· Is Snoop kidnapping Pee Wee football players? We hear drug testing in his league is pretty lax.
· The LA Weekly's Nikki Finke sounds the death knell for movie advertising in the "newsosaurs," claiming that studios think the audiences of the LA Times, NY Times, and their ink-on-paper ilk aren't worth the huge ads that clog their entertainment sections. We hope this frees up promotional budgets for more skywriting. We love skywriting.
· Please, whatever you do, don't look here if you ever, ever want to experience sexual desire again.
· Find out what role KFC played in the loss of John Leguizamo's virginity, or learn about David Cross's fond memories of Times Square.
· Paris Hilton has started wearing a disguise to slow mobs of fans. Just try and think of a punchline that doesn't involve a pair of Groucho glasses and her vagina, we dare you.

· Yes, it's in Pasadena, but it's a) outside and b) free, so have a look: The Blue13 Dance Company puts together some Bollywood-inspired moves on stage whilst you picnic nearby.
· That's a-spicy music round-up: The head-kickingest band in all the land, The Brian Jonestown Massacre, at the new Vanguard Theater; Irving at the Echo; Rufus Wainwright, Ben Folds and Ben Lee at the Wiltern.
· Flavorpill's probably given out their free tickets, but tonight's screening of Able Edwards, a computers-and-green-screen indie flick, sounds like it's worth a trip to the Egyptian.

We threw down the blind item gauntlet, and once again you have picked it up and slapped us in the face. (In a good way, of course.) Spend a little more time One (Re-) Netted Blind Vice:

Rather than join the "shower or grow-er" debate of yesterday, the folks at Salon decide to attack Jude Law's penis from a different angle, namely Why It Doesn't Matter If The Famous Actor Has A Wee Tallywacker: [you may have to watch an ad to read the story]

Besides being a large-footed inventory clerk in an unexploded landmine reclamation facility in Iraq, working on a television set is the most dangerous job we can think of. Yesterday, Eva Longoria was felled by a falling pipe, and this morning, the set of Guiding Light was temporarily quarantined after a brief mercury scare. Extra is the first to exclusively report on the scare in an Extra-only press release:

Boring old photos of Paris Hilton climbing out of a ridiculously expensive automobile are no fun, but photos of the paparazzi taking those pictures of the overexposed heiress, well, now we're talking all kinds of meta-fun! A reader documented a recent run-in between the paps and Hilton (above, click it to see a larger version), and after the jump, he himself becomes part of the story, writing a new, useless chapter of the New Celebrity Journalism.

Hollywood PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are sent in by our readers (who are solely responsible for lapses in capitalization and punctuation). Send yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (putting “privacywatch” or “sighting” in the subject line helps make sure we can find them when we put this post together) and let the world know that you are a fan of neither Adrien Brody's fashion sense nor his flashy Italian sports car.

· Angelina Jolie will star in Robert Zemeckis's "performance capture" (think Polar Express) adaptation of Beowulf, which will likely result in an impressively life-like, but creepily hollow-eyed, affair with one of her simulated co-stars. [Variety]
· After joining Commander in Chief with a recurring role, Natasha Henstridge signs a one-year holding deal with Touchstone TV. That should allow them more than enough time to figure out how to work Henstridge's signature nude work (come on, you've watched Species like a hundred times) onto network television. [THR]
· Against all odds, Renny Harlin continues to work. [Variety]
· Tommy Lee Goes to College came in second to Big Brother on Tuesday night, but "pasasable grades" give NBC a glimmer of hope. Paticularly poignant is the scene in which Lee explains to a professor that he learned to read by carefully studying groupies' tattoos. [Variety]
· Last and definitely not least, very sad news (really): Pixar story head Joe Ranft died in a car crash Tuesday. There's also a nice tribute to him over at Jim Hill Media. [THR]

Wherein we invite our readers to savor the bizarre neologisms, tortured extended metaphors, and moments of "Holy fucking shit, I think Shakespeare's bones just exploded!" of humpy E! gossipologist Ted Casablanca in the course of decoding his weekly blind item. Did we say tortured extended metaphors? Yeah, we've got that this week. Inhale One (Re-) Netted Blind Vice:

While Tara Reid criscrosses the globe in search new and exotic places in which to stare drunkenly into a television camera and express slurred wonder at the local culture, our brother blog Gridskipper faithfully chronicles her overseas exploits. Last night's episode (which we watched, sober, bad idea) featured only one on-screen "Tara Drink," but the producers were obviously monitoring her off-screen beverage intake and had the good sense to keep their star on a balcony thirty feet above the running of the bulls on the Pamplona street below:

A living, breathing, pulsating incarnation of its incredibly well-chosen name, Rokbar has both rock music and a bar. But what really sets Hollywood's new rock-n-roll-playing-space-that-serves-alcohol apart from other local watering holes partial to the loud playback of AC/DC is the involvement of celebrities like rock-star investor/cultivator of scary facial hair/visionary Dave Navarro. The LAT gets hell bent for leather:

Oh, celebrities! When they aren't falling off horses, they're standing around on sets, minding their own business, and practically begging to become victims of gravity. A Defamer operative on the scene wrote in to inform us of an on-set accident yesterday involving Eva Longoria on a Desperate Housewives location shoot:

· As seen on Defamer some six months ago, the Lindsay Lohan doll is finally available. Bathroom Stall Playset sold separately.

· Wild Boar in an Airport Limo, Stingrays in the Toilet Bowl, and other close-proximity animal terrors inspired by Snakes on a Plane.

· Maddox has a fake blog. This kid's going places.

· This is perhaps the least interesting lede to a gossip item ever written: "Steve Martin is many things - comedian, essayist, actor - but not everyone recalls that he's a banjo enthusiast."

· It's been ten minutes, so: Jude Law's penis. That's all.

· The Mod Squad's Peggy Lipton (you know, the one whose character was badly played by Claire Danes in the awful remake) does the read-and-sign thing with her autobiography, Breathing Out at Book Soup.
· Hump Day Music: Indie deities J Mascis and Lou Barlow revive the magic of Dinosaur Jr. at Avalon; David Gray at the Ford Amphitheatre; The Greenhornes aren't opening for the White Stripes at the Greek tonight, but they're doing a free show at Amoeba; let your inner mildly braindamaged teenage girl out for the American Idols Live show at Staples Center.
· Corpulent Last Comic Standing star (not so fast, Jay Mohr's head!) Ralphie May and a handful of other comics stand up at the Hollywood Improv.

From Reuters, the story of yet another former child actor landing on the police blotter:

Movie City News's Hot Blog ominously (and coyly) announces that a new Tom Cruise story is about to speed down the gossip turnpike, inevitably resulting in a fresh fourteen-car pileup of bad publicity:

The Larchmont Charter School is holding an eBay charity auction for the opportunity to spend two weeks as an intern embedded within [Ed.note—How do we say this without winding up an orphan with cracked ribs?] famously passionate uber-producer Joel Silver's office. The description:

We at Defamer are committed to fostering constructive, thought-provoking debate. Shortly after posting this morning's item about the seemingly disappointing reality of Jude Law's dangling nanny-bait captured by a paparazzo's lens, some readers wrote in to the defend the naughty actor's member, advancing this crucial discussion through both a contrarian eyewitness account and an imperfect simulation of the controversial photo's conditions:

Usually there's no point in linking to something in The Onion, as we believe the terms of service of the internets require every user to visit the site five times a week, but when matters of Michael Bay are involved, all bets are off. We can't take the chance that you might miss the fauxteur's fake-itorial, "What Has Our Society Come To When March of the Penguins Is The Blockbuster Hit of the Summer?":

· The New Paramount's summer has been spent wandering around the box office, finding piles of War of the Worlds and The Longest Yard cash left laying around by the old, Sherry Lansing regime. Third place never felt so easy. [Variety]
· Hollywood's unions are lobbying NY's Governor Pataki, urging him to veto a bill that would allow managers to procure work for their clients while operating outside of the rules that apply to licensed agents (like the one that usually limits them to 10 percent commissions), plunging the world of talent agencies into chaos. [THR]
· Steve Carrell is the new poker: New Line nabs The 40 Year Old Virgin for High T, in which he's injected with testosterone until acceptable levels of hilarity ensue, and ensuring that the actor is well on his way to Stilleresque/Ferrellian levels of overexposure. [Variety]
· People are actually watching Big Brother 6, proving that the late summer schedule is even more of a wasteland than previously suspected. [THR]
· What we meant to say is that AJ Jacobs is the new poker: After very recently selling a book proposal to Paramount, Universal options the Esquire writer's article "My Outsourced Life" for Jay Roach's (newly Universal-based) Everyman Films. Steve Carrell to star. (Just kidding—for now, at least). [Variety]