It's been a couple of months since we've received any reports about Brett Ratner's reckless abuse of the city's handicapped parking spaces, but a reader's (admittedly unverifiable) sighting has tipped us off to more of the director's automotive shenanigans. Beware, women of Beverly Hills, for you're not even safe from this Bentley-borne menace while encased in your steel cocoon:

· Given that Imagine Entertainment has signed fauxteur Brett Ratner to direct a heist flick/buddy comedy with Eddie Murphy and Chris Rock, thus insuring that his extra-Rush Hour box office losing streak will be snapped, we are forced to conclude that Ratner has very, very incriminating photographs of Imagine's Ron Howard and Brian Grazer sexually humiliating prisoners at Guantanamo (i.e. hosting a screening of A Beautiful Mind), or some high-def video of the duo poisoning the water supply of half the San Fernando Valley. These are the only possible explanations for his hire. We're still trying to figure out what blackmail material Ratner found to land the X3 gig. [Variety]
· Bryan Singer screens Superman Returns footage at Comic-Con, hundreds of pairs of blue-and-red Underoos sufficiently creamed. [THR]
· Var calls Comic-Con a "big fat geek wedding." [Variety]
· Entourage gets a third season pick-up, and HBO head Chris Albrecht plans to hire more writers to squeeze out more than thirteen episodes a season. [THR]
· Former Fox TV head Gail Berman and OC creator Josh Schwartz reunite at The New Paramount, where Schwartz will attempt to channel his bankable facsimile of high school angst writing and directing a feature adaptation of the book Looking for Alaska. [Variety]

"Excitable" Marvel CEO Avi Arad is apoplectic over the beating his new X3 director, celebrated fauxteur and bon vivant Brett Ratner, is taking on the internets before a single frame of the latest installment of his certain-to-be-ruined franchise (There we go again! Bad internets!) has been viewed. Like a big brother enlisted to stop the unchecked flow of milk money into a bully's pockets, Arad defends the director on Zap2it.com:

Our glossy cronies over at Gawker have pointed out the Yahoo Personals ad of an enterprising young man who's trying to get laid in NY by borrowing the instantly recognizable face of Hollywood's favorite fauxteur, Brett Ratner. Lest anyone think the director's e-trolling for companionship, the ad doesn't even make token stabs at Ratner-verisimilitude. (6'2"? Athletic body? 28 years old? Only looking for white chicks?)

Please indulge this brief, unhinged thought: Maybe hacktastic director Brett Ratner isn't going to ruin the new X-Men movie. From Page Six:

The official Brett Ratner X-Men Franchise DestructionWatch begins in earnest with this MTV.com interview, in which the director attempts to convince the public that he was the right choice to helm 'X3' by promising more laughs, speaking in the third person, and perhaps most reassuringly, demonstrating that any ego-dissociative disorders he's suffering from do not include delusions that he's actually Joe Schumacher:

In a very special Monday afternoon edition of Hollywood PrivacyWatch, a reader salvages an otherwise routine meal at the Ivy with a pair of sightings (really, why else leave the house to eat?), starring two of the entertainment industry's most electrifying personalities:

Now that director Matthew "Is my career over before it really began?" Vaughn has vacated the X3 director's chair, AICN's "Drew McWeeney" Moriarity reports that Fox might be dropping a distressingly hacky bomb in the very near future:

Yesterday, we posted a report about the suspect parking habits of our favorite fauxteur, Brett Ratner, who seems to think that his lack of a natural-born facility with a camera constitutes a "handicap." Shortly thereafter, another report highlighting Ratner's questionable parking ethics promptly rolled in:

Another piece of Brett Ratner's weekend, which was capped when he helped consecrate a nightclub in the new Wynn hotel in Vegas by grinding his private parts against an attractive woman as photographers snapped away, falls into place as a reader reports on the fauxteur's Friday whereabouts:

Thanks to a ubiquitous ad campaign, everyone knows the maxim "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas." Less well-known is its corollary, "If you allow Brett Ratner to dry-hump you at the opening of a Vegas club, the world will know."

Chris Tucker got popped in Georgia for running his Bentley at a breezy 109 mph, then refusing to pull over immediately when the cops displayed their displeasure with his velocity. Unfortunately, Tucker did only a half-hour of hard time before posting his own bail, long before Rush Hour buddy Brett Ratner could fly in and stage a pointlessly elaborate jail break from the sleepy McDuffie county pokey. Even so, tenacious fauxteur Ratner plans on traveling to the jail, enjoining the local force in a high-speed chase on some dusty Georgia back-roads, then
inducing a handful of squad cars to somersault through the air and needlessly explode.

After a frantic fifteen minutes of trying to pry the "lens cap" from his digital camera, acclaimed director Brett Ratner proceeded to snap hundreds of pictures of a befuddled wire service photographer from scores of oddly-chosen angles. Satisfied that his vision had finally been captured, Ratner then attempted to devour the camera, explaining to concerned charity ball guests that this strange ritual has been part of his process since Red Dragon.

Yesterday, we offered up the inaugural edition of what we hoped would become a running feature, the Fauxteur Fashion Minute, in which readers spot Hollywood's hottest, hackiest directors in the wild and hold forth on their sartorial sense. We joked that a Brett Ratner installment would be forthcoming, but were reduced to tears of joy when, mere minutes later, our prayers were answered.

Before you start pawning all of your possession to rent a Hollywood-endorsed "dip n' dunk" photo booth, consider that Sunday's NYT piece contains numerous indications that the trend is already colder than a Republican in Carrie Fisher's guest room:

When we posted the casting call for Brett Ratner's video shoot for Mariah Carey yesterday, we didn't expect that anyone would attempt to apply through Defamer. But, of course, someone did enlist us to help them make their connection with the type of fame that only a frame or two in a Ratner-directed video can provide:

A once-in-a-lifetime opportunity has presented itself, as curiously hacky director Brett Ratner takes a short break from his blockbuster feature career to once again ply his trade on the small screen. You, the SAG-card- wielding Hollywood hopeful, can work with a visionary in the medium that most fully exploits his cinematic gifts—that is, if your headshot passes the grueling "Ratner test":

· Not content to merely sit through the Super Sanitized Bowl, TVGasm recaps the proceedings in painstaking detail. Masochists.
· "If Michael Bay is a Ferrari, and McG is a Ford Mustang, Brett Ratner is a broken down Pinto with flat tires." So sayeth the IMDb message board for one Brett Ratner, although they're being incredibly generous to Bay and McG. We guess the analogy would've fallen apart if they used three Pintos.
· Hold on a minute...when did Half Pint get so gosh darn juggsy? And we don't care what anyone says, we studied the photo for hours and can't detect any kind of nipple slip. [via ToGawp/Fleshbot]
· Slate rates the Super Bowl ads. For the record, our favorite was the one where Burt Reynolds got racked by a guy in a cheap bear suit. Why stop with the balls, Smokey? Go for the kill next time.

This, my friends, is what we call a teaser:

Defamer is committed to bringing together Hollywood's hackiest directors and the people that once educated them. Yesterday, we received this plea and promised to do everything in our power to reconnect teacher and student.