• After her recently fired flack Rob Shuter planted less-than-true items about her non-relationship with John Mayer, Jessica Simpson goes on serious damage control, placing personal phone calls to the celebrity weekly editor posse and apologizing for making everyone look like dumbasses. People editor Larry Hackett, however, didn't take the call. Time Inc. is a very "talk to the hand" kind of place. [Radar]
• Alas, the court documents pertaining to the separation of Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown aren't half as interesting as their show (speaking of: if ever there were a time to bring that shit back, it'd be now). And lest you forget, there's actually a 13-year-old daughter involved here, who's probably been wandering the streets for months. [TMZ]
• Meanwhile, Roger Friedman fondly remembers the days of "I Wanna Dance With Somebody." [Fox411]
• The death of Anna Nicole Smith's son is being deemed "suspicious;" Smith herself didn't remember what happened, having gone into shock. [Reuters]
• Harvard likes its money, and the school doesn't care where it came from. Thus they won't be giving back alleged hebephile Jeffrey Epstein's $6.5 million donation. You know how it goes: as long as the dollar bills aren't sticky... [Page Six]
• Crazy old coot Dr. Laura believes that "women act like unpaid whores," and she's right. Get paid, bitches! Don't do that GGW crap for free! [Page Six]

• Whitney Houston files for divorce from her husband Bobby Brown, citing irreconciable differences over crack consumption and constipation relief. [Access Hollywood]
• Atoosa Rubenstein, editor of Seventeen and beautiful orchid lady, wears sunglasses because she's an urban warrior. You know, like Mel Gibson in Mad Max. Mel, Atoosa. Atoosa, Mel. [Slate]
• On 9/11, tragedy strikes Fashion Week as a Proenza Schouler mannequin falls. Don't bother with the tower metaphor, please. [Yahoo]
• You just know this guy is fucking Patrick McDonald [NYM]
• Meet CBS' new "wireless hostess," who will guide you through the CBS digital environment and, once you're done with that, help you rub one out. [TV.com]
• Anna Nicole Smith's son definitely did not die of a heart attack, but the coroner's going to cocktease this one as much as possible. [TMZ]
• W. schedules meeting to discuss crisis in Darfur and Borat threat. [Daily Mail]
• In other news from yesterday's primary, State Senator Ada Smith appears to have lost her bid for re-election. We'd stay out of Starbucks for the next couple weeks. [NYT]
• Media "would like a do-over" on its WMD reporting. Our dead and limbless soldiers presumably feel the same way. [On the Media]
• Paris Hilton skanks down the Heatherette runway. Not content to assault just your eyes, she did so to her own music, too. [Animal]

The shadowy circumstances surrounding the death of Anna Nicole Smith's 20-year-old son grow ever more sinister, as the Bahamian coronor, an obvious cliffhanger buff, has told the AP that she now knows who and/or what led to the massive heart attack that killed him, but isn't yet at liberty to say:

· We couldn't live with ourselves if we didn't point you to this Kirk-on-Spock slashtube presentation of "Closer," which stirs up complicated feelings we haven't experienced since that first intergalactic trip on the Startub Enterprise.
Insensitive contextual ad deployment suggests that Anna Nicole Smith might be able to heal her profound pain with a trip to Target.
DJ AM has many, many sneakers. We hope that you are just as excited by this news as we are.
Radar stumps Stephen Baldwin: "Just because I'm born-again doesn't mean I have to have the Ten Commandments memorized. See, that's the bad rap the born-again thing has gotten. What being born-again means for me is that I'm having so much fun in this interview that we're not going to go out and get an 8-ball of blow tonight and go crazy. That's what born again means to me: Inasmuch as I'd like to do that, gosh, I'll just go home and read some scripture with the wife."
· Please, Kiefer, don't ever stop tackling Christmas trees. The world needs more Christmas tree tracklers, not fewer. [fourth item]
· TVGasm once again unleashes the Chenbot.

• Former Maxim UK editor and HuffPo devilkin Greg Gutfeld hits fashion week; misses Tuleh, but looks fabulous nonetheless. [Radar]
• Meanwhile, when the fashion establishment acknowledges bloggers and lets the pasty kids into the tents, it's good for the internerds — but with every blog post, the allure of the chic plummets. Who wants to wear a label that's accessible, for chrissakes?! [WSJ]
• An insider on the Today show's new set, to be unveiled tomorrow: "It reminded me of the Fortress of Solitude from Superman." [TVNewser]
• Describing Demi Moore with her "legs spread like Liza doing a Fosse work-out" is a really disgusting choice of words, timing-wise. [National Post]
• Living in a post-Crocodile Hunter world means STINGRAY RAGE. No, seriously. [Times UK]
• Johnnie Walker advertises in Beirut, but they really could've taken it a bit further and articulated the point. [Animal]
• Anna Nicole Smith's son seems to have died of unnatural causes. We'll keep the inappropriate jokes about Trimspa to ourselves, thanks. [TMZ]
• You've always known that celebrities are more narcissitic than the average American, but now there's scientific proof. [LAT]

What should have been, for all intents and purposes, the most joyous of blogging occasions—everyone's favorite car wreck at the corner of Crazy St. and White Trash Ave., Anna Nicole Smith, giving birth to a baby girl—has been dimmed considerably with news that Smith's 20-year-old son, Daniel, has been found dead in the Bahamas. He was there to visit his mother, who had delivered three days earlier:

• Is it possible to feel pity for Anna Nicole Smith? Maybe, considering her 20-year-old son mysteriously died in the Bahamas on Sunday, just three days after the birth of Anna Nicole's baby girl. Now the poor woman is grieving, locked in a dark room and listening to Lightning Crashes on repeat. [CNN]
• If you hire Paris Hilton for a movie, you should probably be prepared to deal with unprofessional behavior, considering the bitch doesn't have a freaking profession to begin with. [Page Six]
• Keisha Knight Pulliam — aka Rudy from The Cosby Show — has a totally unconfirmed cocaine habit. Whatever keeps the weight off, girlfriend! [Bossip]
• Martha Stewart predicts that Trump will fire everyone until he's left cold and alone. [M&C]
• For what it's worth, Calvin Klein designer Francisco Costa was in Milan on 9/11, and feels that a lot has happened in five years, particularly his departure from Gucci. [R&M (2nd item)]
• Clothes-whoring socialite Tory Burch will survive as well. Good to know. [Lowdown]
• Brad Pitt loves Daniel Libeskind. Happy 9/11! [National Post]

• Supermodel Naomi Campbell puts her 6-bedroom Park Avenue condo on the block for $5.25 million. Blood-stained BlackBerry and frightened housekeepers not included. As to where she's moving to — isn't Dubai more relaxed about beating your underlings? [Page Six]
• Jay-Z does his best George Clooney imitation and considers building a 40/40 Casino in Las Vegas. [R&M]
• Brett Ratner's X-Men: The Last Stand breaks Memorial Day box office records, and he manages to feign humility. [Lowdown]
• An invitation from Britney Spears and Kevin Federline's wedding is now on eBay for $999.99 — because irony is expensive. [TMZ]
• Despite the general public having 24 hours to do something about the travesty, Anna Nicole Smith remains pregnant. [People]

• Several confirmations today: God is dead, the world is nothing more than a cesspool of injustice, the horsemen are en route, and Anna Nicole Smith is pregnant. [R&M]
• Life & Style claims Lindsay Lohan spent $1 million on clothes last year and is now seeing a hypnotist to cure her shopping addiction. As if that addiction were her biggest problem. [Scoop]
• The Red Hot Chili Peppers may face a major lawsuit if Tom Petty decides that the band's first single, Dani California, is as similar to Mary Jane's Last Dance as everyone says it is. [Page Six]
• Uber-manager Benny Medina declares a moratorium on email. If he can make Mariah Carey into a similar taboo, then we'll really be impressed. [Lowdown]
• Les Moonves' wife Julie Chen finally comes clean and acknowledges that she's a robot. [Page Six]
• Eager to make career choices that will help her come out of her divorce looking mature and classy, Denise Richards joins the Pussycat Dolls. [TMZ]
• Kim Basinger files a motion to prevent her ex-husband Alec Baldwin from publishing a book about the ruin of their marriage. Let's take Basinger's side on this one — do we really want to hear any more about the 45-year-long divorce? [IMDb]

• The National Enquirer finds itself getting sued, yet again — but this time it's not Tom Cruise unleashing the lawyers. It's little Lisa Turtle (aka Lark Voorhies), who is suing for unspecified damages after the rag quoted a source as saying she was bipolar and addicted to cocaine. Honestly, she did look a little tweaked when she and Screech did "the sprain" dance. [TMZ]
• Britney Spears suspects hubby K-Fed may be the source of leaks to the tabloids. He may not be the best husband for her, but Federline sure is loyal to America. [Scoop]
• Shiloh Jolie-Pitt's grandfather, Jon Voight, launches a public campaign to see the new baby. Considering his contact with the press was a major reason behind his estrangement with Angelina Jolie, this strikes one as a not-so-good plan. [Lowdown]
• Three Days of Rain may not have been stellar, but was it really so bad as to kick Julia Roberts down to the new face of Avon? [Page Six]
• Nobody's quite sure whether or not Anna Nicole Smith is pregnant, particularly because she's yet to figure out how to pee on a stick. [R&M]
• Details gives a rundown of the city's most hump-friendly public restrooms; the Plumm, Bungalow 8, and Bar 89 make the list. And yet there's no mention of the bathrooms at the Christopher Street Pier. C'mon, Details. We know you know. [Page Six]

• Today in the life of Chardenade Heatherich, Denise Richards tells her side of the story to Us Weekly. She says that she never meant for the court documents to become public, and that her "priority all along has been to focus on my children and their well-being." And to not be such a dickface. [Us Weekly]
• But Sheen's rep, the talented Stan Rosenfield of Clooney-Stalker fame, says that there was never any effort on Richards' part to keep the documents private. To boot, she might've sacked her former flacks when they advised against spreading the docs. [Page Six]
• Anna Nicole Smith is looking knocked up — if her womb is indeed full, the baby daddy will be wisely looking for some love from her newly accessible inheritance. [R&M]
• Courtney Love may be sober, but she's still flashing her wilted ladyflower whenever she gets the chance. [Page Six]
• Is anglofairy flack Rob Shuter trying to woo Britney Spears away from publicist Leslie Sloan-Zelnik? And, if so, shouldn't Zelnik be relieved? [Lowdown]
• Shortly after his spanking-new breakup with Paris Hilton, Starvos Niarchos seeks comfort in the company of Lindsay Lohan. [Scoop]
• Not that Paris cares — she's already moved on to fucking Heisman winner Matt Leinart. [LVRJ]

· We're Not Dead Yet, Probably! Dept.: It's a big day for William Morris, as WMA is signed to represent Big Coffee's interests in Hollywood (hopefully avoiding another Akeelah and the Bee debacle), as well as signing up to become the latest agency that will fail to make the public give a shit about Jennifer Lopez's movie or music careers again.
· Britney buys baby clothes, but doesn't really seem that excited about it. Yeah, that's pretty much the whole story.
· Sit out Coachella this year, or were you just too messed up to remember much about the weekend? Buzznet's got a huge gallery of pics to either make you feel like you weren't too lazy to skip it or to jog your drug-addled memory.
· Whomever designed this spooge-flinging child's toy should probably be arrested immediately.
· Anna Nicole Smith's Supreme Court victory makes the world safe for skeleton-fucking golddiggers everywhere.

The Supreme Court ruled today that teetering widow Anna Nicole Smith could pursue millions from the oil fortune of her late husband, J. Howard Marshall II. As a 26-year-old stripper, Smith married Marshall in 1994 when he was 89-years-old. Marshall died a year later, and Smith claimed he had promised her half of his $1.6 billion estate. Naturally, Marshall's family took issue, and the two sides have been entrenched in court ever since.

• Diet-pill whore Anna Nicole Smith heads to the Supreme Court today for a hearing regarding her gazillion dollar inheritance case, in which she is fighting for the money she rightfully earned by fucking her ancient, wheelchair-bound husband. In a perfect world, Smith will eschew all legal professionals and argue her case all by herself. Then we could die of happiness. [IMDb]
• Today in Lindsay Lohan's vagina: Wilmer Valderrama, 5:30 AM, Soho Grand. [Page Six]
• P. Diddy, currently in Rio de Janeiro for Carnival, was seen going into a venue known for its budget hookers. It's nice to know that despite his extraordinary wealth, the man still keeps things frugal. [Scoop]
• When it came time to file the divorce papers, did Nick Lachey lie about the date of separation from Jessica Simpson? If it means he could share in an extra $1 million of Simpson's cash, then of course he did. [Media Takeout]
• Lizzie Grubman and fiance Chris Stern are rumored to have their wedding scheduled as soon as the end of the month. Which would be tomorrow, right? [R&M (last item)]
• Because Brad Pitt morphs into his lovers, his latest role is as a United Nations-loving do-gooder. If Kofi Annan loved The Mexican as much as we think he did, Pitt's en route to becoming a Goodwill Ambassador. [Page Six]
• Donald Trump shames a Mar-a-Lago guest into tipping two employees who recovered her $2 million dollar bracelet. [Lowdown (last item)]

Because we here at Defamer feel the need to foster and promote the undiscovered and obscenely talented among you, behold the rubberfaced versatility of local actor Jeff Polage, a walking CGI effect who can morph his mug into virtually any ridiculous celebrity face you point to in a glossy. And don't you dare insult him with stand-in work; someone with this much masterly control of his craft deserves his own talent-holding deal.

With the American Music Awards right around the corner, we had some Anna Nicole Smith on the mind. One year after her unforgettable Kanye West introduction, would we still "like her body?" Did "freakin' geeenius" Kanye ever get around to making her "beautiful dueeet"? We want updates! Luckily, Page Six has the latest:

• In more PETA news, the organization has kidnapped Anna Nicole Smith's dogs and forced them to protest Iams pet food. Anna Nicole, however, thinks Iams tastes great. [AP/Yahoo]
• Details has a major scoop: Colin Farrell drinks beer! And next month, Details water as being really wet. [Hollywood Machine]
• Best name for a college sex column: Cornellingus. [The Atlantic (subscription req'd)]
• Men don't read. They also can't listen, don't understand you, and never take you anywhere nice. [BusinessWeek]
• Voice gossipette Michael Musto cannot be blamed for Gawker's sins. [NY Blade]
• Has anyone yet figured out why Manhattan smells like pancakes? Is it terror sugar? [AP/ABC]
• Project Runway reject Austin Scarlett thinks blackface is always in style. [PMc]
• Shame on Daily News staffer Bill Hutchinson for failing to note that jailed rapper Lil' Kim's lyrics channel the genius of Biggie Smalls. [NYDN]
• Depeche Mode tickets can be yours for just a little breast grope. Okay, not really a little grope — it's got to be at least 10 minutes' worth of heavy petting. [Craigslist]

· Paul Walker, unwittingly predicting what critics will be doing once Into the Blue premieres on Friday, begs his friends to urinate on him. Golden shower anecdotes are so C-list.
· The Fug Girls have invaded the Wall Street Journal...but where are your woodcuts, you hilarious bitches?
· To commemorate Anna Nicole upcoming, historic Supreme Court case, the WOW Report digs out some old footage of Smith's white trash cousin vomiting. Good times, y'all.
· Cinemocracy discovers that there is virtually no way to review Commander in Chief without invoking The West Wing.
· Lara Flynn Boyle, unexpected truth-teller: "It's not a craft, we're not slicing DNA. It's a great gig. We're all a bunch of beautiful, self-indulgent people."

• After a decade in court, the battle for the estate of drug-bunny Anna Nicole Smith's late husband will now go before the Supreme Court. Smith will argue her case by taking off her shirt and handing out bottles of TrimSpa to any interested justices. [Page Six]
• Older actresses hate Paris Hilton, presumably because they're old and don't look so cute in pink. Jealous Debbies, all of them. [Scoop]
• Celebrity marriages are dying at an increasingly rapid rate, presumably because no one can keep their pants on. [Page Six]
• WE CAN'T GET ON THE DAILY NEWS WEBSITE! WHERE'S LLOYD GROVE?! DID RUSH EAT MOLLOY!? CRISIS!

· Chris Klein and Katie Holmes have split. How much pain can Hollywood possibly be expected to endure in one day? We imagine that Klein grew tired of the way that every time the adorable Holmes stood still in a park, chipmunks would gather at her feet and bluebirds would perch on her shoulders. [Ed.note—For the record, we could never get tired of that.]
· Anna Nicole Smith did something wacky that may or may not have been fueled by a diet-pill binge? Get OUT!
· There's another great Photoshop contest at Worth1000. Collateray (left) is by far our favorite—watch for ABC to pick up a drama about a blind assassin tomorrow. [via MCN]
· You're too late to buy Jessica Simpson's grandparents' house, slaughter a hundred chickens in it, and correct the awful karma imbalance that it's unleashed on the world.