monday-morning-box-office

Jerry Seinfeld Finally Takes His Animated Bees To Number One

mark · 11/12/07 12:03PM

As your Hollywood employer has probably decided that this Veterans Day doesn't warrant the show of respect of a day off (strike-related layoffs notwithstanding), celebrate the sacrifices of those who've served our country in the most meaningful way available to you: by observing a moment of silence as you review the weekend's box office numbers:

The Rock Takes His Position As America's Biggest Family-Comedy Star

mark · 10/01/07 10:48AM

We'd wish you a happy Monday, but we know you'd just see through that transparent attempt at merry-making on the bleak beginning of a seemingly unending work week. So: have a look at the weekend box office numbers, doing your best to ignore the five days of pain that await you:

American Moviegoers Embrace Jodie Foster's Vigilantism

mark · 09/17/07 10:51AM

Even though most domestic entertainment consumers chose to spend the entire weekend researching their Emmy pool picks, the multiplexes remained open, hoping to lure those fatigued from the demanding intellectual exercise with pleasant, air-conditioned places in which to take study breaks. These are the weekend numbers:

$14 Million To Yuma

mark · 09/10/07 10:37AM

Following a slow weekend at the box office, we must ask: Have you abadoned Hollywood, or has Hollywood abandoned you? Ponder this question as you review the box office numbers:

Penis-Doodle Lovers Still Showing Up For 'Superbad'

seth · 08/27/07 11:11AM

Ah, yes. It's beginning to feel—and smell—a lot like late August. Before slipping on those fancy trick sunglasses upon which you've glued magazine cutouts of two open eyes and checking out for the morning, have some box office numbers, freshly scooped out of the commissary salad bar:

There Is No Stopping Seth Rogen Now

mark · 08/20/07 11:07AM

Another Monday morning, another coronation of a new box office king. Raise a hand to salute your new multiplex master as you review the weekend numbers:

America Might Finally Be Tiring Of Chris Tucker Shouting At Jackie Chan

mark · 08/13/07 10:42AM

There are perhaps no harder Monday mornings than the ones of mid-to-late August, when we all know we're showing up for work weeks where nothing interesting can possibly happen. Distract yourself from the drudgery with the weekend box office numbers, then put your head down and nap until Friday afternoon:

The Bourne Celebration

mark · 08/06/07 11:02AM

Like a stun-gun set to "wake up" applied directly to your genitals, enjoy the jolt of the weekend box office numbers:

Highest. Grossing. Episode. Ever.

mark · 07/30/07 10:46AM

Monday morning! Nope, even saying it with forced enthusiasm doesn't make it seem any less painful. Take your mind off the bleakness with the weekend box office numbers:

Confusingly Qualified Fucking Box Office Records Are Coming

mark · 07/09/07 10:25AM

It's time to accept that Hollywood's Fourth of July vacation is finally over and the rest of the summer awaits; try and put off daydreaming about your Labor Day hiatus long enough to review the weekend box office numbers:

Moviegoers Find Rats In A Restaurant Surprisingly Delicious

mark · 07/02/07 10:33AM

This Monday morning is no less painful than any other on the calendar, but at least you only have to survive 48 hours before you're rewarded with a day off. Cling to the weekend box office numbers as you try to make it through the excruciating two days that stand between you and illegal firework displays, backyard barbecues, and egregious midweek drunkenness: