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Tom Cruise has once again demonstrated his unparalleled gift for making even the most routine of celebrity milestones seem incredibly suspicious, following up his globe-trotting, joint Mission: Impossible III/My Imprisoned Fiancée Is Having Someone's Baby Tour with a 58 day infant image embargo that has many wondering if said Miracle Baby actually exists. Humpy E! gossip-withholder Ted Casablanca coyly suggests that people in Cruise's orbit are feeding him "shocking statements, revelations and just plain tacky-ass info" that lawyers will not let him share, but is kind enough to pass along the official word from the star's epically inept public relations team:

According to Camp T.C.:

· TomKat still has no wedding date. When asked why, I was given no explanation. Cold feet, you two?

· Tom C., according to his rep, has no plans for another film right now, and he's simply enjoying "being with his family." In between Japan and myriad global tourings, don't forget. So, whatev.

· Baby Suri has no plans whatsoever to make her debut in any publications, so unlike Shiloh Jolie-Pitt. This is per her parents' strictest orders. They don't want to seem exploitive. Perish the possibility!

· Suri Holmes-Cruise (I wish) does indeed exist, contrary to those nasty reports that say she doesn't—so Mr. Cruise's representative assures.

We are inclined to believe that Suri exists, but suspect that the truth of Cruise's baffling refusal to allow even a single image of his daughter to reach the public is more complicated than an overprotective impulse. Our best guess is that at some point during the extra-utero incubation process, a member of Cruise's team of infant-fabrication technicians made a gross miscalculation in DNA manipulation, altering a gene thought to simulate the actor's twinkling eyes (massaging the double helix is as much an art as a science), but instead triggering an unexpected growth spurt. All publicity opportunities are currently on hold while Cruise's staff figures out how to subdue the 50-foot baby that's terrorizing his compound, bring her back into the lab, and shrink the enormous infant back down to a size that won't alarm People's readers.

And as for the indefinitely delayed wedding plans: Don't be fucking crazy. They're never getting married.