As invigorating as an hourlong, cold Monday morning shower following two sleepless days of binge drinking, your weekend box office numbers:

Like a bucket full of ice water dumped upon your slumbering form by a boss who doesn't appreciate how hard it is to get going on a Monday morning, the weekend box office numbers:

Temporarily put aside the existential despair of your post-Sopranos existence by self-medicating with the weekend box office numbers. It's what Dr. Melfi would want.

In this trying time of unjustly incarcerated heiresses, let us not forget what's truly important: the reporting of this weekend's box office numbers:

The Second Horseman of the Blockbuster Sequel Apocalypse is now galloping through your local multiplex, so dive behind the candy counter and pray he harvests the souls of that bickering family of four in line behind you. Your weekened box office numbers:

Welcome to the Second Official Monday Morning of Blockbuster Season! The numbers aren't quite as impressive as last weekend's, but they should hold you over until Shrek shows up on Friday to narcotize the children of America:

Oh, happy day! Records have fallen, mind-bending studio expenses have been vindicated, and millions of American moviegoers have been moderately entertained on this most glorious of Monday mornings! On to the numbers!

Take some time to review the weekend box office numbers, the only thing that can temporarily distract you from your Garfieldian dread of Monday mornings: