Sad news to report. Patrick Swayze, the always charming, dirty dancing, clay massaging late '80s acting stalwart (and star of everyone's favorite SNL skit), has allegedly just received news that his previously diagnosed pancreatic cancer has spread. According to the National Enquirer, doctors have told him he has approximately five weeks to live:
The good news is that there's a possible Gisele Bundchen/Tom Brady sex tape floating around Manhattan. The bad news? Only a handful of restaurant staffers at New York's highbrow Philippe restaurant have seen it (for now, at least). Thanks to a "security camera" watching over the eatery's precious downstairs wine cellar, a few lucky and lusty busboys and girls have had the pleasure of watching the model and the easy-on-the-eyes quarterback "hook up." But Gisele and Tom aren't the only couple being salivated over in what the restaurant's frequent celebrity guests apparently consider a private room...
In last night's premiere episode of Bravo's Real Housewives of New York City no one bothered to stay in New York City very long. They all flounced off to their gaudy Hamptons manses or, in one ridiculous case, to the classy-talk speaking island of St. Barth's. Ramona, the most image conscious of the leathery ladies, flirted with her nincompoop tennis pro and got drunk poolside with her dopey friends, much to the chagrin of her stick-up-her-ass daughter. Betheny, some sort of aspiring Martha Stewart (and the youngest and only single member of the group) didn't do anything memorable. Jill, the one from the Long Island "Jewish ghetto" who does bulk resale, pranced around playing tennis and sending her perfectly healthy looking daughter off to some sort of weight loss detox program. LuAnn De Lesseps (the countess) barked at her maid and talked about money. And then there's Alex, the stern-jawed Brooklynite (she's the only one who doesn't live on the Upper East Side) who, with her fey Australian husband and forcibly French speaking children, trotted off to St. Barth's to avoid the crush of the Hamptons. There she and her husband wore hideously skimpy bathing costumes and bought tens of thousands of dollars worth of ugly dresses.
· Tonight, we point the viral video spotlight on aspiring actress Amy Walker, who gives us a delightful vocal tour of twenty-one different vocal accents in just under two-and-a-half minutes. If only this woman had been around to give Kevin Costner a few pointers before shooting Robin Hood: Prince Of Thieves! [YouTube]
· Best Week Ever counts down the Top 20 stupid faces made by Patrick Swayze in Ghost. We're partial to numbers 11, 8 and 3. [Best Week Ever]
· A warning: those of you who haven't built up your tolerance to heavy pancake makeup jobs best avoid clicking to see these up close and personal pictures of Katherine Heigl. [Egotastic]
· Fortunately for Will Ferrell, kid reviewer par excellence Sexman liked Semi-Pro WAY more than Jumper. [YouTube via /Film]
· Nerdy boys who came of age during the late `70s and early `80s will surely shed a few tears when they learn that Gary Gygax, the creator of Dungeons & Dragons, passed away earlier today. True story: a young Uncle Grambo once mailed a manuscript for an adventure that a friend and I concocted to his Lake Geneva, WI home (unfortch, we never heard back). Regardless, we'll be rolling our 20-sided die and pouring out a mug of mead tonight in his honor. [Vulture]
While she may not be a "power lesbian" publicist on the scale of Ellen Page's notoriously hard-assed rep Kelly Bush, Radar is reporting that Sandra Bernhard's longtime ladyfriend, Sara Switzer, may have used her clout as a Vanity Fair publicist to secure Bernhard a spot in VF's upcoming spread of twelve Chicks With Schticks (their pun, not ours). Now that that mystery has been solved, we can move onto the more pressing matter of finding out how Chelsea Handler got herself included on this list. After all, last time we checked, Ted Harbert hadn't vacated his post as the President and CEO of the Comcast Entertainment Group for the colder East Coast confines of Condé Nast. [Radar]
I know I'm the only person on earth tired of the Onion, so here's the trailer for The Onion Movie. While the film was supposed to come out in 2005, the trailer that was just released on the Darjeeling Limited DVD says the movie will go straight to DVD this year. Good call. Not only is the thing outdated, but I doubt most theater audiences could sit still for ninety minutes of the same deadpan news schtick. Even Monty Python knew they had to have a plot if they wanted to make a feature-length film. Trailer's below.
By now, seemingly every pop culture pundit worth their weight in punchlines has latched onto the high comedic value of David Caruso's effusive stylings on CSI: Miami. In particular, The Soup's Joel McHale has taken extreme delight in (and created a cottage industry from) Caruso's patented "I'm going to hastily remove my sunglasses while I deliver this one-liner" maneuver. But until we read this insider's account of Caruso's excruciating acting process on Popbitch, the TV viewer in us always just kind of naively assumed that these moments happened semi-serendipitously. But boy oh boy, were we ever wrong:
Dirt star Courtney Cox leaves Nobu in a daze; either she's disappointed by the number of paparazzi covering her nearly frozen beat or she just endured an endless stream of terrible Chandler Bing impressions from hungry tourists with money to burn.
Got an extra six grand lying around with nothing to consume? Well, the folks at Guernsey's Auction House will be happy to solve your fiscal problem. What could possibly be more fulfilling than spending those benjamins on a previously worn wife-beater with holes in it, coupled with silk purple and maroon pants? Not buying it? Well, what if we told you said ensemble was worn by Jim Carrey in the legendary bird-calling scene from Ace Ventura: Pet Detective. And if you roll higher than that, say with 100 grand taking up space in your wife's shoe closet, get your ass to Vegas on March 15th because Michael Keaton's likely-sweat-drenched Batman Returns costume awaits. What else will the Pugliese Pop Culture Collection feature? More offerings, prices and images follow after the jump.
Breaking! More news from the front lines of what some are already calling the Great CAA Egg Roll Fire of 2008. Another reader reports: "Ironically, I am told the egg roll caught fire in the microwave. HR removed all CAA's toaster ovens months ago...(wait for it), 'fire hazard,' they said. Is no one safe?" Clearly, the carefully calibrated CAA microwaves, set to cook a fresh baby to perfection in its own steamer bag with a mere two clicks of the potato button, as a commenter once pointed out, were not equipped to handle something as small as an egg roll. Developing...
The producers of American Idol offer their official reaction to GayStripperGate, in which it was revealed that contestant David Hernandez used to make a living at Phoenix-area men's burlesque Dick's Cabaret (Where Even the Dicks Give You Jazz Hands!™). From a TVGuide.com interview with Idol producer Ken Warwick:
Sometimes, all it takes is something relatively insignificant—say, the firing of two proton torpedoes down a thermal exhaust port that leads directly to a reactor core, or an overcooked chinese appetizer—to fell the seemingly invulnerable. This just in from a Defamer operative stationed in the vicinity of the CAA Death Star: "Not sure if you heard, but apparently the caa bldg. was evacuated because someone burnt an egg roll in a toaster oven and it set off the fire alarm." We encourage further eyewitness accounts of the burnt-egg-roll carnage (and baby-flavored dipping sauces) that brought operations at Hollywood's most powerful institution to a grinding halt.
We realize Academy Awards season seems light years away, but a series of photobooth-style pictures taken at Madonna and Demi Moore's A-to-the-power-of-A-list Oscars night bash have surfaced in Australian celebrity news magazine New Idea. (How they got their hands on them is a story unto itself, requiring a 28-inch dwarf to be smuggled into the proceedings via dessert cart, crawl inside the mechanized contraption, and collect the still-wet strips as quickly as they could be spit out.) In the snapshots, you can spy some of the world's most famous faces—your P. Diddys, your O.Bloomies—mugging shamelessly for the camera, usually in the vicinity of a twice-as-nutty Rumer Willis, who was allowed to join in on the fun after stepdad Ashton Kutcher offered some strong, "Yes, this is my daughter, now please step aside, rent-a-cop" words for ill-prepared event security.
We are deeply saddened to report that momager, pimp and our very own white Oprah, Ms. Dina Lohan, has signed with E! to film her long-lusted after reality show. According to the network's official press release, we shall be forced to view Dina's attempts to jumpstart the other ones' (Ali and Cody) careers in showbiz, and they'll tell you why the torturous Living Lohan is necessary:
Why are you on the run, Iceman? Was your impromptu concert at the Malibu Starbucks interrupted by yawns, highflying Caramel Macchiatos and Gary Busey insisting that he should join in with a ham bone solo and a spiritual chant?
Lindsay Lohan doesn't have a rep for being the picky type when it comes to bumping uglies. Considering that her post-hab dating history includes flings with a snowboarder with debatable level of attractiveness and the perpetually frowny faced Sam Ronson, Lindsay has proven time and time again that it takes little more than the promise of a keybump or twelve to get inside her cokepants. Which is why we find ourselves cracking up at the way that leading Hollywood torture-pornographer Eli Roth's recent run-in with La Lohan went down, an encounter he detailed on his MySpace:
· Alison Lohman has taken the lead in Sam Raimi's Drag Me to Hell, a role recently vacated by increasingly picky Friend of K.D. Ellen Page. [Variety]
· Hollywood EmploymentWatch: Unlike shitcanning-happy The CW, TNT is beefing up its original programming, with a goal of launching "all-original Monday-Wednesday primetime lineup by 2010." [Variety]
· The Weinstein Co. optioned Rita Marley's autobiography No Woman No Cry: My Life With Bob Marley for a screen treatment set for a 2009 release. Cate Blanchett is in talks to play both halves of this moving, musical love story, as well as a young Ziggy. (We now acknowledge that the hacky "Cate Blanchett can play anything" jokes were pretty much put to rest at the Oscars, and move on.) [Variety]
· The Genies, aka The Oscars of the North™, give Sarah Polley's Away From Her and David Cronenberg's Eastern Promises seven trophies each, worth far more on the open awards market now that the U.S. economy is in the shitter. [THR]
· CBS picked up a "cast-contingent order" of Single White Millionaire, a sitcom pilot from Family Guy writer Ricky Blitt about "an unassuming millionaire in his thirties who is ready to settle down." No word on who they're eyeing for the lead, but may we offer up Fat K-Fed? Think about it for a second: It's kind of perfect. [THR]
With hot-headed debates regarding the sales of (People! Exclusive!!) Christina Aguilera's baby blabber cover story in January versus (People! Exclusive!!) Nicole Richie's baby blabber cover last week, the chattering newsies are heatedly trying to get to the bottom of a quasi-intellectual argument about fame and newsstand sales. According to an MSNBC source, the Richie issue "sold more than 1.8 million copies...whereas Aguilera's has sold far less." But why the greater public interest in the ostensibly careerless Richie, as opposed to the Grammy award-winning Aguilera? Apparently, weekly readers like them some knocked up druggies and the weeklies know it:
David Hernandez, the cheesy current American Idol contestant who looks like a dead person, has a checkered past. It seems he used to rock out with his cock out at a Phoenix strip club. (Ugh. Phoenix.) He is only the latest installment in the grand saga of reality stars being revealed as crazed exhibitionists who will expose both inner failings and outer naughty bits in the pursuit of money and validation. In case you're curious, we've compiled a little list of other notable reality television stars who were known to boff for bones or jam out with their clam out.
