For those of you worried that the avalanche of publicity stemming from background dancing impresario Kevin Federline's public dumping by longtime bling-enabler Britney Spears might cause a spike in demand for his L.A. live shows (hey, some of you might have incapacitating Glade-huffing habits that would allow you to think such a thing), this report from a concertgoing operative should put your drug-addled mind at ease, revealing that House of Blues staffers couldn't even give away tickets to K-Fed's upcoming, Wednesday night show, even when resorting to chicanery:

In a stirring statement of personal empowerment combining the best elements of the Emancipation Proclamation, "I Will Survive," and the distilled sentiments of Snoop Dogg's most poignant couplets, Us Weekly reports that soon-to-be Britney Spears ex-househusband Kevin Federline wiped away the tears from his world-shattering discovery that the wife who had patiently enabled the elevation of both his kick and watch games to levels of ridiculousness utterly unreachable by lesser background dancers was divorcing him, grabbed a Sharpie, and defiantly scrawled the following message on a dressing room mirror backstage at his recent Chicago House of Blues show:

According to this Fox News clip, Britain's News of the World (which, like Fox, is owned by NewsCorp, which we guess makes this more of an 'ad' than a news story), has offered K-Fed $50 million for a "four hour" tape of him playing chess with — oh, and boning — Britney on their honeymoon. Watch for more explainy-talk from the newsbots, plus some vintage Plastic Jumpsuit Tour stock footage.

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Watch as Federline explains his mad skills at luring ho's with nothing more than a few "culinary lessons" and a properly seasoned tomato soup. Listen as he describes the super power he most covets ("strength"), and what he would do were he granted said power ("fly"). Learn that K-Fed is actually "an interesting dude" who just hasn't figured out how to make "millions of dollars" off his own name. Clearly, the exhausted rodent spinning the tiny wheel in his brain had been working overtime that night, cooking up worst case scenario contingency plans should the unthinkable come to pass.

You'd think that during the fifteen minutes in which Kevin Federline enjoyed enough leverage to make any kind of backstage demands for his predictably underattended live performances, he'd at least try and see if he could send venues scrambling to find "Five (5) bitches of various ethnicities, drenched in baby oil" and a "One (1) Sub Zero refrigerator, equipped to dispense Cristal from its drinking water apparatus" for his appearances. The Smoking Gun, however, has revealed the surprisingly modest ridiculousness of his concert rider game, which makes requests for the expected cans of Red Bull, bottles of Jack Daniels and Grey Goose, and in what must be seen as a conscious attempt to establish a snack food identity distinct from that of his Cheeto-guzzling, soon-to-be ex-wife, bags of Doritos and BBQ chips. Perhaps the most interesting item on the list is the pair of aromatherapy candles, which we imagine are an indispensable part of his pre-performance preparation: their calming scents help him temporarily achieve a sense of happiness and well-being that will be shattered the moment he steps on stage and is quickly enveloped by the boos (or at best, ironic cheers) of a sparsely populated auditorium.

What, did you think "floppy toboggan" was some kind of sexual euphemism? Sicko. Observe: Three days in New York, and three (at least) instances of Britney Spears wearing the floppy toboggan of triumph. Kevin Federline may be the master of the Homburg (if not the Trilby), but his days of romping with this toboggan are finally over.

Kevin Federline took to the stage of Chicago's House of Blues last night as scheduled, just a day after being informed by text message that his studding and couch-warming services would no longer be required at the Spears Malibu compound. Playing to a packed house composed of a sprinkling of actual "fans" (of ironic pop culture appreciation in general), interspersed among hundreds more who accepted the last minute offer of free tickets in exchange for the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity of being able to point and laugh in person at the lone pimp on his day of curbside reckoning, Federline was quick to let the honeys in the crowd know that he was immediately available to be theirs for the taking:

We knew that by outsourcing our Britney Spears & K-Fed Sex Tape authentication needs to the cutting-edge porn-analysis lab over at sister site Fleshbot, we'd eventually get a reliable verdict about whether what we witnessed (over and over again, in the name of serious-minded research) was a loving video diary entry depicting one of the most intimate moments between an orally generous pop-star and her layabout, trucker-hatted househusband, or just a well-timed ruse meant to take advantage of yesterday's headline-grabbing divorce news. Unfortunately, Fleshbot has tracked down the source footage and come to the conclusion that the clip is a fake that preyed on our willingness to believe that a Spears-Federline sex tape could possibly be released into the world without K-Fed's official—and proud—profit participation. For a second straight day, the star-crossed couple has brought us nothing but unfathomable sadness. Would it have killed them to give us this small thing? No, it would not have.

• Rosario Dawson and Jason Lewis break up when he discovers she's actually a dude. [Hollyscoop]
  

Showing an admirable dedication to making sure that every possible angle in the Britney Spears divorce story is covered, Extra trekked all the way to the hinterlands of Fresno to interview—and we really hate to use the expression "we shit you not," but we really, really shit you not—the guy who owns the background dancing studio where the Artist Who Would One Day Be Known As K-Fed honed the Roger Rabbit and Running Man skills that would later propel him to international, pop-star-impregnating fame. This K-Pal helpfully confirms that Federline didn't hear he was dumped from Spears herself, and as any true friend would, pretends to believe that his fledgling music career can withstand the trauma of being separated from the reason he's famous in the first place. Unfortunately, investigative reporter Jerry Penacoli didn't think to ask Johnson to opine specifically on whether his longtime buddy would be able to maintain an acceptable level of ridiculousness in his watch and kick games in light of this profound personal setback.

Gee, K-Fed sure picked a good time to go on tour! And hot on the heels of his 20 percent sold out show in New York comes the news via TMZ that he is literally giving away tickets to his show tonight in Chicago. Too bad about that ironclad prenup, bub.

· While Britney Spears' lawyers were drafting divorce papers on Monday, Kevin Federline (who almost instantaneously acquired the moniker "Fed-Ex" since news of the split) was doing an interview with MuchMusic in support of the rap career which now, tragically, becomes his sole means of support not involving the "borrowing" of meal money from Sean Preston and Jayden James during his weekend visitation window. At some point during the interview, Federline received a text message, turned ashen, and left the table for half an hour, perhaps indicating that was the moment he learned his marriage was over, putting him only a year or so behind the average InTouch reader. In the above video of the scene, you can almost see the sparkle drain from his bling. [via PerezHilton]
· Federline brags that he would've been famous by now without Britney, then about the ridiculousness of his watch and kick games. We expect that both games will become somewhat less ridiculous once he starts selling off their parts for rent money. [Salon, ad-watching req'd]
· Will K-Fed use a custody battle to extract some of the money that the ironclad Massey prenup protecting Spears' pop-tart fortune prevents him from getting? Yes, we expect that he will, or he's going to have to sell one of the babies at the first unsupervised opportunity. Guy's gotta eat. [TMZ.com]
· If they were forced to pinpoint the exact moment that Britney's love for Kevin died, Us would pick that time Spears stormed out of his album release party at Xenii on Halloween. But really, there are so many to choose from that this is mostly a pointless exercise. [Us Weekly]

Just when we thought it was safe to finally stop thinking about the newly single Britney Spears for a few hours and watch the election returns, an IM from one of our porn-surfing spies arrived, directing us to a clip claiming to be the "Britney Spears & K-Fed Sex Tape," a 19-second scene starring what appears to be Spears herself (or a pretty good Spears-a-like—it still looks like her, even after dozens and dozens of viewings) enthusiastically administering a hearty hummer to her unseen then-househusband. Given the timing of the appearance of the footage, we assume that it's a highlight from the divorcing couple's rumored connubial sex production that a judge today ruled couldn't possibly hurt Spears' reputation, given that the pop-tartlet's brand is built on openly trading on her "modern sexuality." We may wake up to an inbox full of debunking messages, but for now, the video's conspicuously prominent title makes us think that we might soon be introduced to a website (like this one) hawking a product that finally shows us what Chaotic could have been had talent-hostile UPN not shortsightedly prevented the duo from thoroughly exploring the erotic possibilities of their handheld camerawork.



UPDATE: Filth-loving sister site Fleshbot is now proudly embedding the clip, in all its lusty, handjobbing glory.

TMZ.com breaks the tragic news the world has been patiently awaiting ever since it was revealed that Britney Spears would be following up her first, Vegas-binge-enabled marriage with an even more ill-advised one to a background dancer with the ability to impregnate his better-employed companions with nothing more than a smirking, sidelong glance: She's finally divorcing househusband Kevin Federline, a move that should surprise no one save a single, shotgun-married Inland Empire couple too busy with their trailer park meth lab to realize that some unions are doomed from their poorly conceived, impossibly white-trashy start. Spears wants the kids—both of them, even the old, slightly damaged one!—an arrangement we'll assume is fine with Federline, who will have no problem restocking his shorty supply with the help of the lone groupie who shows up to each stop on his whirlwind, sparsely attended concert tour.

Whatever we may have said about feeling sorry for the chap, we take it back. A reader sends in some snapshots from his (not cancelled!) show Saturday night at Webster Hall, and, well, let's just say they don't exactly inspire sympathy.

• Kevin Federline gets mocked to his face at his own album release party and fails to notice. Do you ever feel kind of jealous of really stupid people? Like, nothing can hurt them. [cityrag]
  

After last weekend's Page Six report that Kevin Federline's show at Webster Hall tomorrow night was selling poorly, we urged you, our readers, to hurry up and buy tickets so K-Fed wasn't standing there all by his lonesome. Well, we heard nary a peep about the show all week, and today a reader asked:

Yesterday afternoon, we urged you to check out hip-hop/househusbanding impresario Kevin Federline's live performance at the West Hollywood Halloween Costume Carnaval, partly because the crushing crowd and anonymity afforded by your costume would make any legal reprisals for hurling empty Red Bull cans on stage exceedingly difficult, and partly because we suspect his musical career will burn so brightly and so quickly that you won't have too many other opportunities to see him ply his trade in public. The Defamer Special Correspondent on Background Dancers Struggling With the Difficult Transition to the Foreground reports that K-Fed's WeHo appearance unfolded exactly as we'd all suspected it would:

Sales may not be brisk for Kevin Federline's upcoming East Coast dates, but he's all but guaranteed an enthusiastic hometown welcome when he takes the KIIS FM Stage at tonight's West Hollywood Halloween Carnaval at 8:45. The appearance comes in support of his album, "Playing With Fire," which had its nicely timed debut on record store shelves and iTunes today. ("Be the first to write a review," Apple's online music store plaintively solicits, as K-Fed stares out blankly from behind a desk on his album cover, as though he were hosting one of his own inevitably underattended CD signings.) And while coming to the festivities dressed up as Britney's background-dancing babydaddy might seem so, like, 2005, we'd encourage last-minute costume scramblers to throw on the wife beater, baggy pants, and baseball cap, and show up anyway, taking the stage behind their inspiration as his backing chorus line of high-kicking, hip-hopping K-Fedettes.