It's a sad day in the blogosphere when the one bit of happy news we've heard all day proves to be a complete farce. Us has just posted a statement from Winona Ryder's rep informing all Wino4eva enthusiasts that the actress is not, in fact, engaged to boyfriend Blake Sennett. Poor Winona. Just when we thought the day finally came where one of her rocker beaus would make her an honest woman, it turns out to be nothing but a dream. [Us]

If you haven't yet seen the bizarre Jack Nicholson ad for the Hillary campaign, well, feast your eyes on the video above, sure to be studied as the ultimate example of celebrity endorsements gone wrong by generations of poli-sci majors enrolled in "Hillary '08: Sketches In Failure." In it, a variety of trademark Nicholson psychopaths mumble vaguely pro-Clinton lines of out-of-context dialogue. (Good thing, too, as the line pulled from A Few Good Men, Gawker point out, is followed by the very un-presidential rumination, "Promote 'em all, I say, 'cause this is true: if you haven't gotten a blowjob from a superior officer, well, you're just letting the best in life pass you by.")

Quel âne. Marion Cotillard has come under entirely predictable criticism for her moronic claim that the attacks of September 2001 might have been a conspiracy by property developers who couldn't be bothered to repair the cabling on the Twin Towers. The Oscar-winning French actress should have tried contrition, a dash of naivete, with the breathless delivery that won over the audience during last weekend's Academy Awards telecast. Instead: petulance about as charming as France's enduring resentment of those countries that liberated them twice in the last century.

When Ellen Page strutted onto the stage of Studio 8H to deliver her monologue on this week's episode of SNL dressed like one of the Sweathogs, we didn't pay it much mind. With the benefit of hindsight (and after having seen this skit), maybe our eyebrows should have risen ever so slightly. But, at the time, we were too busy enjoying Andy Samberg's impression of Diablo Cody to wonder about the Ellen Page Sexuality Sweepstakes. While all you bloggers and froggers out there will likely concur that his Diablo didn't quite reach the level of the Diablo impersonator in the Funny Or Die video, we did love the calvacade of blog references that he managed to mix into his impression. The video, along with a complete list of all of the blog-related catchphrases in the making follows after the jump:

I know that's an extremely sacrilegious thought and a part of me morally objects to it, but how awesome would a remake of Rosemary's Baby starring Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes be? Obviously, it'd be played for laughs, but it'd one of those movies that Hollywood couples make to explain their love affair. Like Kurt Russell & Goldie Hawn in Overboard.

· OMG! AFTRA wants SAG to start negotiating with AMPTP ASAP! [Variety]
· What do Charlie Sheen, Rosie O'Donnell, and Oscar-winner Marion Cotillard have in common? Hint: Not talent! A year-old interview with the La Vie en Rose star reveals she's a 9-11 conspiracist, too. Edifice sept! Edifice sept! [Variety]

Facebook investor Peter Thiel plans to pay someone who adheres to a "specific strain of Christian philosophy" $100,000 to $200,000 a year to give away his money. A tipster tell us that the strain is Stanford professor Rene Girard's. Girard's big idea is something he calls mimetic desire, which posits that the only reason I want a Wii so bad is because everybody else wants a Wii so bad. This is called the triangulation of desire. Girard has a 52-minute clip on the Web in which he explains how the theory relates to Christianity. Or, there's this clip from Grey's Anatomy, which YouTube user nefariouscarrot claims illustrates mimetic desire.

Brian Grazer has made little secret of his helplessness over his knowledge addiction: The superproducer's cravings have become so extreme, he can regularly be found shivering in the alley outside the Imagine offices awaiting his cultural attaché, who arrives bearing a bindle of high-grade Blue Insight for Grazer to cook up over a bare lightbulb and inject directly between his concept-hungry toes. But with his trusty idea-pusher having decided it was time to move on, the unusual job listing for his replacement has been making the Hollywood rounds. The New Yorker reports:

If we could swap ex-boyfriend lists with any celebrity, it would have to be newly-engaged (!) Winona Ryder. Johnny Depp, Rob Lowe, Daniel Day Lewis, Christian Slater, David Duchovny ... swoon. But we digress. The Getty Images blog is reporting that the top-heavy worldwide-forgiven shoplifter is with fiance. And while the lucky guy in question isn't the prettiest boy she's ever gotten under the covers with, he's got rocker cred. Cali native Blake Sennett, guitarist for indie band Rilo Kiley, has apparently been working with Winona on a film called Water Pill, though we can't find any mention of the mystery flick on IMDB or elsewhere (perhaps it's an indie sex tape? One can only hope.) More details on when and where they made their announcement, including what newly appointed cultural observer Courtney Love had to say about it, after the jump.

I can imagine it all right now. The hallway leading up to Brett Ratner's bedroom lined with MTV Music Video awards, scented candles, rose petals and framed photos that'd feel more home in Brett & Bob Evans' 'Book of Us'. The song above blasting through the Bose Audio system all through out the house; vibrating and rattling the windows. Yet the only thing spoken the entire night probably was, "Just not in my eyes, okay?"

Good news to pass along on this Monday morning. We are pleased as punch to announce that Douglas Reinhardt has been added to the Defamer roster, where he will be serving in the role of contributor. Some of you may recognize Douglas' name from his blog, Skeet On Mischa, where he has been keeping tabs on pop culture ephemera since 2004. He will be penning a new short burst feature for us called "A Call To The Bullpen", a feature that will run thrice daily here on Defamer, beginning today. But before we debut the feature, here's a quick bio of Defamer's newest contributer:

Towards the very end of SNL, guest host Ellen Page veered from the show's regular template for a sketch virtually bereft of jokes—more of a 3-minute mini-play, really—in which she gushes to roommate Andy Samberg of the near religious experience that was a Melissa Etheridge concert. "There were so many athletic girls in tank tops...And then the Indigo Girls came out...And then Ellen DeGeneres came out and did this bit about being in the closet when she was young! And it was so true!" Asked by Samberg if she "went gay," the reluctant-to-be-labeled character responds, "I just feel like an oil lamp that's never been lit. Why can't I just hug a woman with my legs in friendship?"

What better way to start the week than with another batshit episode contributing to the American Tragedy that is Britney Spears? According to the always-credible Fleet Street tabloid The Sun, Britney went into (sigh) one of her now-signature rampages after allegedly discovering roughly a dozen "flirty" text messages in current beau Adnan Ghalib's iPhone, a rampage that concluded with Britney tossing the pricy toy into her pool. Apparently, the famewhoriest paparazzo in the world has been photographed canoodling with a waitress, and The Package discovered their illicit texts (described as "pretty saucy stuff with sexual references — certainly not the sort you'd send to just a friend"). And yet, the best is yet to come: in response to his dearest's accusations, Adnan hand-wrote a child-like love letter to the maybe-bipolar "singer," complete with the nauseating phrase "milky bowl of soup." An image of the pathetic apology, complete with scrawled hearts and florist letterhead, after the jump.

Tend to the wounds of your ill-advised weekend bear-wrestling adventures with the box office numbers:

Lindsay Lohan has never been one to shy away from press, no matter how bad or embarrassing it may be. And following right on the heels of her controversial nip-baring photo shoot for New York Magazine, Lindsay's apparently become so fond of showing off her T&A that she's decided to arrange various photo shoots displaying each of her five tattoos. And though the tats' placement aren't, as far as we know, placed in the vicinity of body parts the revealing Marilyn Monroe-inspired shoot didn't dare show, we wouldn't be surprised if a nouveau tat representing some lame Chinese saying for sobriety appeared in the exhibit, premiering this Thursday in New York. Images of LiLo's known tattoos after the jump; it's up to you to figure out how highbrow artists are going to manage to turn the oh-so-original stars and John Lennon lyrics into masterpieces:

If any of you had the fortune of seeing Susan Sarandon and Ralph Fiennes in HBO's latest TV movie Bernard and Doris, you may remember the tobacco heiress's inexplicable desire to adopt a hare krishna healer. And now, following in the aristocratic footsteps of her idolized lady-who-lunch predecessors, Paris Hilton has decided to add a Buddhist monk "guru" to her ever-changing collection of confusing, flamboyant accessories. The gray-bearded, orange-robed monk has now replaced her standard arm candy of dogs, D-list actors and purses emblazoned with her own visage on them. But is Paris genuinely interested in learning the ways of the Dalai Lama, or is she eerily mirroring Duke's descent into madness?

· And the winner is...YOU, Oscars Liveblog reader!
·The West and Burst Dressed.
· Diablo Cody's fairy tale night marred by a very controversial pair of glass-cutting slippers. OMG! Nude stripper! But what does it mean for stripperdom as a whole?
· Scott Rudin declares his man-love before billions, but it takes the Academy a few tries to notice.
· Courtney Loves's Oscars review, in 16 words or less.
· Gary Busey's act of contrition.
· The Buffalo News Crew Nine-Word Review.
· Ellen Page spotted Rubyfruit Mafia-adjacent! Ssssscandal!
· This is the way New Line will end: Not with a bang, but a merger.
· McLovin Rising.
· We're only grateful Johnny Grant, God rest his soul, never lived to see the smut THR passes for a cover nowadays. Is it any wonder they aren't Oprah-fearing people?
· Idol loses two of its secret-harboring contestants. Nurse Rocker's revenge.
· A sneak peek at what you're not missing in Step Brothers.
· The Week in Fucking: Kimmel on Affleck. Banks on Rogen.

· Much like her brother Michael, we have a hard time really buying the whole girlish falsetto of Janet Jackson's voice. It's as if she's just waiting for a commercial break to unleash that Howard Stern-esque basso profundo of hers. [Ellen]
· Ellen Page pulls out of Sam Raimi's Drag Me to Hell, reportedly because "she didn't like the latest draft of the script." Which strikes us as just the sort of excuse someone who'd bring their lesbian power publicist as their date to the Oscars would give, doesn't it? [bloody-disgusting.com]
· We must hand it to that Tilda Swinton: She's a pistol. She's already converted her Oscar into a hash pipe. So handy! [Popbytes]
· Now you're all Archuleta, Archuleta, Archuleta, as if Sanjaya never even existed. Well what if we sweetened the Malakar by offering you a shot of the Ponyhawked One...shirtless? We thought so. Enjoy. [rickey.org]
· Next time you have company over, serve them a nice glass of wine in a bacon cup! They can even eat it once they're done drinking. [Not Martha via WOW]

Okay, we have officially forgiven Mariah Carey for Glitter, for two reasons. 1) She's such a hardcore 30 Rock fan that she asked Kenneth the Page to co-star in her new music video, and 2) Mimz is lookin' fine these days. Possibly the best she's ever looked. In this video for her new single, "Touch My Body," Kenneth (aka Jack McBrayer) plays a "compunerd" who shows up at Mariah's manse to fix technical issues with her 'puter, but winds up romping around wearing a Middle Ages fighting crown in her fluffy bed playing pillow fight. Our favorite moment? Kenneth's dead-on impression of Mariah's legendary falsetto singing skills in the first 30 seconds. Well that, and the sight of him walking an actual unicorn down a dark alley while wearing a regal robe. Well that, and and a mod scene in which Mimz and Kenny faux-shoot each other with guns. On second thought, scratch all that; every moment is classic.

In the greatest act of child bribery by a sitting governor since Bill Clinton withheld his 44th birthday cake from a young, broccoli-boycotting Chelsea, Arnold Schwarzenegger recently recalled his vintage M47 Army tank from its Ohio museum exile as an enticement to California's at-risk youths to just behave already, for Christ's sake.