miracle-baby

SuriWatch: Gambling On The First Photos

mark · 07/06/06 07:40PM

In what we're absolutely certain isn't a publicity stunt meant to exploit the current buzz around Tom Cruise's inability to fetch an acceptable price for the first photographs of his rapidly devaluing, still-unseen, possibly fantastical daughter, online betting site BetUS.com has announced that it's trying to procure photos of the suspicious infant for display on their website. An excerpt from their press release:

SuriWatch: OK, This Is Getting A Little Ridiculous

mark · 07/06/06 01:11PM

It seems that Us Weekly has abandoned any hope of landing the first, heavily discounted pictures of Suri Cruise, settling instead on moving glossy product by spotlighting Tom Cruise's profoundly strange delay of the initial public appearance of his possibly nonexistent daughter as the BABY MYSTERY, even going so far as to run a Where's Suri? clock counting the days since the Miracle Baby's alleged birth. But after three months of waiting for proof that Cruise can at least be bothered to pull a stand-in baby off the toddler rack for a photo shoot to ease the public's suspicions, we're ready to upgrade the situation from "mystery" to "riddle that would make the Sphinx incontinent." To add to the weirdness, Us reports that even Cruise's BFFs, both of the regular and Scientological flavors, have yet to gain an audience with the world's most elusive rugrat:

Suspicious World Still Waiting For Pictures Of The Miracle Baby

mark · 06/15/06 12:37PM

Tom Cruise has once again demonstrated his unparalleled gift for making even the most routine of celebrity milestones seem incredibly suspicious, following up his globe-trotting, joint Mission: Impossible III/My Imprisoned Fiancée Is Having Someone's Baby Tour with a 58 day infant image embargo that has many wondering if said Miracle Baby actually exists. Humpy E! gossip-withholder Ted Casablanca coyly suggests that people in Cruise's orbit are feeding him "shocking statements, revelations and just plain tacky-ass info" that lawyers will not let him share, but is kind enough to pass along the official word from the star's epically inept public relations team:

Anatomy Of A Fake Pregnancy: Katie Holmes' Stretch Marks

mark · 05/18/06 01:08PM

America's Most Suspicious Couple has taken the next step in trying to convince the world that Katie Holmes that the Miracle Baby actually spent some quality time in her reproductive system. It's been exactly a month since the little bundle of maternal imprisonment arrived, and while we still have no photographic evidence of the infant, we've now been treated to the sight of Holmes' suddenly curvy postpartum figure and these new, completely accidental candid photos of what appear to be stretch marks. The conspiracy-minded might leap to the conclusion that this is some sort of false stomach constructed by Hollywood's most talented latex effects artists, but we think they favored a more low-tech approach, wherein Holmes laid bare belly-down on a shag carpet for the two hours before their latest, Suri-less foray into public.

World Surprised It Took Britney Spears This Long To Get Knocked Up Again

mark · 04/25/06 04:44PM


Excuse us if we can't muster any enthusiasm for the announcement of Britney Spears' pregnancy, as happy as we are that it will eventually yield a much-needed, second paparazzi getaway driver/high chair structural integrity tester for the family, relieving some of the enormous pressure on Sean Preston to hold down both jobs. But between the recent, suspicious arrival of the Miracle Baby and the crushing anticipation surrounding the Chosen One's impending Namibian birth, there's just no more room in our hearts right now. We're sure you understand.

The Morning Cruise: Still More Miracle Baby Fun

mark · 04/20/06 11:52AM

Welcome to our morning attempt to wrap and/or consume the seemingly endless pieces of chocolate insanity passing along the conveyor belt of Tom Cruise and Miracle Baby news:

Short Ends:All-Miracle Baby Edition

mark · 04/19/06 08:29PM

· Kirstie Alley tells People, "Tom does everything 150 percent, and fatherhood he does 300 percent. They're going to have a great kid," removing even the faintest hope that the child might have any semblance of a normal existence.
· So what's Suri going to be up to in 2030? Pretty much what you'd expect, according to TVGasm's predictions.
· Inspired by the Cruise family's newest addition, Gallery of the Absurd does some typically fine work in the grotesque celebrity caricature space.
· Should Cruise find himself craving some placenta when his current stash runs out, a fresh supply isn't far away.
· Two from Gawker: A People reporter on the Miracle Baby beat, and perhaps the world's most unfortunately named catering company.
· OK, this one isn't Miracle Baby related at all: Fleshbot wants to get you all horny about the Carolyn Murphy sex tape. Mission accomplished.

Miracle Baby Postpartum: What's In A Vaguely Ethnic Name Round-Up

Seth Abramovitch · 04/19/06 03:50PM

Much like everything else regarding the arrival of the Miracle Baby, her name arrives swaddled in mystery. We can already recite by heart the "official" explanation as it appears in the People-exclusive scriptures: "Suri has its origins in Hebrew meaning 'princess,' or in Persian meaning 'red rose.'" But the Hebrew word for princess is "Sarah," not Suri. While we're still standing by our futuristic seafaring vessel name theory, here's a round-up of some of the others:

Tom Cruise And Brooke Shields Once Again Connected By Childbirth

mark · 04/19/06 12:14PM

We were too drained by the rigors of childbirth to note this in the wake of the announcement of the Miracle Baby's arrival (the temporary deafness and disorientation resulting from the blast of celestial trumpets didn't help, either), but as many of you probably know by now, longtime Tom Cruise nemesis and dangerous street-drug addict Brooke Shields also gave birth to a daughter yesterday. And while Grier Hammond Henchy begins a lifetime as a foil for Suri "How do ya like them apples, Brooke?" Cruise, we imagine that the two won't meet until they seek each other out during their rebellious teenage years, download a copy of Endless Love to their PhonePods, and bond over their strange connection while smoking some dope. However, if this totally unsubstantiated bit of tinfoil-hattery we received in an e-mail last night is accurate, the two kids may already have crossed paths: