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We flipped on the cable news (who knew we get channels besides VH1 and E!?) to get an update on Michael Jackson's condition, and it was reported that a "severe flu" will knock Jackson out of action for a week, with potential jurors sent home until more is known about Jackson's condition. This should give Jackson plenty of time to fake his death, gather the seeds of a new, utopian Neverland society from the talent roster at Nickolodeon, and escape to the secret colony he's prepared on the dark side of the moon. You heard it here first!