News services (and the pop star's internet propaganda arm, MJJ Source) report that Michael Jackson has escaped from the hospital following a curiously brief stay for "mystery flu" treatment. It seems that yesterday Jackson delivered a coded message to the army of devoted fans that had gathered outside his window. After hours of painstaking study, we think we've cracked the code: "Peace, my beautiful friends. I am well now. The faithful can join me at Neverland Ranch in 24 hours. We'll party before I burn the Ranch down and escape to the moon. Bring a Boy Scout. No, five Boy Scouts. Jacko out!"

Good news! Michael Jackson is apparently well enough to walk to the window and wave to the assembled masses like a bleached, freakishly reconstructed pope. Of course, that could be some other honky's hand executing a clever ruse to distract the public while Jackson is filling his rocket to the moon with prepubescent concubines colonists.

We flipped on the cable news (who knew we get channels besides VH1 and E!?) to get an update on Michael Jackson's condition, and it was reported that a "severe flu" will knock Jackson out of action for a week, with potential jurors sent home until more is known about Jackson's condition. This should give Jackson plenty of time to fake his death, gather the seeds of a new, utopian Neverland society from the talent roster at Nickolodeon, and escape to the secret colony he's prepared on the dark side of the moon. You heard it here first!

Even working at internet speed, we can hardly keep up with the breakneck pace of developments in the Michael Jackson Trial of the Century. We were in the process of writing about the all-star celebrity roster of potential Jackson defense witnesses (Elizabeth Taylor, Quincy Jones, Jay Leno, Kobe Bryant, the ghost of Liberace, et al) when we saw this screaming from the Drudge Report (yes, him again):

Now that Corey Feldman's been subpoened to testify in the Michael Jackson Trial of the Century, the big cockteases over at ABC News have finally given up some of the goods from the former child actor/Neverland survivor's interview airing on 20/20. We can all skip it; as we feared, among the shocking revelations from Feldman's televised chat is the deflating assurance that Jackson kept his Moonwalker inside his sequined pants:

When the Michael Jackson Trial of the Century kicked off last week, we had the creeping feeling that we'd soon be hearing stories about boozy, Jesus Juice-fueled nights by the llama pen from former child actor pals. Now it seems that the first inappropriately-wandering glove tale will come courtesy of Corey Feldman, a frequent Neverland guest during the rollicking 80s. ABC News teases our naughty places with a Feldman quote from this Friday's 20/20 episode:

· One of the many disturbing passages in today's AP profile of Dakota Fanning: "Besides DeNiro, Dakota has worked with an impressive list of actors: Sean Penn in 'I Am Sam,' Denzel Washington in 'Man on Fire,' Brittany Murphy in 'Uptown Girls.'" Once Fanning manages to land a role opposite Sarah Michelle Gellar, she can retire knowing she's shown her chops to all the greats.
· No punchline required: DeGeneres Launches Campaign To Find Reid a Man
· We're sure that if you look hard enough, you can find us somewhere in the list of Chickenhead's Absolute Bottom 50 Blogs, probably somewhere between EmotionallyStuntedPolemicist.com and CelebrityBungLeech.com.
· Note to Michael Jackson trial prosecutors: Make sure that you fingerprint the potentially incriminating pornography before you bring it to court.
· We watched Paula Abdul on the Daily Show, too, and couldn't help but wonder why she was so distractingly twitchy and kept repeating Jon Stewart's words. Drugs are always the easy explanation, but we sense a deeper pathology at work this time.

When we saw this map of the sex-offender danger lurking perilously close to Disneyland, we wondered if the Megan's Law website could help us find a safer place in California where concerned parents could bring their children.

The NY Times banishes a couple of reporters to the sleepy town of Santa Maria ("population of 85,000, of whom nearly 60 percent are Latino and fewer than 2 percent are black. Many of the residents work in the fields of the surrounding Santa Maria Valley. Per capita income is $13,780, and more than 15 percent of the population lives in poverty."), where the first day of the Michael Jackson Trial of the Century unfolded Monday. Now that the stage is set, it's time to look at the challenges facing lawyers during the jury selection phase of the proceedings:

Even a routine security check on the way to the courtroom can't make Michael Jackson suppress some Thriller-quality moves. Not pictured: Jackson grabs his crotch, hops on a table, and emits a piercing scream that shatters all the glass within a 100-yard radius.

Fox 411's Roger Friedman reports that hack director/Robert Evans footstool Brett Ratner has been subpoenaed to testify in the Michael Jackson molestation trial.

The E! network, showing the kind of ingenuity that's made them the world leader in round-the-clock, creepily obsessive starfucking, announced that it will circumvent the ban on television cameras in Michael Jackson's molestation trial by airing dramatic re-enactments of the proceedings. If they're going to do this, they'd better go all the way...and do the re-enactments in Claymation. Using clay actors will lessen the brutal impact of the emotionally wrenching "show me where he touched you" moments that will surely upset viewers, and they'll have a much easier time matching Jackson's elusive skin tone and accurately rendering the surgeon-chiseled contours of his face. And think of the slapstick possibilities of a clever clay animator making Jackson's nose slide off his face every time he sheds a crocodile tear!

Someone on Craigslist is trolling for Michael Jackson's overnight guests (strangely, in the TV/Radio Jobs section), or as most refer to them, "Neverland survivors":

A reader writes, "Lisa Marie Presley appeared on Howard Stern's show this morning. After he got through the vital Howard questions (yes, she had lesbian sex, once, when she was a teen, and she's still tempted but doesn't answer the tempt... yes, she does like sex in all the unusual places... no, she won't confirm whether there's anything odd about Michael Jackson's penis), he asks about reports of a Lisa Marie/Paris Hilton catfight. Lisa explains that she has a friend who likes to throw drinks on Paris. They were at a party and the friend said she'd just tossed an aperitif. Lisa Marie didn't believe her. Here came Paris, so the friend proved it by throwing a drink at Paris' back. The friend then ducked out of the way, leaving Lisa Marie there, looking guilty, though she says she wasn't. What an odd pastime: The Paris Hilton drinking game: Every time you see her, you throw a drink."

Looking for that perfect gift? The one that says "you're special to me and I love you, but I SWEAR TO GOD, IF YOU DANGLE OUR ONLY CHILD OFF THAT FUCKING BALCONY ONE MORE TIME JUST SO YOU CAN GET YOUR GODDAMN PICTURE IN THE PAPERS, I'LL PUSH YOU OFF OF IT"? We thought so. (Who isn't?) Well, today's your lucky day! It just so happens that Popsculptures.com is selling cast sculptures of that memorable and heartwarming moment when Michael Jackson dangled his offspring from that now-legendary balcony. Only $49.99 plus shipping and handling. (For $10 less, you can get the unpainted version, which "makes a great gift for someone interested in learning how to paint.")
King of Pop baby drop sculpture [Popsculptures via Nuggets]

Director John Waters when asked whom he'd hex (Michael Jackson-style): "I'd never give my enemies the satisfaction of acknowledging them in print. But I'll tell you a hex that works: When the person you loathe leaves the room, lick their chair. Something awful will happen." Thanks, John. Now if you'll excuse me, Britney Spears just left the room, and I have to go pull the splinters out of my tongue.
Curses! [NY Mag]

An execution at Sony Music. According to Roger Friedman, Tommy Mottola didn't know what hit him. The Sony Music head arrived Thursday morning at 550 Madison, was told to see Sir Howard Stringer, the charming Brit who runs Sony Entertainment. Mottola was given a couple of hours to clear out his office. Mariah Carey and Michael Jackson, two of Sony Music's biggest stars, were recently forced out of Sony Music; Mottola's handling of their departure was messy.
Mottola Leaves Sony Music [Fox News]

Highlights:
· Best Dis to Fling at a Fashionista: "That outfit is so September 10th." (John Waters)
· A Reader's Well-Reasoned Assessment of Jimmy Fallon: "As long as I've got a face, he's got a place to sit."
· On Michael Jackson's Fascinating Paternal Behavior: "Shouldn't these kids be instantly snatched away and given to someone normal, like Liza Minnelli?"
· Weirdest Gimmick: Broadway musicals and movies "ending with a quick, out-of-nowhere same-sex coupling, usually for the giddy, shticky curtain call...it's generally a way of saying, 'We're so cool but not cool enough to actually incorporate anything substantially gay into the main plot.'"
· TONY Awards Tragedy: "Urinetown lost for Best Musical, despite winning score, book, and director, mainly because a lot of the stodgy voters felt, 'I couldn't get past the title.' They're so full of shit."
The world's best worst and filthiest celebrities [Village Voice]