This Sunday's LA Times Magazine went foraging through the detritus currently "circling the pop-culture drain" at the area's 99 Cent stores, and while trying to discern the connection that made Queen Amidala and body wash seems like a match made in retail tie-in heaven, discovered a quiet indictment of the twilight of Michael Eisner's tenure at Disney:
Shortly after we wrote about the charity auction of a two-week internship having one's flesh melted off the bone in uber-producer Joel Silver's Hollywood crucible, the auction was abruptly ended, and a spokesperson from Warner Bros. got in touch to inform us that the auction "wasn't real." (We did get assurances that it wasn't unreal in the "hoax" sense.) Fortunately, someone did a better job of explaining the details of the auction's irreality to Variety:
· Undeterred by the abandonment of two of his partners, Revolution's Joe Roth will take a more "hands-on role" in ensuring that the studio continues to reliably churn out five or six flops a year. [Variety]
· Buoyed by the inexplicable success of Fantastic Four, director Tim Story signs a deal with Fox to develop and direct two pilots. [THR]
· Billy Bob Thornton to star in the comedy Astronaut Farmer, in which an astronaut returns to—wait for it—the family farm, written and directed by the Polish Brothers of quirky Twin Falls Idaho fame. [Variety]
· The MPAA rules that Saw 2's severed-finger marketing campaign is "unacceptable," helpfully giving the movie more attention than the ads themselves would have attracted on their own. [THR]
· Bruce Willis will co-star with Halle Berry in Revolution's psychological thriller Perfect Stranger, which is "set in the world of the internet," hopefully proving once again that there is nothing quite as cinematic as a fevered exchange over IM. [Variety]
· ABC and Touchstone are sued by a local writer who claims Lost was stolen from his plane-crash-survivors-on-a-creepy-island idea from 1977, also called Lost. ABC immediately dispatched a jungle-loving polar bear, an invisible monster, and three inscrutable plot twists to deal with the aggrieved scribe. [THR]
We'd completely forgotten that Endeavor agent Patrick Whitesell and pneumatic local television spokesbot Lauren Sanchez were set to tie the knot this past weekend, but some spies just reminded us that the hot nuptial action took place in Santa Barbara on Saturday at the ultra-fancified Bacara resort. (Other details, such as how many times client/anchor Ben Affleck draped his genitals on unsuspecting guests, are hopefully forthcoming.) In the meantime, we can all celebrate the happy occasion by perusing the couple's online gift registries, but please remember that if you weren't invited, you're not obligated to buy that $1,200 vacuum cleaner from Williams-Sonoma.
When JV Desperate Housewives star Eva Longoria was non-grievously bonked on her pretty noggin by a section of pipe last week, we sheepishly admit that our first thought was not, "Wow, we hope that she's OK and makes a speedy, heroic return to work," but "Hey, how much hair does she have on her ladyflower?" Page Six sets our minds at ease:
Courtney Love can't catch a break. On Friday, a judge ignored the fact that a drug-addled Love is much more entertaining than a sober one and sentenced her to yet another stint in rehab. Now the random gossip headline generators employed by the always-innovative UK tabloids have knocked up Love with British actor Steve "Alan Partridge" Coogan's baby. (Dry runs involving David Beckham and a plate of fish and chips were dismissed as "unbelievable" and "too Pythonesque," respectively.) We don't know how much contact Love is allowed with the outside world at Promises Malibu (or wherever she's landed), but it's likely that the first time she'll hear about her unexpected pregnancy will be from the orderly she bribes to replace her morning vitamins with a dose of Vicodin potent enough to kill a horse.
Like a welcoming Monday morning hug and sneaky punch to the kidneys, here are the weekend box office numbers:
· Up until a couple of minutes ago, this mildly amusing misidentification was on the front page of latimes.com. Earlier today, there was a similar 50 Cent/Eminem mix-up. Ah, if only we could all be as colorblind as the Web!
· Page Six says that instead of setting her career back by starring in the Fantastic Four sequel, Jessica Alba may have chosen to torpedo herself with an I Dream of Jeannie remake with Jimmy Fallon. In either case, it's clear she earned her opportunity strictly on acting talent, and not with her rockin' bod.
· The Baby Jesus sheds a single tear: Jenny McCarthy's marriage is over.
· The Island is hurting the Michael Bay brand in new and exciting ways.
· Things could always be worse for Courtney Love. She could be Natasha Lyonne.
Friday
· The filmmakers behind My Date With Drew are doing a Q&A after a screening of the movie at the ArcLight, your luxury home of post-screening filmmaker Q&As. First query for the guys: If you're carrying a video camera while you're stalking Drew Barrymore, are you less likely to be stungunned?
· More of that free, outdoorsy, picnic-style entertainment that we are so fond of: NexGen Free Outdoor Film screens The Iron Giant for at the Amphitheater at LACMA. [via Cheapskatin']
· Specially themed music double-shot: My Sexual Dad at El Cid, The Lovemakers at the Viper Room
Saturday
· We're not entirely sure what this is about, but hey, unicorns!
· Hear tomorrow's elevator music today as Coldplay kicks off a two-night stand at the Verizon Amphitheatre. Elsewhere: Autolux at the Echo, and Phantom Planet play for USC kids at the McCarthy Quad for free. Pre-game at the Delta house, bro! (Is that even a fraternity? Whatevs.)
Sunday
Spaghetti Western Double Feature! Death Rides a Horse and God Forgives, I Don't at the Egyptian. We think we've just found names for our first two kids.
· There is nothing else to do on Sunday. UPDATE: OK, there is at least one more thing to do.
In an online-only interview for Newsweek.com, Jessica Alba finally debunks the rumor that she was approached about becoming Tom Cruise's zombie bride ("No. I have a boyfriend. Why would I go out on a date with another man? I’ve been in a relationship for a year." Du-uh!), a role later played with aplomb by Katie Holmes. There, that's settled. But far more interesting to us is Alba's continuing campaign to make sure the world knows that she's earned every part with acting talent, dammit, and wasn't merely cast because of her logic-defying hotness:
This press release announcing that Endeavor partner (and official Defamer Agent Dance Mascot) Ari "Hey, It's Been Five Minutes Since Someone Mentioned That The 'Entourage' Agent Is Based On Me, So, Hey You, Fuckface, Mention How I Inspired Jeremy Piven Before I Punt Your Ass Back Down To The Mailroom" Emanuel bought a $10 million house in Brentwood is whipping around the industry's inboxes, so we thought we'd share it with you. We think that Emanuel will be secretly pleased that everyone knows he's got ten mil to drop on real estate.
It's time to spike that lunchtime Diet Coke with some 80-proof happy juice and start thinking about quitting time. In the meantime, here's our best guesses about how you'll spend the only part of your weekend that matters to Hollywood:
The Gawker Media Legal Department (comprised entirely of an intern who bought an LSAT prep book but never took the exam) informs us that Jude Law's lawyers are not interested in fostering the scintillating debate about the actor's endowment. We've removed the offending images and replaced them with the one you see in this post, harkening us all back to a time when we were debating whether or not his member was perhaps too impressive, not a possible disappointment. God, it looked like he could fit two nannies onto that thing! Sigh. Those were the days.
· In the wake of the "smackdown" that it received in the recently-ended Michael Ovitz trial, Disney amends its board rules to make it "easier to remove directors and tougher to buy off angry shareholders." The next guy who tries to hire his "life partner" and then fire him a year later with a $140 million parting gift has finally been put on notice. [Variety]
· Disney Smackdown Day continues, as the theater owners association bitchslaps CEO-in-waiting Bob Iger for his comments about shrinking the window between the theatrical and DVD release of movies, and calling this year's studio product "not as good." Aww snap, etc etc. [THR]
· Warner Brothers pushes Wachowski Bros. film V is for Vendetta from a November to March release date, blaming post-production problems (four months of problems?), not its now-touchy plot involving terrorism in London. [Variety]
· Paul Giamatti and Monica Bellucci are in "early negotiations" to star with Clive Owen in the winkingly titled action project Shoot 'Em Up. Giamatti would play the bad guy (we were kind of hoping for mouthy sidekick), and Bellucci star Clive Owen's love interest. But if they really want to shake up the genre, why not swap their roles? There'd be something magic about Owen and Giamatti doing that special movie tango of sexual tension. [THR]
· Hollywood Out of Ideas, Hoo-ah Edition: Al Pacino will star in a remake/update of the 1955 French heist flick Rififi. [Variety]
Two days after the announcement of the abrupt end of Eminem's European tour, the reason for the cancellation has been upgraded from the classic "exhaustion" to "rehab for sleeping medication dependency." On the Publicist Excuse Matrix, "sleeping medication" (or any kind of relatively socially acceptable painkiller/prescription drug) usually equals "heroin," so interpret today's official statement accordingly.
