In an Brian Williams NBC News piece examining the intersection of religion and Hollywood, That 70s Show writer Dean Batali outs himself as Christian, setting himself up for a joint hit by the heathen forces of the Gay Mafia and the Jews That Run This Town:
· Sub Pop darlings The Thermals and SNL funnyman Fred Armisen invade the Knitting Factory for a night of knee slapping, hip shaking goodness. Knitting Factory? Thermals? There s a joke in there somewhere but we re just too gosh darn lazy to find it. [KF]
· Temple Emanu-El is a perennial Saturday morning favorite for scoping out the Hebrew hotties. But tonight, megaclub Temple — God s house of bump & grind — will bring together trend-setters of both the Jew and Gentile variety when it plays host to the afterparty for Paper magazine s Beautiful People issue. Fugly people need not attend. [Temple]
· Prove your artistic bravery at Matthew Bourne's Play Without Words, a stage interpretation of Joseph Losey's film The Servant. Included: choreographed movement and jazz scoring. Not included: any speaking. How'd you guess? [flavorpill]
The NYT has some bad news for people wanting to do business with part-time movie star/full-time Scientology evangelist Tom Cruise: any deal you hope to make may include a "voluntary" tour of the Hubbard mothership or its satellites:
Sightings are sent in by readers; send yours to tips@gawker.com.
· Those aren't crickets you hear; it's the sound of Ben Widdicombe, who seems to have taken over the Daily News' gossip pages while Rush & Molloy are on vacation and Lloyd Grove is away doing God knows what (slipping Richard Leiby roofies, perhaps?). In addition to the requisite pervy Pat O'Brien coverage, he reports that Star Jones' matrimonial slave, Al Reynolds, has left his post at Merrill Lynch. [Gatecrasher]
· Lindsay Lohan, having made a speedy recovery from a production-halting sprained cankle, avoids the SNL after-party at Suede after she hears that ex-beau Wilmer Valderrama is there. Valderrama was reportedly surrounded by women even thinner and more beautiful than Lohan — impossible! [Page Six]
· There's only one hope for torn lovers Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards: the president. Daddy Martin Sheen is reportedly trying to "counsel" the two back into domestic bliss. [Scoop (last item)]
· American Idol dropout Mario Vazquez still forcing his career to rise, Jennifer Lopez still causing her career to fall. [Fox411]
There is a God, and He/She lives Off-Broadway. It's the only way to explain the marvelous announcement that reality television mom, Star columnist, and mafia princess Victoria Gotti will be bringing her supernatural talents to the production of We're Still Hot (it's a Canadian musical, be nice). On April 9th, Victoria will make her debut as one of "four women rediscovering what they loved — and didn't — about each other as they put together a show for their 35th high school reunion." That's one helluva role: compelling and challenging. But Victoria doesn't like things easy, oh no.
· While they're still open, CBGB hosts rock showcase How Swede It Is. Ignore the cloying title and check out Deportees, Moneybrother, and other talented unknowns vying for your indie love. Past participants include The Hives and Sahara Hotnights, if you're looking for some sort of cred factor. [flavorpill]
· Get your gay on with The Drama Department's Gershwin fundraiser, hosted by Isaac Mizrahi and Cynthia Nixon. For a mere $500 (benefitting the Theater Collective), you can catch Deborah Harry singing showtunes over cocktails at Lot 61. [NYT]
· It's the end of an era: the last episode — ever — of MTV's The Osbournes airs tonight at 10:30. Watch the dogs shit on the carpet one last time while you wonder if Jack and Kelly can stay sober without the cameras on them. [MTV]
Fametracker kicks off a new feature, Celebrity Vs. Thing, in which the famous are pitted in a theoretical deathmatch (we're pretty sure the loser isn't actually erased from existence, but we'll see how it goes) with a random inanimate object. Their first face-off involves beloved actress/mummy war bride Catherine Zeta-Jones and that most unfashionable artifact of the pre-Atkins era, the bagel.
You will wear shades of salmon, carnation, fuschia, and blush. You will pretend to enjoy looking like cotton candy.
A reader reports that right now, in an effort to ensure that the midtown experience remain as hellish as possible, the Times Square subway station is currently populated with young women "bedecked in gag-inducing pink knits" handing out roses to confused straphangers. This can only be an evil tentacle of Sarah Jessica Parker's new Gap campaign, reaching out to girls with pearls in their mouths; a subtle, full-page pink ad in yesterday's Times hinted at today's marketing move. Spring is here and you motherfuckers going to be pretty, whether you like it or not.
On the front page of yesterday's Times Real Estate section, a major story that made us spontaneously gurgle:
· Save Mary-Kate Olsen...from Adam Duritz. Our beloved waif was forced to endure a conversation with the Counting Crows singer at B8. Poor girl just can't catch a break. [ELK (2nd item)]
· After an episode of PoweR Girls in which Lizzie Grubman fucks shit up by planting an unfavorable gossip item about The Lohan, Lindsay is reportedly "hurt." That is, assuming she can still feel pain. [R&M (2nd item)]
· Desperate to clean up her image for her trial, rapper Lil' Kim hits up Marc Jacobs, Tufi Duek, and Moschino for some free legal-wear. She's denied, however, by the respectable Bill Blass, who apparently only cleans up the likes of Paris Hilton. [Gatecrasher]
· Halle Berry is the latest star to flee the William Morris Agency after president Dave Wirtschafter's tirade in last week's New Yorker. [Page Six]
Is there a struggle on the set of Today? Hot on the tail of Katie Couric's personal vendetta against colon cancer, Ann Curry steals the spotlight while Couric's on vacation with her discovery of this rare clinical depression thing. Can the show balance two causes? And which host can convey the most empathy in her misty eyes?
We just got word that Michele Zipp is, in fact, out at Playgirl and her assistant quit. According to one witness, "It was a pretty cool exit."
Man, is it possible to kill a show with hype before it even really opens? Apparently:
Now that high definition TV sets will soon be in everyone's living rooms, Hollywood beauty squads are going to have to redouble their efforts to hide celebrites' flaws, or else the public will be treated to every pockmark, pimple, and stray unibrow hair. OnHD.TV lists the actors who are going to suffer the most once the changeover occurs:
A tipster tells us that Playgirl editor-in-chief Michele Zipp is packing her desk—and not in a sexy way.
