Bastard toddler network The CW has had a bit of a rough time rebounding after the writers strike, its slate failing to find traction with an audience comprised almost entirely of easily distracted tweenagers and confused elderly disappointed to learn they hadn't found a new home for Hee Haw reruns. Six of their series recently learned they had been spared the guillotine, including the always-dependable America's Next Top Model, the under-performing Gossip Girl, and the hanging-by-a-thread Everybody Hates Chris; sadly, however the same could not be said for 25 ill-fated staffers just handed their pink slips—curiously enough, printed on the netlet's branded green. From Variety:

Either French actor (and former Kylie paramour) Oliver Martinez is attempting to recreate his favorite scene from the film Gummo or he's just creeping everybody out with his ability to ride a bike without using the handles (all the while doing a very good Vincent Gallo impression).

Yesterday, we debuted our new feature, "A Call to the Bullpen," without much explanation. While this was intentional, we'll take the opportunity now to give you, the loyal Defamer audience, a bit of context about the vibe we're aiming for with it. "A Call to the Bullpen" is our humble attempt to break up the day's regular posting schedule with a weird or interesting (or weirdly interesting) celebrity photo, one that we'll pair with a song and a bit of caption. Basically, it's the Defamer equivalent to the Kiss Cam you tend to see at Dodgers or Lakers games, only instead of showing kids frenching to "What I Like About You," we'll show you a photo of Lindsay Lohan stumbling out of Villa scored with a Three 6 Mafia song or Spoon tune. That's it! With that, please enjoy the next installment...

As soon as deals were signed, sealed and delivered for SATC brainchildren Candace Bushnell and Darren Star to helm their own interchangeable shows on rival networks, the claws were out. Rumors of fights between the former successful partners, publicly voiced dismissals of the others' futures in primetime, and an overall tension among loyal SATC viewers concerned about their iconic creators' feud led to a predictable race-to-the-finish come winter pilot season. And now, according to the NY Daily News, we may have a winner. Today's rumor on which Menopause And The City spinoff is most likely to bite the dust first, after the jump...

We've expressed some frustration that American Idol hasn't yet given us more to work with by way of controversies, but we're happy to say that today brings some solid progress in that department. For starters, we have official confirmation via AP report that dark horse contestant David Hernandez once made a living giving dark horsey rides:

Every TV nut (well, isn't that all of us here?) has, at one point or another, spent a little time fantasizing about certain fictional characters on their favorite shows. These fantasies tend to be either soft-focus daydreams (say, dreaming up elaborate schemes in which they "bump" into you at a party) or something a bit more hard-core (picturing them while giving your significant other the old in-out). On that note, the clever list-makers over at EW decided to compile a Top 30 reader's choice collection of the small-screen boys and girls who most frequently make cameos in those illicit fantasies. But, with no offense to the site's readers, we have some serious vetoes to charge. After the jump, our picks for who falls under Strongly Agree (the predictable Jim Halpert) and those we brand as a Vehemently Disagree (four words: Bree. Van. De. Camp), as well as the most erroneous, mind-boggling oversight missing from the group:

Having fallen victim to an extremely common pitfall for any parent locked in a protracted, anxiety-inducing divorce, closet stress-eater Kevin Federline was captured recently on a local fairway sporting a hefty paunch and a sprouting set of cankles. The implications, of course, are staggering, as the former couchhusband and background krumper will soon find that his newly zaftig frame will overwhelm his garment of choice, leaving this wife-beater-enthusiast with an enormous, virtually useless pile of skewed cotton tank tops. (That is, until a lightbulb moment lands them on eBay, billed as an exciting new line of slightly used K-Fed maternity wear.)

On Sunday night in New York, paps caught redheaded star Amy "No, I'm Not Isla Fisher" Adams leaving the romantic West Village hotspot Paris Commune with someone that we initially thought might have been her little brother visiting from out of town. But then we caught a glimpse of that infamous ear-to-ear grin that 30 Rock's Jack McBrayer has won the world's love with, and couldn't help but embarrassingly reflect it ourselves. Exiting arm in arm, and judging by Jack's toothier-than-ever mug, the duo couldn't look more adorable. But! Pictures after the jump sadly ruin our plans to send a cappuccino machine to the NBC set...

· Freckles. Cowboy. Skeletor. Sweetheart. Mergatroid Murgatroyd. Chachi. Oliver Twist. Hoss. Just a handful of the nicknames that Sawyer has called people on Lost over the years. [YouTube via Detroit News]
· We have no idea how they pulled this off, but 23/6 managed to get their paws on an "advance copy of the table of contents" of the Olsen Twins' new book, Influence. [23/6]
· Treehouse Of Horror: The Movie? Hank Azaria floats the idea of an anthology movie for the next Simpsons big screen adventure. [MTV Movies Blog]
· We always thought those Monster cables the goons at Best Buy always try to bully you into buying were ridiculously overpriced. That said, we always just kind of assumed that they must work. Turns out we were wrong about the second part. [Consumerist]
· The trailer for Once gets sweded. [Hollywood Elsewhere]

It's Oprah's Big Give fever! YOU get to give! And YOU get to give! EVeryBOdy GETS to GIVE! To start the ball rolling, we offer documented Mac-enthusiast Drew Barrymore, who made a donation of $1 million of her personal fortune to an organization that feeds Kenyan children, written out on a giant, Price Is Right-style check and presented on The Oprah Winfrey Show today. It was a gesture of such heartfelt magnanimity that none other than Drew's Charlie's Angels co-star and bestest friend Cameron Diaz (secret, mutual nickname: Poo) called in to congratulate her on the gesture. Lucy Liu, meanwhile, waited patiently on Line 2; unfortunately, time restraints never allowed her to publicly state that she too was all for Barrymore's decision to give $1 million to a very worthy cause.

Publicists tend to be one of two things: boring, lips-sealed mouthpieces armed with "no comment" at every twist and turn or loud-mouthed toughies whose sole duty on this planet is to defend their Amazonian clients. Nicole Kidman, for better or worse, is repped by the latter: one Catherine Olim, who sent out a nasty rebuttal regarding NY Post columnist Cindy Adams' claims that knocked up Nic threw a few back at the Oscars. And despite our affection for long-time gossip Adams and her kookily nonsensical musings, we're officially on Team Olim after hearing this statement:

Austin Visschedyk, Kid Pap: Name ring any bells? We devoted several electronic column inches to the juvenile paparazzi after he was profiled by the NY Times, one of a growing member of a new tween underclass toiling in the Hollywood trenches. Like Gary Busey's child-interviewer attack victim and the Chinese Theater Ewok drop-kicked by a very territorial Chewbacca, Vosschedyk knows from child-labor perils. Still, there's something deeply affecting about hearing his first-person account to TMZ's cameras of the time Matt Dillon not only refused his polite request for a picture, but told the flash-happy youngster to "get a life" after Vosschedyk innocently got a gang of his closest pap-buddies to trail the camera-shy Crash star.

If there's one thing you can count on in a world that's wild at heart and weird on top, it's that the celebrity infotainment shows will come up with at least a handful of moments every week that'll make you groan, chuckle and hurl simultaneously. As always, we make Intrepid Defamer Videographer™ Molly McAleer watch all of these shows so you don't have to. Highlights/lowlights from last week's tabloid television shows include Sally Struthers being blasted by The Insider and TMZ accusing Katherine Heigl of "calling in the gays" when she invited Grey's co-star T.R. Knight over to her house. Enjoy!

With two superstar parents and a lifetime spent travelling in Hollywood circles, you'd think Kate Hudson would be pretty up on her brethren in the acting community (especially those actresses gracing the cover of just about every other glossy on the newsstand). But apparently the name Katherine Heigl doesn't ring a bell with the former Mrs. Robinson. In an interview with UK Elle, the no-longer-single blondie allegedly feigned ignorance when Heigl's name was brought up, asking:

Dr. Drew appeared on The View today to update the world on the status of his Celebrity Rehab patients (tally: one jailed, one Scientology convert, the rest currently missing). The hosts had a difficult time swallowing one point in particular, being why anyone would allow such a difficult and deeply private journey to play out for reality TV cameras. Could it be as simple of Joy Behar's blunt assessment that these personalities are most addicted to celebrity itself?

As reality TV star Lauren Conrad brilliantly illustrates, the best part of fame and celebrity might just be knowing that you're allowed to dress like Mrs. Roper from Three's Company and still considered to be "fashion forward."

· Because you just realized you are old: Forty-year-olds look back at their teenage selves, in this concert reading of a musical called 40 is the New 15 at the The Colony Theatre.

We're still holding out for the American Idol scandal motherload, but so far, we've had to settle for underwhelming pseudo-dirt regarding the wig-wearing, gay-stripping skeletons hiding inside some of the male contestants' closets. Even that Idol scandal mainstay—the racy photo—is a little bit of a letdown this season. Where last year brought us Antonella Barba peeing, this year, we get this rather humdrum shot of Ramiele Malubay grabbing a handful of sushi-slinging co-worker boob. Wake us up when it's revealed that puppy-eyed front runner David Archuleta is actually a 52-year-old woman with a song in her heart and a growth-deficiency in her DNA.

Has the Hef finally reached that age where he should start relegating his casting decisions to someone with, ahem, better vision? After understandably courting Lindsay Lohan to pose for Playboy following her NY Mag shoot (Note: we may have typed the phrase "following her NY Mag shoot" approximately 79 times in the last week. That's called a successful spread, people.), the robed golden oldie has now set his sights on none other than the collective 100 pound twosome that are Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen. Having previously begged the then-plumpish-sized twins on their 18th birthday, Hef is still under the impression that "the twins are every young man's fantasy," according to a source at Ace Showbiz. Call us crazy, but last time we checked, women with the bodies of 12 year-old boys who dress like grannies ready to hop the bus to Atlantic City don't exactly set men's pants ablaze...

A highly placed Defamer operative asks: "Which hunky entertainment news anchor has been quietly dismissed for showing up to work drunk? (Quite a feat, considering some of his co-workers' track records.) But the real dirt is even better—apparently, he's gone through all of this once before." Hint: NOT Donny Osmond.