Garden editor Mayer Rus thinks public toilets could pay for themselves: "For $50 on the Upper East Side, you'd get a malachite toilet with solid-gold hardware and a dispenser with La Prairie skin caviar or Cr me de la Mer. For $2 on the Lower East Side, you'd get a condom and a clean needle." Someone evidently hasn't been south of 57th Street in the last six years.
Big Question: Public Toilets [NY Mag]

Young Gawker Editor Elizabeth Spiers has learned an important lesson this week — you get what you pay for when it comes to Botox. Lower East Side home botulism concotions are... what's the word? Unpredictable.

Dear Readers,
I will be working on top secret shit for the next week (read: freelance stuff, martini consumption, lunch at Esca with Bill Keller, clicking "refresh" and sighing wistfully). The lovely and talented Choire Sicha will be filling in for me once again. Be sure to send him tips.

· Post photographer assaulted by rapper 50 Cent's bodyguards. [Page Six]
· Nipplegate: socialite Nina Griscom's accidentally racy W photo [Page Six]
· NY Mag financial columnist James Cramer and media mogul Martha Stewart spent dinner at the Lever House on Wednesday glaring at each other from across the room. [Page Six]
· Magician David Blaine threatened with a knife in Israel. [NY Daily News]