· Al Pacino is looking to star in MGM's remake of Witness for the Prosecution, the 1957 Billy Wilder courtroom drama. Good move—these lawyerin' flicks inevitably provide ample opportunity for overblown scene-chewing, a Pacino speciality since Scent of a Woman. [THR]
· A day after Les Moonves crowed about CBS' sweeps victory, former NBC golden-boy Jeff Zucker dejectedly appraises his network's sweeps performance as "good but not great." NBC then announced the midseason series (like the much-delayed boxing flop-to-be The Contender) it will dump into its schedule. Please, someone confiscate Zucker's shoelaces before any of the new shows premiere. [THR]
· Hell-bent on more efficiently liquefying the brains of its young audience, The WB picks up a script based on Plum Sykes's novel, Bergdorf Blondesto develop into an hour-long drama series. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· The Broder-Webb-Chervin-Silbermann agency finally discovers "reality television" and starts a department to rep creatives in this exciting new genre. They're still researching the financial feasibility of starting a "talkies" department. [THR]

· THR chooses slow-retiring Paramount head Sherry Lansing as the winner of the first Sherry Lansing Leadership Award. They'll soon announce plans to change the name of their publication to Sherry!, with Lansing appearing on the cover each month in a new, sassy-yet-sensible outfit. [THR]
· Les Moonves declares CBS' November ratings victory a "watershed moment" And you laugh when we tell you he's going to conquer the planet in a bloody invasion? It begins... [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· SAG/AFTRA contract talks with producers will begin Monday. By Wednesday, we expect to find SAG negotiators curled up in the fetal position, murmuring about how they really didn't want a better deal anyway. [THR]
· So much for those crazy 20th/FBC swap rumors: Gary Newman and Dana Walden sign new contract to stay on as presidents of TCFTV. Well, maybe we shouldn't quite put the rumors to bed...they're all still in Murdoch's stable. [THR]
· Now that they've got Tom Hanks on board, Columbia announces that The Da Vinci Code will hit theaters on May 19th, 2006. Mark your calendars, when you buy them at the end of next year. [THR]

· Sundance director Geoffrey Gilmore complains about an entertainment industry first: They have too much quality in this year's festival! They may be forced to burn several "must see" entries for warmth on the streets of Park City or go insane from their embarrassment of cinematic riches. [THR]
· Matt Damon, determined to typecast himself as Hollywood's greatest superspy, eyes the lead role vacated by Leonardo DiCaprio in the Robert DeNiro directed The Good Shepherd. [THR]
· Harold Ramis and Owen Wilson team up to write and produce an untitled "historical comedy" for Sony. We knew there was still room for another reworking of the Alexander story. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· Pamela Anderson is attached to star in a Steve Levitan pilot about a woman with a weakness for bad boys. Also, she has huge, fake tits and is battling hepatitis-C. At least Levitan seems to know what he's doing: "[P]eople sense that deep down, beneath the sexy image, there is a grounded and likable person who they occasionally get to see naked." [Variety]
· Kinsey and Sideways grab nominations for IFP Independent Spirit Awards, which everyone will forget about when they're nominated for Oscars. [Variety]

· NBC president Kevin Reilly tears up with Nielsen nostalgia watching the network's Seinfeld special and realizes just how shitty sitcoms have become. He then vows to find out the "rules" so that he can break them...by setting future shitty sitcoms in wacky places like retirement communities and trailer parks. We can't wait to enter this brave new world filled with endless laughter and originality. [THR]
· Surrender now before Desperate Housewives decides dominating the ratings isn't enough and sends Teri Hatcher to eat the nation's first born. [THR]
· Murdoch underboss Peter Chernin's sweetheart contract allows him to bolt Fox for Disney should the opportunity arise. Other provisions in the contract give Chernin truckloads of cash and stock options in severance, grant him a six-year production deal, and compels Lachlan Murdoch to serve as his butler for "as long as he's needed." [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· NBC promotes Mitch Metcalf to VP of programming planning and scheduling, where he will quickly be devoured trying to solve the Must See TV problem. Sadly, the only solution is begging Les Moonves for a job. [Variety]
· Mandalay Entertainment options the film rights to the as-yet-unpublished chick-litty how-to guide The Hookup Handbook: A Single Girl's Guide to Living it Up. We often facetiously use this space to pray to God to quickly and painlessly end our lives, but this time we're serious. We can only hope the afterlife has no books with neon covers and tips on "how to get him to call you back the next day." [THR]

· Viacom agrees to a $3.5 million buggering over outstanding indecency fines, which doesn't include the world of pain the FCC has yet to rain down over the Janet Jackson incident. To show his gratitude for the "settlement," Viacom co-president/future galactic emperor Les Moonves plans on leaving a severed breast left in FCC chairman Michael Powell's bed. And that's just for starters. [THR]
· The MPAA upholds the NC-17 rating on Pedro Almodovar's Bad Education because "they're just not into the gay sex thing." [THR]
· Robert Downey Jr. joins Tim Allen in the Shaggy Dog remake. We'll all understand if Downey falls off the wagon to get through this one. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· Universal writes the names of all of its 2005 films on little pieces of paper, throws them up in the air, then reschedules their release dates according to where they land on a calendar on the floor. [Variety]
· Former Academy member Carmine Caridi fined $600K for pirating movie screeners. In addition to the severe financial penalty, the judge left open the possibility that MPAA pirate-hunter-at-large Jack Valenti can beat the bottom of Caridi's feet with bamboo sticks until he calls Valenti his "copyright daddy." [Variety]

· News hotter than a narcoleptic possum that fell asleep inside a wood-burning stove: Dan Rather will "step down" as CBS' chief anchor in March. He'll take his mildly brain-damaged, countrified sayings to a full-time correspondent gig with the network. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· Desperate to plug the hole left by the end of Sex and the City, HBO gives SATC's Michael Patrick King's Lisa Kudrow vehicle Comeback a quick 13 episode order. HBO usually knows what it's doing, but does the phrase "Lisa Kudrow vehicle" scare you as much as it does us? It's not quite "David Schwimmer directs," but still. [THR]
· Hollywood's most beloved showrunners, Will & Grace's David Kohan and Max Mutchnick, are close to getting their pilot Kings of New York set up at NBC—the same network they're fighting in court. Will the lawsuits mysteriously disappear following a pick-up? Will the show suck as much as Good Morning, Miami? Only time will tell. [THR]
· The recent tidal wave of useless swag pouring forth from Hollywood's promotion departments indicates that the industry is back to its classic, money-burning ways. [Variety]
· Congress OKs the creation of a copyright enforcement czar, establishing a Supreme Pirate Hunter at the federal level. Arrrrrrr and whatnot. [THR]

· Dr. Phil extends his contract for three more years, allowing him to continue making the hard work of ruining America's families look effortless. [THR]
· Halle Berry is cast in Revolution Studios' psychological thriller At Least It's Not Fucking Catwoman Perfect Stranger. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· CBS thinks they're protecting themselves from another incident by choosing Paul McCartney as this year's Super Bowl halftime entertainment, but we predict Super Sunday will be marred by Sir Paul "accidentally" showing us his Prince Albert in the middle of a Wings medley. [THR]
· Desperate Housewives shrugs off all the horrifying, damaging Monday Night Football publicity and continues to dominate the ratings. [Variety]
· Punk'd/Without a Paddle megastar Dax Shepard condescends to star with has-been Dustin Hoffman in Car Wars for Warner Bros. [THR]

· Hollywood's remake fever has jumped to a higher plane of pointlessness: Sam Raimi looks to remake his own well-loved, perfectly good (and not that old) movie, Evil Dead, with a new director. Why, Raimi, why? Has all of that Spider-Man cash finally driven you insane? [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· Bryan Singer and Vin Diesel get together...for a new video game franchise, Secret Service. Get your mind out of the gutter before someone from a red state starts reading your e-mail! [THR]
· Ali G creator/troublemaker Sacha Baron Cohen looks to play British comic book detective/degenerate aristocrat Charlie Mortdecai for Warner Bros. Interesting...but this in no way gets him off the hook for Borat: The Motion Picture. [THR]
· · Broadway out of ideas: Nathan Lane and Matthew Broderick to continue their evil domination of all things theater in a revival of The Odd Couple. [Variety]
· Jessica Simpson will star in chick-lit adaptation Room Service. Thank God someone is finally ready to really let her talent breath on a movie screen. [Variety]

· ABC will develop erstwhile feature script The Flyover States as a red-America drama series. They're showing admirable restraint in not retitling the project The People Who Ruined Our Lives Because Gays Kissing Is A Sin to pander to viewers on the coasts. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· ABC (again!) gives the Jennifer Love Hewitt comedy project a six episode midseason order. For our thoughts on this unfortunate shitergistic exercise, go here. Then close your eyes and say, "How bad could it be if they dub Hewitt's lines into Pig Latin and make her wear tight shirts?" Well, we'll probably get the tight shirt part without too much of a fight. [THR]
· Catherine Zeta-Jones and Ocean's 12 producer Jerry Weintraub are teaming up again for The Ivy Chronicles. Adapted from the book of the same name, the film would star Zeta-Jones as a Wall Street woman who starts a kindergarten referral service. And the world will team up again with a DVD of Mask of Zorro. [THR]
· ABC publicists obviously worked serious overtime yesterday: ABC submits ratings world-beater Desperate Housewives in the comedy category at the Golden Globes. Good idea to stay clear of those HBO shows. [Variety]
· Michael Goldenberg will adapt the fifth Harry Potter book, as Steve Kloves has opted to work on another Warner Bros. project, adapting The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time by Mark Haddon. Please, be gentle: That book doesn't deserve to be fucked up by some executive who has "ideas" about talking dogs. [THR]

· Disney plans Toy Story 3 without Pixar. That's right, Steve Jobs, Eisner doesn't need you and your hit-making studio, so feel free to sign up with a rival and make huge piles of cash. Just like that Katzenberg fellow.
[THR]
· Rodney and Complete Savages get "back 9" episode orders. Cursory research indicates that these are sitcoms on ABC, and that under no circumstances would we watch either of them. [THR]
· Cinematic Dream Team warning, please shield your eyes before reading on: Spike Lee and Keanu Reeves get together for disillusioned cop drama The Night Watchman. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· With negotiations with producers looming, SAG distracts itself with a bunch of internal legal stuff with lawyers and whatnot. Humph. Actors! What are ya gonna do with 'em? [Variety]
· Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason finishes first at the overseas box office, proving that the world's appetite for skinny Americans pretending to be fat Brits cannot possibly be sated. [THR]

· NBC gains the upper hand in the network fight to exploit 9/11 in a miniseries, gets close to signing Brian Grazer and Ron Howard to executive produce the project. Look for the same kind of sophisticated treatment they brought to A Beautiful Mind, with the hijackers debating their evil mission with imaginary friends. [THR]
· Former ABC president Susan Lyne will take over Martha Stewart Omnimedia. She's charged with the task of trying to smuggle cameras and kitchen utensils in a variety of delicious cakes into jail to keep their brand viable. [THR]
· Schlockhouse Revolution Studios trips over a Philip K. Dick anthology on the way to the bathroom, then signs up Nicholas Cage to star in Next, an adaptation of the Dick story The Golden Man. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· Craig Kilborn's big post-Late Late Show splash is in...The Shaggy Dog remake? Kilborn will play Tim Allen's (the dog/man) incredibly, inevitably smarmy neighbor. [THR]
· Apparently, people won't just watch just any shitty reality show, as My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss, The Rebel Billionaire, and The $25 Million Hoax all flopped this week. [Variety]

· Kevin Spacey's is so firmly in the thrall of Bobby Darin after making Beyond the Sea that he's performing Darin's music at the Wiltern with an orchestra. Obviously, Spacey wanted to give THR another opportunity to run that picture of him getting friendly with a microphone. [THR]
· Brett Ratner signs on to direct and executive produce the Fox drama pilot Prison Break. He's wasting himself on television. We firmly believe that Ratner's hacky gifts need to be writ large on a silver-screen canvas to be truly appreciated. [THR]

· Martin "Goldeneye" Campbell is in negotiations to direct the next Bond movie and—no pressure—save the franchise. But first MGM has to find a new Bond. We say truss up Connery and run him out there one more time. [THR]
· Meanwhile, Pierce Brosnan has moved on from dapper spy typecasting to dapper thief typecasting, preparing to do The Topkapi Affair, a sequel to The Thomas Crown Affair. [Variety, sub. req'd.]

· Fox, CBS, and DirecTV hold on to the NFL for the insignificant sum of about $8 billion. In related news: Still no team in L.A., though the homeless guy down the street is fond of wearing an old Rams helmet. [THR]
· Carole Black will resign her post as president and CEO of Lifetime Entertainment in March. We can only imagine the personal toll wrought by nearly six years of anorexia, breast cancer, and Valerie Bertinelli movies. [THR]
· Clubhouse strikes outs, is sent to the showers, is indicted in the BALCO case, or any other baseball-related metaphor that indicates it's not on television anymore. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· Reese Witherspoon's Type A Productions is developing Janet Evanovich's bounty hunter mystery novel One for the Money for Columbia. We hope the book's about an adorably feisty bounty hunter, because Witherspoon's really got the adorably feisty thing down. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· Were you hoping that the Golden Globes would end in a showdown of True Believers? The Hollywood Foreign Press has already stymied any hopes for a Fahrenheit 9/11 vs. The Passion of the Christ throw-down. Documentaries aren't eligible for any awards, while movies about Jesus getting his ass kicked for two hours are eligible—but only if they're in English. Maybe Moore and Gibson will get drunk and wrestle instead. [THR]

· Howard Keel, movie musical song-and-dance man and Dallas star, dies at age 85. If Jamie Foxx really wants an Oscar, maybe he should option the rights. [THR]
· George Clooney will star in and direct the Edward R. Murrow/Joe McCarthy showdown pic Goodnight. And Good Luck for his and Steven Soderbergh's Section 8 production company. Clooney also co-wrote the script and plans to be very hands-on at the craft service table when production begins. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· Desperate Housewives keeps on bringing in larger ratings numbers; we suspect this streak is fueled by a weekly human sacrifice at Disney headquarters. Fox's beloved Arrested Development does just O.K., preventing everyone involved from getting too comfortable in their offices. [THR]
· Author Gabriel Garcia Marquez finally caves in after years of resisting movie offers, as New Line purchases rights to Love in the Time of Cholera. At least they didn't wait for him to die and buy off his relatives. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· HBO and Alan Ball confirm that the upcoming 12-episode fifth season of Six Feet Under will be the last. Unless HBO throws a shitload of money at everyone to squeeze out one more season. Or spins off Nate. [THR]

· Proving the industry maxim that no number one film can go unsequelized, The Grudge 2 will become a reality. They've sign up the first pic's writer, Stephen Susco, to revisit the remake. [THR]
· Leonardo DiCaprio will produce/star in a thriller about mercenaries hired by governements to fight their wars. We imagine his preparation for the role will fall short of a quickie tour-of-duty "in the shit" of Falluja. Some people have no dedication to craft. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· CBS does the utterly expected and picks up CSI: NY for 10 more episodes; Les Moonves seriously considers drafting Jerry Bruckheimer as his right-hand man in his plot to conquer the world. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· Director Steven Soderbergh leads the charge against the excessive, ear-splitting decibels of movie theaters' "pre-show entertainment." They'd probably make more headway against in-theater noise pollution if they merely forced Michael Bay to retire. [THR]
· CBS dominates the Nielsens in the first night of November sweeps; The OC manages a decent opening despite Mischa Barton's ridiculous attempts to convey her character's inner struggle by shrieking like a wounded turkey. [THR]

· An NBC reality show/televised deathmatch will pit comedians against one another for a spot on SNL, with Lorne Michaels as the Trumpian arbiter. We're sure that the always-friendly, sharing SNL players will welcome their new, no-dues-paying colleague with open arms. [THR]
· ABC pairs up with Elton John for a single-camera, aging rock star sitcom. It looks like Sir Elton's legendary shopping habits have finally drained his bank account down to the very bottom. And hasn't anyone told ABC that divorcees are the new sitcom gays? Someone call Bette Midler, this one sounds like it could be a disaster all around. OK, we're done now with our disjointed, disbelieving critiques. [Variety, , sub. req'd.]
· The Sopranos' Jamie Lynn Discala prepares for her post-Meadow career by signing up with UPN for a series based on the website Vivianlives.com. With another Sopranos season left, it might be a little early to panic by trolling the internet for job possibilities. [THR]
· NBC and Fox News won the election night ratings wars (broadcast and cable, respectively, obvs), probably because they both called Ohio early and let half the country go to bed before 3 a.m. [THR]

· Just in time for the election, DreamWorks buys the pitch Motorcade, about an assault on a president's um, motorcade on a visit to L.A. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· It's official: divorcees are the new, bickering sitcom gays: CBS backs another divorce sitcom, this one from Will & Grace writer Kari Lizer. [THR]
· ABC orders a full season of Wife Swap, which they call "the unsung hero" their fall schedule. Destroying the remnants of the nuclear family and damaging children on national television has rarely been so heroic! [Variety,
sub. req'd.]
· Not even Halloween can stop the Desperate Housewives Nielsen juggernaut, as the show pulls its best ratings to date. Who knows how many children were lost because their parents let them trick-or-treat unchaperoned while they watched ABC mock their suburban existence? [THR]
· Paramount continues its noble resistance to original ideas, signing Gerard Depardieu to join Queen Latifah and LL Cool J (say what?) in the recycled British comedy The Last Holiday. [THR]

· It's official: Rupert Murdoch is packing up his multimedia conglomerate in little cardboard boxes and moving its headquarters to Delaware. You know, the Biggest Little Corporation-Friendly State in the Union, where the Hollywood Trial of the Century is taking place? [THR]
· Miramax tag sale! As they come under increased Disney scrutiny, the Weinsteins are looking to drag their titles onto the sidewalk in TriBeca and make some quick dough. We're totally going to pick up a broken toaster and Prozac Nation for pocket change! [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· The O.C. princess Mischa Barton is in final talks to join the cast of indie feature The OH in Ohio. (Nope, that title is not a joke!) The film stars Parker Posey as a woman who has never had an orgasm. You'd think that with all of her yoga training she'd be a little more in touch with her body. [THR]
· Stephen J. Cannell, legendary producer of The A-Team and The Rockford Files, waits for the go ahead on his TNT series, The Dark. We only mention this because we love the part at the end of all of his shows where, in the thrall of his overwhelming creative energies, he tears a script page from his typewriter and tosses the fresh batch of dramatic gold into the air. [THR]

· Greg Kinnear signs on for Paramount's remake of The Bad News Bears. Maybe we're guilty of drinking the Billy Bob Thornton Kool Aid, but we're allowing ourselves to get excited about this one and pretending that Paramount's not going to find a way to fuck it up. We know, we know...they'll pull it out at the last second and release it the Friday before the Super Bowl. [THR]
· Fox gets the best Game 2 World Series ratings in a decade, slowly phases out plans to kidnap the Cardinals and have the Red Sox play a team of teenage leukemia patients to pump up the drama. [THR]
· Indie film producers rejoice as Bush signs a bill giving tax breaks to movies made in the US, momentarily forgetting that they hate the President and his administration.OK, now they're back to hating him again. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· Buffy creator/fanboy Messiah Joss Whedon pulls out of his deal with 20th Century Fox TV because he has "run out of series ideas" and saying "I'm not interested in taking money that I don't earn." Did no one explain to him that the whole purpose of an overall deal is to collect paychecks from the studio while pretending to be thinking up new series ideas? The whole system is coming apart at the seams! What's next, agents acknowledging they're parasites and drowning themselves en masse in the Pacific? [Variety, sub. req'd.]