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Previous American Idol runner-ups have gone on to careers on Broadway, total obscurity, or alleged gay affairs with former members of elite military units, but this year, producers of television's most popular show are looking to mix up the formula. Following the coronation of this year's winner on tomorrow night's season finale, former Idol champions Kelly Clarkson, Ruben Studdard, Fantasia Barrino, and Carrie Underwood will join the judges in beating the second-place finisher to death with bamboo rods, then devour the bloodied, broken body of the unlucky contestant before a television audience expected to surpass 30 million viewers. Ryan Seacrest, of course, will pretend to be appalled by the display, decrying the callousness with which Simon Cowell critiques the "stringiness" of the raw flesh, but a glimmer in his eye will let us all know he's secretly pleased by the carnage unfolding in front of him.