What if you were New York's newest 'It' Girl, but you weren't alive anymore to enjoy it?

Today's compilation of rants on The Black Table (why's it gotta be a black table?) attacks the brave actors who are chauffeured from their Hollywood Hills mansions to the soundstage where they repeat the words that writers slaved to come up with:

In her 'Deadline Hollywood' column for LA Weekly, Nikki Finke looks at Bernard Weinraub's Times 'Arts & Leisure' section Hollywood kiss-off and what she terms reporters' "Gatsby Envy."

Bad idea of the year: The Godfather: The Video Game.

· Jennifer Pitt and Brad Aniston are reportedly still living together, wearing their wedding rings, and have been spotted holding hands. Please, sweet Jesus, help them reunite for the sake of perfect babies. [R&M]
· Frail cosmetics queen Olivia Chantecaille and boyfriend Eric Villency have ended their socialite-y romance. Somewhere, David Patrick Columbia sobs in a darkened room. [Page Six]
· Has Martha Stewart been violating prison rules by doing business over the phone? US Weekly reports that she's been speaking in code during certain phone calls; we imagine Martha's Pig Latin is flawless. [Lowdown]
· Supermodel Kate Moss may have ended her brief relationship with ex-Libertine horseman Pete Doherty, but Doherty isn't taking no for an answer and has told Britain's Channel 4 that he wants to marry Moss. [Page Six]

Today's 'Page Six' has a feature story on

SPOILER ALERT!!!

whether or not The Times accidentally spoiled the end of

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Clint Eastwood's

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Million Dollar Baby. Apparently, in a piece on

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activists protesting

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... You know what, go read it yourself if you're not afraid of spoilers.
TIMES HEADLINE SPOILS FLICK [NYP]

· In the wake of Sundance, the reports flood in: Keanu Reeves won't take freebies, Tobey Maguire is "bloated," celebs get denied entry at the United Talent Agency party, Haylie Duff is inexplicably headed to Harvard, Shannen Doherty is shopping around a Sex and the City knockoff, and everyone hates Paris Hilton. [ELK]
· Oh, and Minnie Driver's people called ahead to assess the worth of potential gift bags. $6k in swag was apparently not enough to lure Driver to the freebie tents. [Gatecrasher]
· Kevin Federline, official Baby-Daddy and husband of Britney Spears, is getting a "metrosexual makeover" for a Details photo shoot. Having abandoned his bedazzled "pimp" jumpsuit, Federline will also appear in the April issue of L'Uomo Vogue. [Page Six]
· Tara Reid is still looking for Mr. Right and has enlisted the help of daytime lesbian guru Ellen DeGeneres. Send in a 60-second tape to DeGeneres and you might have a chance with Reid—do it now, before she wins that Oscar and becomes way too famous for this crap. [R&M (3rd item)]
· Further insight into Madonna's ties with the Kabbalah Centre reveals not only a penchant for pretentious British spelling habits, but that students eat off plastic while Madonna enjoys the luxury of real plates and silverware. [Page Six]
· Breaking news from Lloyd Grove! Celebrity poker is hot. We'll let this "scoop" slide, as it's Lloyd's birthday week. [Lowdown]

Now that we've cleared up who's in the running for the 2004 Academy Awards, let's turn our attention to a clear contender for 2005, Alone in the Dark, starring Tara Reid and Christian Slater. The reviews are stunning!

Click for results as of 2PM EST.
CNN

12:37 - Still have E! on. They're showing unfunny SNL reruns. So disrespectful!
12:40 - CNN is much better. Robotic anchorman Wolf Blitzer is talking about Iraqi elections, but I don't think he's taking too well to the Paul Giamatti snub. You can see the pain in his eyes.
12:43 - Ooh, they're going to talk about the nominations in a second.
12:44 - Who's the guy in this Listerine commercial? He's super hot.
12:45 - While reading the Best Actress nominations, Blitzer reveals that he loves saying, "And the nominees are..." Possible career shift on Blitzer's horizon?
12:47 - Oh look, pop culture guru Tour is on. It must be a weekday. His shirt is unbuttoned a little low, and he's not wearing an undershirt. Scandalous, yet fabulous.
12:48 - Tour claims Jamie Foxx owns this year's nominations, but Blitzer counters: "Well, don't black people and white people like Hotel Rwanda?"

9:04 - E!'s "news correspondent" Giuliana has nominee Virginia Madsen on the phone, but crisis strikes! She's tangled in her mic wires! She's falling asleep! Virginia Madsen says she "screamed" when she found out that she was nominated for Best Actress; Giuliana is "so happy" for her. Lots of grinning and slow head-shaking. And does Madsen appreciate being called "sweetheart" over and over again?
9:07 - They're already replaying the nominations.
9:10 - Why hasn't anyone mentioned the tsunami?

Dax Shepard as Tom Marshall... Robyn Cohen as Anne-Marie Sakowitz

8:25 - Okay, got E! on. So nervous. So excited. Only five minutes to go — how's my hair?
8:30 - Whoa, E! News Princess Giuliana looks like shit. It's only 5:30 AM out there, but: eye cream. Look into it.
8:32 - What's up with the little countdown clock in the corner? When it hits zero, will Hollywood be born anew?
8:37 - Only a minute and thirty seconds left! Movie expert Ryan Downey is telling us...nothing. Giuliana says this is all "very exciting."
8:38 - Academy darklord Frank Pearson enters, grandiose fanfare music — his mouth is barely moving. Cue obligatory Carson shoutout.
8:40 - Adrian Brody joins Pearson for the reading, does Binaca schtick. They start announcing in hyper-speed:

Oh, man. This story is fantastic. Reuters reports:

The Sunshine Cinema on New York's Lower East Side gives moms, immigrant nannies, and stay-at-home dads a break on Wednesday mornings by holding special screenings that allow babies free entry. Sounds like a great idea except yesterday they showed The Woodsman, a movie where Kevin Bacon plays THE WORLD'S MOST DISTURBING PEDOPHILE. Babies don't retain this stuff, right?

Don't tell us that Martin Scorsese doesn't know about Dziga Vertov, okay? Homeboy knows his Soviet Cinema.

We can't tell you whether or not to see Ocean's Twelve, but judging from some of these review headlines, it appears to be one of those dark, existential dramas that inspires critics to pull out those 'dark' words we haven't used since we smoked cloves and kept a diary in high school:
·Pitt of Despair
·'Ocean's Twelve' provides ennui by the dozen
·Tedious 'Twelve'
Sounds heavy, man. Wait, it's a comedy?
Ocean's Twelve [WB]

Lost amid the hullabaloo about Pale Male, the hawk evicted from his rent-controlled Fifth Avenue aerie, are the real victims: Nora Ephron fans.