A position desired on Craigslist: "Professional wisecracker seeks witless innocents to mock and torment. Experience dates back 30 years and includes, but is not limited to, schoolyard bullying, annoying little fat kids, and countless prank phone calls. Current projects include contributing to Gawker, deep frying small children and serving them as hor d'ouvres at Soho House and stealing Hello Kitty memorabilia from fire escapes of already tormented trust fund babies in Williamsburg."

Stop looking at me like that, people. As if I'd misspell hors d'oeuvres or admit to being 30.
Smartass Available Immediately [Craigslist]