· Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have another "secret" fuckromp in Morocco (hopefully including ritualistic animal sex) while Jennifer Aniston perfects her best pouty face. [R&M]
· After a View appearance in which Goldie Hawn wrongly accused Star Jones of spreading gossip, Barbara Walters will be outed as the guilty party. So who's the boss on this show? [Page Six]
· Jessica Simpson continues to give the impression of being single by humping and grinding her way about Vegas. [Lowdown (last item)]
· Roger Friedman refuses to stop writing about Michael Jackson. [Fox411]

The new-and-improved Post is all over the rebirth of the rave scene but, with a picture like this, you know you needn't bother reading the actual article. As such, we're tackling William Van Meter's rave about raves with the handy AutoSummarize tool:

You can take the 10:30 or 11:30 Delta Shuttle to Boston, and you'll still have plenty of time to get to Cambridge and catch Atoosa Rubenstein's sure-to-be inspiring talk at Harvard. Also, you'll finally be able to answer the age-old question: Seventeen's Atoosa or ex-NYTer Elvis Mitchell, who's hairier? JO
*Yes, we know Rudenstine isn't president anymore. But he's still on the faculty. So the joke works, dammit.

Remember how much everyone loved Daniel Libeskind's World Trade Center master plan back when he first unveiled it? Yeah, well, fuck of a lot of good it's doing Dan now, as he lies curled up in a ball at developer Larry Silverstein's feet. Today's Post:

We really DON'T want to write the following item but, the fact is, Paris Hilton is a fucking retard. There. We said it. No offense, of course, to the developmentally disabled, who are far more informed/capable/clean than Hilton.

No jokes here, even. We're just freaked. Someone set off two "improvised explosive devices"military-ese for the pipe bombs and whatnot Iraqis would rather throw at U.S. soldiers than the roses Dick Cheney promisedin front of the British consulate in midtown this morning. The IEDs were planted in the flowerpot security barrier things in front of the consulate, which it turns out are great places to hide bombs. Sort of defeats the purpose, no? On top of last weekend's second murder of some kid in the LES, we're not sure we're leaving the house anymore. JO

Who, exactly, decided to schedule construction on Delancey last night? We're dying to know the name of the fuckwit at the Department of Whatever who's responsible for the drilling and jackhammering that continued well after 1 AM.

Indulge us for a moment, won't you, in this anniversary-inspired reverie. Longtime readers of this site might remember a time when Ugg boots were considered something of a "cutting edge" (if utterly retarded, to beat on a word we've been overusing lately) fashion, and our resulting obsession with trying to futilely beat back the fuzzy-footed fashion slaves who wore them. We'd like to remind ourselves that no matter how absurd a fad may be, eventually it will pass out of vogue and wind up amongst the hunting rifles and orange vests of a gun shop in The OC. Both figuratively and literally.

Lest you believe blogs fail to contribute to the cultural lexicon:

· Both the Caribou/Four Tet show at Bowery and the Decemberists show at Irving Plaza are sold out. And who says we never engage in service journalism? [flavorpill]
· Amanda McCall and Albertina Rizzo give out Hennessy and fresh-baked cookies (not kidding) at Coliseum Books to promote their book "Hold My Gold: A White Girl's Guide to the Hip-Hop World." We hope this event isn't half as heinous as the accompanying picture. [Coliseum Books]
· Attention all graduating collegians (you too, J-Schoolers): Looking for advice on how to ease that inevitable transition from dorm room back to mom and dad's couch? Check out the book release party of Boomerang Nation: How to Survive Living with Your Parents a Second Time Around" at Sugar tonight. Then stop wasting your parents' money on retarded self-help books and get a job. [Upcoming]

It's cute when the Post tries to be tactful, but it also leaves a little something to be desired. "Looks like Katie forgot her makeup" is the headline? Come on, that could be fromforgive usthe News. Doesn't, say, "Tom's Herpes Honey!" or "Holy Herpes, Holmes!" sound so much more Post-worthy?

It's high time for a Best Press Release Ever Award — because in the big, glossy world of modeling, no child is left behind:

· Jessica Simpson went to the Costume Institute Gala, but her husband Nick Lachey was nowhere to be seen. Strangely, fashionista Johnny Knoxville was also at the gala. Wouldn't it be weird if this were a meaningful coincidence? [R&M]
· Sleeping with an American Idol contestant might've been the best career move Paula Abdul could make. Infamy sounds a whole lot better than Cold-Hearted Snake. [NYDN]
· Bratty textile heir Cody Franchetti ditches a charity gig and fails to reschedule because "it's a bad day for his publicist." And you sometimes wonder why we're so angry around here? [Lowdown]

If you're keeping standings at home: Thirty-one days into the season, the New York Yankees have lost 16 games and 47,000 baseball caps. Of course, with only half the hat shipment hijacked, the Bombers' hat-receiving rate is well above their .407 winning percentage. JO

Big Daddy Schumer is very disappointed. Pataki and Bloomberg aren't doing what they're supposed to and getting Ground Zero rebuild. And if they don't shape up, he's taking away their shiny new MasterCard: No more money for a JFK rail link.

After a disappointing run for president, a disappointing stint hosting a reality show, and potentially disappointing shot at the mayoral crapfest, what's a guy like Reverend Al Sharpton to do?

We were so busy hating on Brooklyn earlier in the week that we didn't read far enough into New York mag to pay attention to Kurt Andersen's big sloppy wet kiss to Bob Kerrey, who for something like 20 minutes thought about running for mayor. Kerrey's quick in-and-out earned him the label "flaky," but Kurt's kind of in love:

· Subcontinental literary delight Jhumpa Lahiri and New York Press fav Jonathan Safran Foer continue the plight to furnish P.S. 107 with a library at the next installment of the Readings on the Fourth Floor series in Park Slope. [flavorpill]
· Learn 101 different ways to kill pigeons. Seriously. [Staple Design]
· Hipster-Jew cross-pollination continues tonight at Sway, where Heeb magazine throws a party, as does David Deutsch and Joshua Neuman the publication of their new book ("The Big Book of Jewish Conspiracies.") [Heeb]

Predictably, yesterday's Craiglist post about the spunky agent's assistant who was willing to pass along a headshot in exchange for some oral services inspired a public response on the message board. After all, Hollywood's economy is subject to the "invisible hand" (or mouth, as the case may be) of market forces, and the supply of actors eager to open wide for a shot at big-time representation will always outstrip the demand of opportunistic assistants willing to leverage their position of influence. We can only imagine how many private pitches the ad received.

· Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are going to persist in parading their "relationship" for the world until every person in the world agrees to see both of their upcoming films. [R&M]
· Matt Drudge doesn't want to be anywhere near Arianna Huffington at the WHC dinner, lest she steal some of his internet fairy dust. [Page Six (2nd item on the PDA feed, as we STILL can't get our login to work. Sigh.)]
· RICHARD GERE HATES CRIPPLES?! [Lowdown]
· Just in time for upcoming sweeps, Oprah magically reveals her secret child, who has been kept in the Winfrey cellar all these years. [NYDN]