• With his second seed born just weeks ago, Kevin Federline takes to Vegas for a weekend of binge-drinking, banquette-dancing, and trying to forget that he actually married to Britney Spears. [Page Six]
• Democratic congressional candidate Kirsten Gillibrand enlists Oscar-winner David Strathairn to act like Ed Murrow in her campaign video. Fantasy politics are the next big thing. [R&M]
• Star Jones and Al Reynolds finally get the hint and leave Manhattan, opting for Speedo-friendly Miami. Al just loves South Beach. [Page Six]
• Larry Birkhead, the photographer who claims to be the father of Anna Nicole Smith's child, files a paternity suit after Smith's pseudo-husband/lawyer Howard K. Stern tells Larry King that he's the father. We know the woman has money, but why is everyone so eager to get credit for fucking her? Seriously, it's no grand achievement. [TMZ]
• Mark Foley just doesn't understand why a bunch of naked kids would be in a hot tub and not think to invite him. [Lowdown]

You have to hand it to Anna Nicole Smith: despite the sudden, tragic death of her son Daniel just days after the birth of her baby girl, she seems to have made quite the comeback. Financially speaking, that is. Immediately following Daniel's death, she had Getty Images broker the final photos of her son and daughter, taken hours before his death, which were eventually sold to In Touch for a nice $375K or so. But that's not enough to assuage this woman's suffering! So last week, when she had her emotional, fake wedding to her lawyer Howard K. Stern (who also claims to be the father of her new child), she had someone whip out the PowerShot and take a whole new round of snaps. And wouldn't you know it, Getty Images came to the celebrity weeklies with 30 images, ready to broker an offer. The lucky winner? People, who is said to have forked over $1 million for the not-wedding wedding photos in a classy little bidding war (Radar confirms the sale).

In an update to yesterday's feel-good announcement that Anna Nicole Smith had married her lawyer/babydaddy/ dead-son's-photo-broker Howard K. Stern aboard the S.S. Trainwreck, the AP is now reporting that the marriage off the coast of Nassau wasn't official, but merely a commitment ceremony between two sedated soulmates:

On Star's website:

While we're rusty on the various stages of grieving—we know denial and anger are in there somewhere—we're almost certain that "quickie marriage aboard a party boat just a few miles from where your 20-year-old son died weeks before" is not among them. And yet, that appears to be exactly how Anna Nicole Smith is processing yesterday's toxicology report findings that Daniel Smith died of a drug overdose: by marrying Howard K. Stern, the lawyer/daddy figure/creepy lurking presence in her life who just days ago told Larry King he fathered her baby. Star magazine has the exclusive:

Engage babydaddy territorial security measures! Degree absolute! Star reports with sirens and klaxons that recently blessed/bereaved mother Anna Nicole Smith has married her longtime attorney and "confidante" Howard K. Stern. Assuming this isn't entirely bullshit, Smith and Stern made it official on a catamaran sailing around in waters off Nassau — the same Bahamian paradise where Smith's son, Daniel, died of a drug overdose less than three weeks ago. According to Star, the catamaran was escorted by a flotilla of speedboats who kept the couple well supplied with "unlimited Dom Perignon." Guess that $600,000 isn't going to spend itself.

The autopsy reports on Anna Nicole Smith's son Daniel are finally being revealed (recap: two days after Anna Nicole gave birth to a baby girl, Daniel was found mysteriously dead in the hospital room); Daniel died from an unintentionally fatal combination (is there any other kind?) of Lexapro, Zoloft and methadone. Lexapro and Zoloft are prescribed for depression and anxiety disorders, while methadone is the pain reliever of choice for junkies near and far. There's been no mention or suggestion that Daniel had a drug problem, but there's not been any sort of denial, either. At any rate, the combination proved lethal; pathologist Cyril Wecht gives a sensitive explanation:

In a world exclusive that must have led to plenty of hushed, solemn high-fiving and low-key fist-pumping around the People magazine editorial offices, the celebrity weekly is claiming dibs on the results of the toxicology report from a private autopsy performed on Anna Nicole Smith's son. The results indicated the boy had a fatal cocktail of methadone and anti-depressants coursing through his veins:

Lingering Anna Nicole Smith confidante/protector /hourly-legal-fee-charger Howard K. Stern was interviewed by Larry King last night, during which the veteran broadcaster launched some confusingly worded softballs related to Smith's son's sudden death. (eg: "KING: You know, a lot of parents go through a lot of things when a child dies, including guilt. Is she feeling any of that this was my fault?"). Several new pieces of the puzzle emerged, most notable among them that Stern is claiming to be the father of Smith's baby daughter:

Last night on Larry King, ol' shoulder blades interviewed Howard K. Stern, Anna Nicole Smith's omnipresent friend and lawyer. Stern was present at the birth of Anna Nicole's daughter and, just two days later, the death of her son, Daniel. Cue overdramatic introduction:

• In a LAPD investigation into the robbery of Girls Gone Wild creator Joe Francis, his pal Paris Hilton tells an officer, "Like I really...I don't remember. I'm not like that smart." But at least you're smart enough to know it, honey! [Page Six]
• Consider this the start of our unofficial campaign against Jack Nicholson: after having to read about him having a three-way, now Rolling Stone has a whole cover story on how sexy the man is. Is anyone actually looking at him when they write these things?! [RS]
• Freelance photog Larry Birkhead, who is supposedly the father of Anna Nicole Smith's newborn child, denies getting paid for doing his recent slew of interviews on infotainment shows. On the contrary, the proverbial insiders say he's making bank. And so what? Isn't this modern family built on exploitation? [Lowdown]
• Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson venture to a public venue, and now OMG THEY'RE TOTALLY IN LOVE AND GETTING MARRIED AWW. [People]
• Basic Instinct and Showgirls screenwriter Joe Eszterhas spreads his dirty-old-man gospel. [R&M]
• Drew Barrymore bounces, disappoints. [TMZ]
• Madonna and Guy Ritchie fight over games of Scrabble. At least she's acting her age. [Sun UK]
• Brent Stirton has been revealed as the "super-secret" photographer who snapped those pricey pics of Brangelina and Shiloh. Nice job, dude. Pity you couldn't come out until your moment had long passed. [PDN]

As details surrounding the sudden, untimely death of Anna Nicole Smith's son continue to trickle out with all the comforting regularity of a Chinese water torture, and the LAST PHOTOS™ on the verge of making their newsstand debut, we bring you up to date with a Daniel Smith round-up:

• This three minute, well-disguised "commercial" for Remington might be the most ridiculous display of pubic hair humor we've seen since the 8th grade. [Kontraband via Adrants]
• So everyone loves Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. But there's one real problem: how can you have a show about a show and not have a single Jew on the fictitious writing staff? [Peter Hyman]
• If someone says they have more than enough time to read every word of every issue of the New Yorker, they're lying and should be smacked. For the realists, try a condensed version of articles presented in haiku. [Drunken Volcano]
• Nearly 10% of New York men who say they are "straight" are dipping in the secret shame of assfucking. Of that number, almost 70% are married and 100% are in complete denial. [NYDN]
• It would seem that Anna Nicole Smith's son Daniel died of a fatal drug combination, likely involving prescription drugs. Or not. The crew down in the Bahamas is too busy fighting with the press to take a good look at the body. [TMZ]
• The assistant to the EIC of Architectual Digest starts a video blog, in which she'll tell us how to find good design despite, like her, being 25, on a budget, and living in a shoebox. Solution number one: buy a $6000 storage unit. Sigh. And to think, this poor girl probably isn't getting paid one penny extra for the humiliation. [AD]
• American Apparel sets up camp in the epicenter of retro sexiness and legwarmers, the...Flatiron District. [The Real Estate]
• Are you Middle Eastern or Asian? Do you like movies? Then you're in luck, because the CIA wants to indoctrinate you. [Salon]
• Tara Reid decides to have her breast implants removed, and Time Warner decides to have her latest "film" go direct to download. Hardly a coincidence. Without the boobs, she's just a human boda bag. [Defamer]

TMZ is reporting that Dr. Cyril Wecht, the private pathologist hired to perform a second autopsy on her son, has now allowed that "it could be a drug-related death of an accidental nature," while an unnamed source tells them that there were multiple prescription drugs in Daniel Smith's system, not just the single anti-depressant alluded to yesterday. Wecht later went on an expletive-filled tirade against Bahamian Coroner Linda Virgill, who stands firm that the "cause of death is known," yet for some reason still doesn't feel so secure in her "Mr. Green with the lead pipe in the library" theory as to share it with the world.

• Well, that solves it: It's Anna Nicole Smith herself who's cashing in on the photos of her with her newborn child and son Daniel, who died shortly after the pics were taken. With the help of an aggressive photo agent and the money-throwing suits at In Touch and Entertainment Tonight, she's set to bring in around $600K. Self-exploitation heals the heartache, doesn't it? [Lowdown]
• Joe Simpson reaches a whole new level of fucked-up and crazy: he actually acts as a paparazzo, taking pictures of his daughters — the same images that all the other swarms are taking — and selling them to WireImage as part of an exclusive deal that cuts out all other photographers. Eventually, Simpson will strike this kind of deal with Penthouse. And then, only then, being daddy will be worth it. [Radar]
• In a very public screaming match, Lindsay Lohan tells her partner in crime, mom Dina, to "go to hell" — during Dina's birthday party, no less. But not even the birthday girl gets to gank Lindsay's stash. Bitch had it coming. [Page Six]
• Rosie O'Donnell's big, scary lesbian liberalism makes View co-host Elisabeth Hasselbeck cry. And when Elisabeth cries, the ratings win. [R&M (2nd item)]
• Diddy pulls a diva act. When someone wears white chinchilla, that's usually a given. [Philly Daily News]
• In his divorce, Matt Leblanc will be representing himself. Pitfalls and blunders, accompanied by a laughtrack, TK. [TMZ]
• Stephen Baldwin continues to spread the word of baby Jesus and, in the process of doing so, remains in the public eye. Troublesome. [Page Six]

The celebrity gossip machine appears to have fully clued into the fact that they are a sitting on a potential goldmine with the death of Anna Nicole Smith's son—it's the kind of botched investigation story that just keeps on giving. First we had the official coroner hinting at third parties in the room, possible foul play and pending criminal charges, only to follow up with zilch on all three counts. Then came the independently ordered, second autopsy by "world class" pathologist Cyril Wecht, who so far sees nothing suspicious, but did reveal that Daniel was taking antidepressants at the time. (TMZ has video of him saying as much here, followed by some heartwarming photos of the covered body being transported.) People now has the latest incremental update in this not-developing story:

In the mailbox, a sighting of Star magazine EIC Joe Dolce putting in overtime:

On Friday, our East Coast big sister Gawker noted that an email had landed in the inbox of all the celebrity weeklies' top editors, offering them the once-in-a-newscycle opportunity to cash in on someone's else's tragedy. Getty Images informed them that for $200k, plus an assurance of "no negative press," they could have 17 photos of Anna Nicole Smith beaming in a hospital bed with newborn daughter and Daniel, the son who would be found mysteriously dead in the same building the very next day, at her side. A bidding war ensued, with third-tier glossy In Touch reportedly scoring the World's Most Depressing Photoset for a sum well north of $300k, now rightly theirs to splatter across a cover accompanied by 190-pt, canary-yellow block-lettering screaming some variation of, "ANNA NICOLE'S LAST MINUTES OF HAPPINESS." The personal snapshot nature of the photos—some previews of which are above, the rest over at Gawker—has raised questions of how Getty obtained them in the first place, and who is benefitting from the winning bid.

• Lindsay Lohan pays her fifth visit to the ER this year, having fractured her wrist in two places after slipping and falling in her Chanel boots. So much for being Karl Lagerfeld's BFF. [Us Weekly]
• Mel Gibson emerges to walk his only daughter down the aisle. If she'd married a Jew, however, he'd just have stayed home. [TMZ]
• Alec Baldwin tells GQ that ex-wife Kim Basinger's unkind words about him were so awful, he wanted to die. Calling the guy Saddam Hussein really cuts to the quick. [Page Six]
• A second autopsy is still inconclusive about the cause of death for Anna Nicole Smith's late son, Daniel. He was taking anti-depressants (wouldn't you?), though there's nothing to indicate a suicidal overdose. [R&M (bottom)]
• Bruce Willis will say just about anything so that you don't call him a Republican. [Lowdown]
• Mary-Kate Olsen protects her mystery dirtbag boyfriend from the Richards sisters' vaginas by aggressively sucking face at Bungalow. [Page Six]

As first reported on Friday afternoon, Getty Images sent an email out to celebrity weekly editors hawking photos of Anna Nicole Smith, her newborn daughter, and her son, Daniel. The pictures were taken in the Bahamian hospital where, the next day, Daniel was found mysteriously dead. For an initial asking price of $200K, Getty would provide a handful of the tender! heartbreaking! tragic! images, the only caveat being that the buyer had to refrain from running the photos with any sort of negative press — which may be easier said than done if and when toxicology reports are released.