· Agent Dance update: WMA's Hylda Queally still on her way to CAA. in a "major defection" Also, Jason Barrett bolts The Big Willy to start a production/management company. What's going on over there? Did they take away expense accounts and assistant-whipping benefits? [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· Sally Field looks to return to sitcoms with a project for ABC. The show would revolve around a middle aged woman who makes huge changes in her life, getting divorced and getting a job. She likes menopause, she really, really likes menopause! Sorry, had to get that out of the way. [THR]
· Glenn Close joins the cast of The Shield for season four. There was a time when it would've been considered career suicide for a big movie actress to take a part on a television show, especially one on basic cable. But these are different, confusing times, so it might actually be a good thing. [THR]
· Desperate Housewives, Lost, and Medical Investigation get full season pick-ups, withCSI:NY soon to follow. Tragically, Commando Nanny is aborted to the underpopulated limbo of stupid ideas that will never see the primetime airwaves. [THR]
· Friar's Club roastmaster Jeffrey Ross, who nobly accused Jay Mohr of blowing Tom Cruise to get a part, gets a
development/talent holding deal at Fox. Who says there's no justice in the world? [Variety, sub. req'd.]

· Sony Pictures and Original Films buy the rights to as-yet unreleased spy novel The Executioner's Game for a Jamie Foxx vehicle. Looks like Foxx is done taking a shot at an Oscar for a while. [THR]
· Last night's endless Yankees-Red Sox game does huge ratings numbers for Fox, crushing Monday Night Football. Fox programming executives are feverishly working to schedule 6 hour baseball games three times a week throughout the year. [THR]
· Aisha Tyler signs a talent deal with CBS, who now must figure out what to do with her. Otherwise, she'll just wind up in a cryogenic tomb in Les Moonves' office with the rest of his "collected talent." [THR]
· Disney hires publicists and lobbyists to protect embattled CEO Michael Eisner from further eroding his image by "saying things," "doing things," or "making decisions," and to combat the Weinsteins as they fight over Miramax's future. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· Revolutions Studios makes a pre-emptive bid for the screenplay All You Need Is Love, a love story set to Beatles songs. The filmmakers are already entering (probably futile, definitely expensive) negotiations to get re-recording rights to the songs. [THR]

Something very, very wrong is going down in Hollywood today. Read, and then visualize, at your own peril:

· Lisa Kudrow's Is or Isn't Entertainment gets two more years at Warner Bros TV. One day, all the Friends will be moguls! OK, maybe not David Schwimmer. [THR]
· 8-to-12-year-old girls abandon former idol Hilary Duff and her Fame knockoff Raise Your Voice, perplexing marketers. Maybe it's time to target a new demo, hire a Lindsay Lohan lookalike to jello-wrestle with Duff in a commercial, then watch their box office soar. [THR]
· Just Shoot Me creator Steve Levitan and tarnished NBC golden-boy Jeff Zucker kiss and make up, as NBC picks up Levitan's pilot about an "egocentric African-American football star." It's just so sweet when a blood-feud ends in a shower of hugs and contracts![Variety, sub req'd.]
· Kristin Davis is in negotiations to star opposite Tim Allen in the remake of The Shaggy Dog. We know we go through this every time a SATC gal makes good, but is she the slutty one or the gay one? [THR]
· New Line, the studio built on the backs of hard-working Hobbits, tries to stay atop the fantasy game by acquiring the rights to bestseller Jonathan Strange and Mr.Norrell. [Variety, sub. req'd.]

· Director Brett Ratner signs a two-year development deal with 20th Century Fox TV, bringing his hacky, music video-quality visual skillset to the small screen. It didn't seem possible, but Fox just got a whole lot louder! [THR]
· ABC adds Nash Bridges creator Carlton Cuse as an executive producer on their hit Lost. Say what? Don't they usually saddle a show with extraneous EPs when its tanking? ABC must have forgotten what to do when a show succeeds. They'll probably cancel it after they win their timeslot next week. [THR]
· From the circular show development file: X-files writer Frank Spotnitz is developing a Night Stalker remake for ABC, a show that was one of the main inspirations for the X-files. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· HBO gives a script commitment to Sopranos executive producers Mitchell Burgess and Robin Green for their half-hour comedy Powerball, which will follow the life of a lotto-winning family. At least Green is tempering her expectations, admitting, "The Sopranos is the funniest television show I've ever seen in my entire life. That would be an impossible act to follow."[Variety, sub. req'd.]
· Joel Schumacher will direct The Crowded Room, a movie about a man with 24 different personalities. God, we hope two of them are Batman and Robin! [Variety, sub. req'd.]

· Warner Bros. throws in some money to get DreamWorks' Ewan McGregor/Scarlett Johansson movie The Island off the ground. Hope they're kicking in a lot—director Michael Bay's nausea-inducing battalion of cameras and constant explosions can really fuck up a budget. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· NBC looks outside of LA for comedy development deals, vacuuming up NYC-based Upright Citizens Brigade, Demetri Martin, and "New Zealand folk parody duo" Flight of the Conchords. New Zealand what? Was the Naked Cowboy out washing his Speedo when NBC was tossing deals off the top of 30 Rockefeller? [THR]
· Arsenio Hall is apparently still alive, and signs a deal to direct/produce a documentary on the black stand-up scene tentatively titled The Other 23 Hours. [THR]
· Jonathan Prince, creator of American Dreams, will write and executive produce a Tara Reid comedy for Fox Broadcasting. The show will feature Reid as a bad girl trying to change her ways to please her parents and friends. And failing miserably, over and over again. (We suspect the show will be heavy on documentary footage from Reid's life to save costs.) Fox has their fingers crossed that she performs better than she did on Quintuplets this week! [THR]
· Tom Hanks' Playtone Productions tries to milk My Big Fat Greek Wedding one-hit-wonder Nia Vardalos again, as she'll write and star in the adaptation of the novel The Wilderness of Monkeys. [THR]

· Matt LeBlanc is already preparing for the day when he can't pretend to be severely retarded on sitcoms. He's close to selling a drama, The Prince, to the WB, which his company would produce. [THR]
· ABC wins this week's ratings war in the 18-49 demographic. NBC's Jeff Zucker, CBS's Les Moonves, and Fox's Gail Berman will spend the rest of the day randomly firing people and questioning the very nature of reality. [THR]
· News Corp. is planning a sports network to take on ESPN, but the decision is dependent on their negotiations with the NFL for broadcast rights. Don't they already have a sports network? Hello? Fox Sports Network? They have a building on Pico, filled with hundreds of people working on Fox sports network programming? Maybe this means they're all fired and should walk out today. That would be fun. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· Tony Scott's Keira Knightley bounty hunter flick Domino corners the market on creepy actors, signing up Christopher Walken and Mickey Rourke for its cast of thousands. [THR]
· More Fox going apeshit news: Rupert Murdoch promises to up Fox's production slate from 14 films a year to 20-25. Next year, look for the simultaneous releases of Garfield: The Movie II-X. [THR]

· Yes, we realize this is incredibly boring, but bear with us: International TV market free-for-all MIPCOM is off to a strong, busy start in Cannes with is a "more glamorous and ritzy atmosphere" than previous years. The trades have yet to report if Hollywood execs find the Euro to be a more pleasing a bathroom-tissue substitute than the old French currency, which really produced some undesirable chafing issues. [THR]
· Donald Trump is in negotiations with NBC for scripted drama set in the Trump Towers. It's official: The Donald has officially branded tiny NBC head Jeff Zucker "Trump's Bitch." [THR]
· Troy writer David Benioff will tend to Hugh Jackman's mutton chops in Fox's X-Men spin off, Wolverine. Now Fox needs to keep Jackman off Broadway (and Matt Damon's lap) before he loses all action-star credibility. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· In Bob Weinstein's most recent attempt to acquire the entire Asian film industry's output at pennies on the dollar, Dimension acquires rights to Korean horror film Ryeong (The Ghost). [THR]
· Head FCC snake-oil pitchman Michael Powell was interviewed at halftime of last night's Monday Night Football to sell digital TV to viewers. We hear you could hardly see Sony's hand up Powell's ass, making him tell consumers it's time to spend for an expensive, new TV. [THR]

Variety reports that John Woo has signed on to direct and produce a live-action adaptation of the He-Man cartoon. We don't want to ignite another Ang Lee controversy, but perhaps Woo's choice to take a shot at He-Man might be charitably attributed to a language barrier? Or maybe Fox pulled a bait-and-switch on Woo, dangling a prestige property from the 80's cartoon pantheon, like The Snorks, My Little Pony, or Monchichi, and then saddling him with a franchise that's already been tainted by Dolph Lundgren.

· Iconic, Psycho shower-stabbing victim Janet Leigh dies at age 77...peacefully, in her home. [THR]
· Tim Robbins and LOTR's Miranda Otto are in negotiations to join Tom Cruise in Stephen Spielberg's War of the Worlds remake. If deals are finalized, Robbins will play an astronomer and Otto will valiantly try to fend off Cruise's aggressively hetero on-set advances as she plays his wife. [THR]
· ABC's Desperate Housewives debuts to huge ratings. (Even we watched it—who knew our TV gets ABC?—and truth be told, if was kind of great.) With the network's early-season success, their programming executives may get a reprieve from their planned mass suicide during sweeps. [THR]
· I Heart Huckabees opens with a huge ($75,016) per-screen average—in NY and LA. The limited release of Woman, Thou Art Loosed cracks the top ten. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· Boozy lobster-liberator Edward Furlong signs on for the indie film Jimmy & Judy. Good to see crime hasn't slowed his career. [THR]

· Justin Timberlake and Emile Hirsch to star in Nick Cassavetes film Alpha Dog. Getting excited because your favorite pop star is acting again? Not so fast! Box office buzzkiller Sharon Stone is along for the ride. Yeah, Timberlake will probably still sleep with her. [THR]
· Unsurprising news of the Fall season: Joey gets a full season pick-up after three airings. NBC-Uni mogultini Jeff Zucker also threw in three years of piggy-back rides for Matt LeBlanc from his car to the set. [THR]
· Disney gives up on adult movie-goers, vows to stick to the family-friendly schlock they are known for from now on. And if that doesn't work, Michael Eisner is going to grab children by their ankles as they enter Disneyland and shake them until their souvenir money falls out. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· Paul Resier is probably not dead: Paul Reiser signs a two-year first—look deal with Paramount TV. [THR]
· The Chris Columbus-directed film version of Rent goes from Warner Bros to Revolution Studios. Two straight days with Chris Columbus news? It's like a really shitty Christmas! [Variety, sub. req'd.]

· SATC's Darren Star gets a script commitment from Fox for a half-hour behind the scenes restaurant series based on the book Kitchen Confidential. Let's hope the term "funky spunk" never comes into play. [THR]
· The relationship between Disney and partner Pixar is likely coming to a sad end. They've "outgrown" one another, according to Disney president Bob Iger. True, the relationship has evolved; Pixar's a money-printing machine and Disney really isn't interested in that kind of thing anymore. [THR]
· MGM puts new Bond on hold while they hunt around for a director. Also, they're probably busy combing all of Australia to find an actor to actually play James Bond and figuring out who to fire when they merge with Sony. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· Nothing can stop Chris Columbus, director-lite of annoying confections. He's made a deal with Warner Bros to develop and direct Slanted and Enchanted, a dramedy about a recovering pathological liar with magical elements. So...Liar, Liar meets Harry Potter? That sounds about right. [THR]
· Harvey and Bob Weinstein's Miramax and Dimension get into the CGI game, signing a deal with Wild Brain animation company. Evil, corpulent mogul Harvey just canned everyone he couldn't strang—-Hey! They're making an Opus movie! That's fucking awesome. All is forgiven. [Variety, sub. req'd.]

· The House passes the Piracy Deterrence and Education Act, which allows up to 6 years in prison for camcording a movie. Still, former MPAA chief Jack Valenti's probably a bit upset that the House passed on the provision that pirates are castrated and forced to eat their own testicles. [THR]
· Columbia self-consciously tries to cast nearly every quality actor in Hollywood to distract from the fact that they're unimaginatively remaking yet another classic movie, trying to add Meryl Streep to the All the King's Men super-cast. Also assisting the subterfuge are Sean Penn and Jude Law, with Kate Winslet, and Mark Ruffalo to potentially sign on. [THR]
· It's so cute when executive mouths write checks that their studios can't cash: Tom Freston promises less crap from Paramount Pictures. Good one, Tom! Why not just promise us Paramount will find Bin Laden? [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· Lion's Gate picks up the rights to A Love Song for Bobby Long. in which we think Scarlett Johansson's old-guy fetish is satisfied by—grab your stomach pills—John Travolta. God, we hope we're wrong on this one. [THR]
· Melissa Etheridge's "reversed Will and Grace with a kid" sitcom gets a script commitment at ABC. We don't have any idea what that means, but ABC seems to have bought it. Network TV really needs a few more nonthreatening gays who constantly make puns about how gay they are, so why not? [THR]

· Since the term "celebutante skank" has no analog outside of America, Paris Hilton is getting left behind. The Simple Life will be reborn in Belgian and French Canadian versions, featuring new, region-specific non-heiresses getting into wacky situations. [THR]
· Steve Zahn joins Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz in cast of Fox's comic western Bandidas. Finally, a follow-up to Three Amigos! But with hot chicks with impenetrable accents! [THR]
· Greedy Emmy-hoarder Mike Nichols and Julia Roberts are in talks to develop romantic comedy Seven Year Switch, about a woman who gets to see what she might have done different in her life upon reaching the seven-year mark in her relationship. Insert joke about the odds that a Julia Roberts marriage will last seven years. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· Fox orders a pilot presentation of The Barenaked Ladies Variety Show, a comedy/revue starring the annoying Canadian pop stars. Doesn't Fox know that we're supposed to dump our shit over the northern borders and not take any back? That's what a trade imbalance is all about. [THR]
· With each having an Oscar-baiting movie being released later this year, Annette Bening and Lenonardo DiCaprio will pretend to care that they're being honored at the upcoming Hollywood Film Festival. [THR]

· The DGA agrees on a new three year deal with the networks and studios, getting better health care, but losing out on issues of DVD residuals and reality TV jurisdiction. The WGA's strategy of sitting around and seeing what the directors could get has officially come back to bite them on their collective-bargaining asses. [Variety, sub. req'd]
· SAG shows the status-quo-loving WGA how it's done, using their elections to enact a change in leadership. [THR]
· The MGM and Sony deal is finally done, freeing us up to never think about it again. Well, at least until the layoffs start. [THR]

· Resident Evil's number one finish helps Milla Jovovich graduate from zombie killing to a (presumably) skinnier indie film paycheck, as she joins on for "domestic abuse with comic elements" film .45. What's a girl got to kill to get a raise and a romantic comedy? [THR]
· Thought dodgeball was the only semi-sport that deserved the over-the-top comedy treatment? Think again, as New Line picks up the ping-pong themed script Balls of Fury from erstwhile The State members Tom Lennon and Ben Garant. We are strangley enthused. [THR]
· Steve Martin and producing partner Joan Stein team up with the creators of the great-in-concept-only-ok-in-reality off-Broadway show Matt and Ben to develop a half hour comedy for the WB. The M and B girls are going to milk Good Will Hunting just as hard as Affleck and Damon did, God bless their hearts. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· Ashton Kutcher and Jason Goldberg, the brilliant minds behind Punk'd, get a six episode order from the WB for a "top-secret makeover/dating" series. Hopefully it will involve the torture of celebrities, because otherwise we're not even a little bit interested. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· Viacom co-president Tom Freston tries to put a non-Moonves stamp on Paramount, signing up Interscope bigwig Jimmy Iovine and Eminem's manager to first-look feature deal. We hope that Big Les is down with hip-hop, or things could get ugly. [Variety, sub. req'd.]

Today's LAT article on the struggles of little people in Hollywood to change the public's image and gain mainstream acting roles effectively (and probably inadvertantly) advances their cause—by illustrating that actors of small stature can act just as crazy in the pursuit of a part as your run-of-the-mill, full-size Cheesecake Factory waiter with a 1982 Datsun full of headshots. Little person actor Eugene Pidgeon has tried to write himself into Gilmore Girls and is finally receiving the "equal treatment" he craves.

A reader passes on a casting breakdown for extras in last Wednesday's Britney Spears video shoot—you know, the one that may or may not have confused people into thinking that she was actually planning a secret wedding ceremony. There's probably some kind of a plan at work here, but at first glance it looks like casting by Mad Libs. "OK, let's have a [Number between 1-100] year old [Ethnicity] man that can [Name of Activity]. Then the [Ethnicity] man suffers a heart attack when Britney [Verb for Sexual Act] the [Ethnicity] in front of [Name of Skeezy Dancer Fiancé]." Casting breakdown after the jump.

Our newly-appointed Correspondent On Former SNL Star Mind-Control Rays files this dispatch on the casting of the upcoming Will Ferrell/Nicole Kidman update of Bewitched. According to our correspondent, Ferrell is using his newfound box-office clout to populate the movie with his friends and former co-stars [all-caps theirs]:

According to THR, Al Pacino is in talks to star alongside (really, in this case shouldn't it be "star in a movie that also features") Matthew McConaughey in Two for the Money. McConaughey will read the words in the script indicating that he's a former college football star who falls into the sports gambling business. And Pacino (say it with us now, Hoo-ah!) will play the shady mentor figure who "runs one of the best sports-booking operations in the country." You may know Pacino from his role as a shady mentor figure in, well, everything he's done since The Godfather. Repeat Hoo-ahs as necessary.