Unless you (a) live in a happy place, or (b) cannot be forced to read the Post, you're probably aware that Page Six reporter Paula Froelich has penned a bite-sized book entitled It! 9 Secrets of the Rich and Famous That Will Take You to the Top. (That 10th secret would've pushed wee Paula over the edge, we think.) As such, it's time for another round of Gawker's beloved book club, in which we open our selection to any page, at random, and choose a passage of interest or, preferably, absurdity. Now open your books to page 14:

· 60 Minutes II will probably hang its Peabody Award on the CBS communal fridge with a note to Les Moonves: 'Cancel what?' Jon Stewart to send his to his mother with a note reading "Still mad I never went to med school?" [PRNewsWire]
· Canadians: Can't live with 'em; Didn't really know you were livin' with 'em to begin with. [FishBowlNY]
· The Night of the Long Pies continues. The latest "victim": David "The Horra" Horowitz. (Maybe it was grown-up children of Black Panthers returning the shitty breakfasts he shoved down their throats three decades ago.) It's only a matter of time before Jonah Goldberg gets it in the piehole. [Wonkette]
· What if the Pope's funeral had been overseen by conceptual artists? [Greg.org]

VIBE, April 2005; Esquire, October 1968.

The New York Daily News' 'THERSDAY' section breaks a story almost as big as The Pentagon Papers: Celebrities are not as flawless as photos of them in glossy magazines suggests:

In a review of Malcolm Gladwell's Blink and Elkhonon Goldberg's The Wisdom Paradox: How Your Mind Can Grow Stronger as Your Brain Grows Older in The New York Review of Books, Sue M. Halpern writes:

Readers of today's New York Times (people still read The New York Times, right?), will no doubt feel confused about what opinion they should espouse at their next dinner party. It basically boils down to this:

Looks like the love match between Matt Drudge and Maureen Dowd just turned into a love triangle. Everyone knows Drudge loves Camille Paglia (and vice versa), but apparently Maureen loves Camille, too.

· Two takes on the ubiquitous Mr. Jonathan Livingston Safran Seagull Foer: The Times' 'Boldface' boosts him up; Freelance lit assassin William Georgiadis in The Post tears him down. [NYT; NYP]
· FOX 411's Roger Friedman offers a heartfelt two sentence tribute to Saul Bellow. Had Bellow lived ten more years, he might've earned another sentence fragment. [FOXNews]
· Michelle Malkin to begin boycotting Taco Bell. [NYT]
· Slate senior content producer Jacob Weisberg really must like Kazuo Ishiguro's new novel. First he lauded it for the waning queen bee of buzz, then he commissioned Margaret Atwood to endorse it. We don't read books, so we'll take his word for it. [Topic A; Slate]

Ethics? We don't need no stinkin' ethics:

Don't be surprised if The New York Observer's Tom Scocca is found outlined in chalk with the bloody shards of a monocle next to his body. Tom went and made one of the biggest mistakes a journalist can make: he broke The New Yorker's code of omerta and dared to print a speculative—though probably quite accurate—masthead for the magazine in this week's Observer.

Normally, the Defamer Corrections space is reserved for making amends for our own inaccuracies, errors, and omissions. Thanks to a reader, today we can lend our corrective assistance to an editor at the AP, whose faulty identification of Desperate Housewives star Marcia Cross on the infamous Vanity Fair cover may incite yet another sweaty round of the now-legendary bitch-orgy should Cross' publicist discover it:

Bloggers, meet the new object of your scorn: Byron E. Calame, The New York Times' new public editor. According to AP (via Editor & Publisher), Calame is formerly an editor at The Wall Street Journal, where he worked for 39 years.

Little ditty about Matt and Maureen; two American kids writin' the best they can.

If the Times Dining section were going to permutate into anything more absurd, you'd expect Frank Bruni to be behind it. And today, he is, forgoing the culinary reviews and flavorful reflections on godknowswhat to sit down with — brace yourselves — 80's fat "before-Kirstie" actress Delta Burke:

Holy cow, that Peter Jennings hed is inappropriate. Or is it just us?

· Remember the Wired report about the pervy UK practice of "toothing," in which people used their Bluetooth devices to organize sexual encounters on commuter trains? Well, if you do, you shouldn't anymore, as the whole thing was an elaborate hoax. [Hanasiana via Gizmodo and Fleshbot]
· Former smoker Peter Jennings is diagnosed with lung cancer. We're feeling sensitive today, so no jokes. Aren't we mature? [Bloomberg]
· This might be the most adorably weird David Sedaris moment ever documented on the internerd. [Productshop NYC]
· More reports from the precious wedding of undershirtless talking head Tour , where everyone had their own song to which they walked down the isle: "writer Nelson George, walked out to what else? Marvin Gaye's 'Trouble Man.'" [VV]
· Vote for your favorite dumbfuck's inclusion in the Big Media Hall of Shame! You can nominate your own candidate or choose amongst nominees including Michael Powell and Rupert Murdoch. [Free Press

New York magazine's Look Book never ceases to amaze us, in a "where do they FIND these people?" sort of way. This week, they've managed to hunt down Julie Erdman, a sophomore at NYU whose single outfit is probably more expensive than your rent (obviously, we envy her). She is not, however, an Olsen. A self-described "culture-phile" majoring in French lit, Julia's goals aren't too high: she'd like to be a Times restaurant critic. Total waste case, sigh. After the jump, Intern Alexis gets some stylish input from this week's roundtable of Tom Scocca, Scott Claffee, and Jeanette Au.

We're pretty sure this is the only chart ever in the history of humankind to track the Pope, Rasputin, Pat O'Brien, SpongeBob SquarePants, Dr. Laura, Yoda, Richard Gere, and Jesus.

A recent reader report has us proudly announcing that, for the second time in just as many weeks, Ann Coulter has made contact with calories:

· We checked the date on this thing twice to make sure it wasn't another April Fool's prank: Is Jeff Gannon/James Guckert really Johnny Gosch, an Iowa boy who was kidnapped in 1982 by a "child pedophlia ring"? (As opposed to those geriatric pedophilia rings.) This is shaping up to be the most amazing TV movie LoGo ever hasn't made yet. [Des Moines Register]
· Elizabeth Spiers, founding editor of this website and current editor-in-chief of Mediabistro, looks at the end of Joyce Wadler's 'Boldface Names' tenure at The Times. [Salon]
· From the genius who brought you Jonathan Franzen-as-Charlie Brown comes 'The Adventures of Lethem and Chabon.' Or, as Ayelet Waldman calls it "My beautiful, wonderful husband and some other guy." [Book Lust, via Maud Newton]
· Al Gore unveils his new cable network and internet presence. And thank god! We have a whole file of jokes about how boring Gore is that have been collecting dust. We keep it... in... a lock box. See? [SF Chronicle]