You were warned: Kneeling on a well-worn copy of Dianetics, Tom Cruise confessed (again) his love to Katie Holmes and, with complete disregard for all that is sane and normal in this world, asked for her hand in marriage. Eager to properly respond, Holmes' publicist shoved his hand a bit further up her ass so as to manipulate her answer into an earnest-sounding agreement. And to show us that their love is real, the pair even held a romantic press conference to share their fantastically fantastic news.

Have you ever wished that whilst having your guts stomped out by a bouncer that refuses to warm to your continued attempts to invade Spider Club (Paris Hilton must know your true feelings, why can't they understand?), you could yelp out the name of the club's owner or that evening's sainted promoter in the vain hope that your beating will be somewhat curtailed? If so, LA.com's got your back with its guide to our fine city's hottest nightlife personalities. "On the list," as it were: Prey owner Sam Nazarian, DJ "Mr. Nicole Richie" AM, and Brent Bolthouse (whose radio show on Indie 103 with Danny Masterson is a must-listen for Danny Masterson fans), who controls the infamous Friday night list at the aforementioned Spider. The helpful LA.com folk even include a photo gallery with the list, so that you can wave goodbye to someone far better connected than you in those final, sweet moments of consciousness preceding the unceremonious dumping of your broken, D-list body in a urine-soaked alley. Fun!

Suggestions for Yankee Stadium sponsors rolled in today like wins do — er, like wins usually do — for the Bombers. Some were topical, some were punny, some were angry, and some were very, very specific. But only one was the clear winner. (OK, after the person who wrote, "Usually I respond to your calls for ideas, since I don't really have much better to do with my time. But I don't see how I or anyone else can top the brilliance of "Kim Field(s) at Yankee Stadium." He'll always be the winner in our hearts.)

· It could be nothing more than an ugly rumor, but word from the War of the Worlds European press tour is that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes were engaged in Rome last night. If this is actually true, stock up on water and batteries, 'cause nuclear holocaust can't be far behind. [Defamer]
· New York is America's 2nd dirtiest city after Chicago? We should be ashamed of ourselves! Get out there and pee on the sidewalk now, you lazy clean freaks. [Gothamist]
· Online rock snob paradise Pitchfork isn't completely heartless. They've actually given out a whopping 30 perfect reviews. [Whatevs]
· Big Brother is watching you. In 368 places in the Meatpacking District and Chelsea alone, to be exact. [Curbed]
· Yahoo! bucks the system and launches its subscription search feed, thus giving information-addicted paupers of the world access to info on sites with fees, such as the Wall Street Journal. And just like that, the Times Select feature loses its erection. [Yahoo]
· We're hearing about this new blog, which might just belong to a Star employee, which would be a nice compliment to this Star employee's blog. Is Bonnie not keeping you guys busy or something?

· Go ahead and admit it: You SO want to go to the 92nd Street Y to see VF contributing editor Christopher Hitchens speak about Thomas Jefferson, if only just to see if he's sober. [92Y]
· Even if you couldn't understand the first five words of James Joyce's Ulysses, you've at least heard of the book. So you're more than prepared to enjoy tonight's Bloomsday on Broadway XXIV, a musical interpretation of Joyce's 6,000-lb tome. Daily Showster Stephen Colbert stars. [flavorpill]
· Music fans just can't catch a break from Webster Hall. Iron & Wine plays a sold-out show there tonight, which means you can easily buy some tickets out front — probably off of some aging hipster who can't bear the thought of going inside. [Upcoming]

• To some, apparently, the five-second rule applies even on the subway. [Tien Mao's Little Read Book]
• One could argue it's redundant to grammar-cop a neighborhood that is itself grievously misdefined, but, still, all those extra apostrophes in Coney Island really are unforgivable. [Banterist]
• When Alex Balk sets out to test his hypothesis, we want to be his research assistants. [TMFTML]
• David Patrick Columbia goes to Buckingham Palace, where he becomes likely the first person ever to describe Prince Charles as "looking impeccable." [New York Social Diary]

Time Out New York is just shy of its tenth birthday. But the London mothership has been around for at least 35 years, and it's been putting out the Time Out guidebooks for a good chunk of that time. Our West Coast correspondent recently (and inexplicably) happened across a copy of Time Out's New York Guide from 1990. Some hi-larious highlights, from the section on neighborhoods:

With all of the attention that Scientology's been attracting from Tom Cruise's recent run-ins with the media, we'd assumed that the Kabbalah Centre had decided that Hollywood wasn't big enough for two money-gobbling inclusionary spiritual inspiration societies, packed up their Zohars, magic water, and candles that smell like God, and moved to Nebraska. But suddenly and inexplicably (does anyone really give a shit about Esther, Demi, and the Kootch anymore?), Kabbalah's so over that it might be coming back, with 20/20 and Radar magazine putting the screws to the Centre. (Didn't cutting-edge outlets like The New Republic and The NY Post go there, like, a year ago?)

Sightings are sent by readers with retinas of steel; send yours to tips@gawker.com.

· You know what Katie Couric needs? Some more bad publicity. Conveniently, it's starting to look like her NBC overlords may have paid for access to "Runaway Bride" Jennifer Wilbanks. [Page Six]
· You're not going to believe this, but the celebufriendly Kabbalah movement might be a tad corrupt. And next, they're going to tell us Scientology is a crock. [R&M]
· Paula Zahn and Roger Ailes exchange icy handshakes at Michael's and don't kill each other in the process. Maybe next time! [Lowdown]
· Lindsay Lohan, desperate for some "alone time" in the bathroom, brings her bodyguard into a men's room with her. Oh, that Lindsay — so carefree, so innocent. [Scoop (2nd item)]

Everyone this morning seems to love the proposed new Yankee Stadium. They think it's likely to really happen. And — because he's paying for it (well, its construction) himself — everyone seems to love George Steinbrenner, too. In the Times, Harvey Araton gives the Boss a wet sloppy one, but he also points out one detail that perked us up:

C'mon, Chase, you say our relationship is everything? Well, match this: HSBC bank and Paragon Sports have joined forces to create the marvelous HSBC BankCab (at right). Show them your HSBC bank or credit card, and you ride for free. It's thrifty, air-conditioned, and probably involves fewer rats than you're used to. There's only one catch to the BankCab — you must forget for a moment that you'd rather pay $25 to drive 10 blocks than be caught riding in one of these things.

Remember the new superstrain of AIDS that promised to make 2005 seem like 1985 for New York's gays? The one that was all over the press for a few days, and that prompted an hysterical New York magazine cover (on what was actually a skeptical article)? Yeah? Well, turns out it, um, sort of didn't exist. Here's the Post on this big whoops:

After the veritable boondoggle surrounding professional trollop Paris Hilton's too-hot-to-stomach television commercial for Carl's Jr., the fast food chain is injecting a little truth into their advertising.

And thank God for that.

The new Hollywood Momentum (think Cat Fancy for assistants, but with fewer cats and more aggrieved call-rollers) is hot off the e-presses. In this week's featured "Screamer" (a tale of woe from the assistant frontlines, an endlessly renewable resource), a former assistant signs his own pinkslip by failing in his appointed Koo Koo Roo rounds for an unnamed, veggie-fixated C-list actor:

· "Hipster glamour and highbrow esoterica" (the Voice's words, not ours) lit mag Open City presents an evening of readings and music with some dudes and some singers. Don't forget to bring your air of condescending disapproval. [flavorpill]
· It's your last chance to see the stuff no one else wanted to see in the first place: The Rejection Show has its season finale today. [Upcoming]
· Everyone's favorite lewdly literary event, the Happy Ending reading series, turns its attention to poetry tonight, as National Book Critics Circle Award Winner David Orr curates a reading by Paul Moldoon, James Richardson, and Susan Wheeler. [AmandaStern]

With the cornucopia of obviously legitimate, anonymously-proffered opportunities for struggling actors streaming through Craigslist on a daily basis, we're amazed that the local service industry hasn't been totally depleted of its workforce. Here's yet another chance for the subjugated thespian to throw off the chains of his apron-flair and take control of his destiny:

We usually try to keep friends away from our pervy little brother — God only knows what he might pull from his nightstand and casually suggest might be interesting to "experiment" with. This particular romp, however, seems reasonably wholesome. We'll leave the seduction to him:

• Turns out even corporate lawyers have as much contempt for summer associates as the rest of us do. Especially when said summer associates are drunkenly jumping into the Hudson. [Opinionistas]
• Where we grew up, we would have called it UPenn. But if Murray Hill works for you as the real-world manifestation of JDate, go for it. [Mariana Keyes]
• Thank God for blogs. How else would we know when Bill Murray spanks a fan? [The Brazilian Muse]
• A once-powerful bloc starting its descent into orgy of mutual recrimination: Scooterists. [Atlantic & Bond via Curbed]