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Like a stun-gun set to "wake up" applied directly to your genitals, enjoy the jolt of the weekend box office numbers:

1. The Bourne Ultimatum—$70.181 million
It would hardly feel like a Monday morning in this blockbuster-clogged summer without some sort of qualified box office record being broken, and this weekend's debutof Bourne Ultimatum did not disappoint. Ultimatum's $70.181 million is the Biggest August Opening Ever, unless you're one of those numbers-obsessed types who wants to cheapen this accomplishment by noting that Rush Hour 2's would still hold that title if we account for ticket price inflation. But we recommend that we all pretend that inflation doesn't exist and let Bourne enjoy its moment of triumph, which may only last until Brett Ratner unleashes yet another Rush Hour on the world this Friday. And we all know he's not going to be shy about rubbing everyone's faces in another new record.

2. The Simpson Movie—$25.6 million
If we have one complaint about the movie, it's that it could've used a little more nudity. Maybe they're saving a scene revealing the Comic Book Guy's squiggle for the sequel, knowing they had to ease us into the world of animated full-frontal with a less upsetting peak at Bart's minimalist junk the first time around.

3. Underdog—$12 million
Even though Underdog's opening was hardly encouraging, we're holding out hope that Jason Lee's next cartoon series adaptation won't be a total trainwreck. At least the Alvin team was smart enough to avoid Underdog's bizarre choice to use real animals, as watching Lee scream at actual chipmunks for 90 minutes could have been a little disturbing.

4. I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry—$15.550 million
We know we're a little fixated on congratulatory ads in the trades, but we're really looking forward to the one of Adam Sandler and Kevin James kissing atop a gay-wedding cake reading "$100,000,000 DOMESTIC!" once the movie passes that milestone in the next couple of weeks.

9. Hot Rod—$5.015 million
SNL's Andy Samberg needs to get a couple more Lazy Sunday-sized hits under his belt before he's ready for a Fallonesque, Taxi-level disaster. Hardly anyone will notice Hot Rod modest failure.