You would think having Tom Cruise pull you around a sealed-off FAO Schwartz by your ponytail would be 27th birthday gift enough, but as it turns out, that was just the beginning:

Later today, those with access to a television (and, it goes without saying, a handful of antidepressants) can tune in and see what happened when Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes dropped by Ellen DeGeneres' place to gab about the Miracle Baby with their favorite galpal:

• Page Six claims to have seen a picture of Lindsay Lohan's friend bringing the starlet a pregnancy test while she rests at a Miami hospital. Because hospital pregnancy tests just aren't as reliable as an E.P.T. [Page Six]
• An attempt to patch things up with Katie Holmes' parents doesn't go well for Tom Cruise, and the couple leave the family home earlier than planned. Thetans just don't have the time to deal with that sort of bullshit, y'know? [Scoop]
• Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen filed for divorce yesterday. We'd mock them but, after they initially separated, they actually tried to work things out for their kids. So now it's just kind of sad. Like Platoon. [Page Six]
• Howard Stern's daughter Emily drops out of a Kabbalah play, in which she would appear nude, after concerns that pictures would end up on the internet. Damn you, bloggers. [Lowdown]
• Vincent Pastore is being sued for by his former fianc e, Lisa Regina, who is seeking $5 million after being physically and emotionally abused by "Big Pussy." Lord, if we could sue a pussy for all it's put us through... [Cindy Adams]
• The White House continues to withhold information from full congressional oversight regarding its stance on scallops. [R&M]

Perhaps the most delicious thing about the first days of a new year is the sense of wonder and discovery that accompanies every "first" presented to our reborn self. Imagine, if you will, our childlike, wide-eyed reaction (not totally dissimilar to a four-year-old learning the effects of biting a hot burner on the stovetop) to the first Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes relationship news of 2006, which took a pokey five days to reach the world. According to Life & Style, Cruise and Holmes may (always a pretty big "may") have put their marriage plans on hold after a botched make-good session with Katie's family over the holidays:

When last we checked in with darling-faced actor Chris Klein, he was waxing misogynistic with a rapt Elle reporter about his hobby of telling the women he sleeps with they look fat, while cautiously side stepping any questions about his ex-fiancee Katie Holmes, her engagement to Tom Cruise, or her meticulously constructed habitat at the Scientology Zoo and Nature Preserve. Now Klein says he has declined even to send Katie something fuzzy for her little bundle of contractual obligation on the way:

"Look, do you have any idea how many calls I had to make to get FAO Schwarz for your birthday party? OK, it was one, and someone at the Centre made it, but that's not the point. You are going. To eat. This cake. I know that you're watching your figure, but you're supposed to be pregnant, remember? There's plenty of room underneath that stomach pad for a couple of more pounds. If anything, it'll be more convincing if you actually put on some weight. No? You're not going to eat this cake? Oh, missy, I think you are. Check your contract. Yes, I realize I say that a lot, but I wouldn't have to if you weren't so resistant to improvising every once in a while.. Now when I grab a fistful of your hair, and I'm not going to lie, it's gonna hurt a bit because I'm a little amped up right now— you open your mouth like a good girl and get ready for a faceful of the finest Fudgey the Whale money can buy. Oh, don't worry about the candles. They'll go out before your skinny face hits the cake."

Call it Dawson's Curse: wherever they are, ex-cast members of Dawson's Creek are haunted by the Question. No setting is too inappropriate: Joshua Jackson was asked in a public men's room. Now Michelle Williams, under the auspices of a Newsweek interview about her performance in Brokeback Mountain, once again falls victim to its pernicious prying:

• Increasingly tired of footing the bill for her baby daddy's chav-luxe lifestyle, Britney Spears is attempting to repossess the $200k Ferrari she bought for husband Kevin Federline. We assume she'll still pay for his current room and board at the Beverly Hills Hotel, however, which kinda takes away from the effect of his punishment. [Page Six]
• Predictably, the source of the rumors of Jessica Simpson's infidelity may have come from her assistant, CaCee. Never trust someone who can't spell her own name right. [Lowdown]
• If Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes's virgin birth produces a son, will that make him Scientology's baby Jesus? [Scoop]
• It's not that we're bothered by supermodel Gisele Bundchen's insistence that her ass remain covered. It's that she consistently refers to it as her "booty." [Page Six]
• At the Museum of Moving Image's tribute to Ron Howard, an impromptu roast of Russell Crowe ensues. Maybe Russell wouldn't have stolen the spotlight if Opie weren't so damn boring. [R&M]

Pretty much any prankster with a keyboard and a rudimentary ability to fill out web forms can whip up a fake online celebrity-wedding registry, but it seems that the British Sun really, really wanted to believe that the "top secret" Tom Cruise-Katie Holmes Neiman Marcus gift list (complete with Oct. 21, 2006 D-date) was the real deal. The entire Neiman registry site is now down, but the JustJared blog
preserved the page, allowing us all to window-shop for the usual collection of crystal, table settings, and linens that the gazillionaire lovers certainly need. Unfortunately, Neiman Marcus seems woefully unprepared for the eventuality of a genuine Cruise-Holmes registry, as nary a platinum-plated e-meter, the perfect gift for the pseudospiritual, psychiatry-eschewing couple who have everything, can be found.

Hollywood PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are authored by our readers; send yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put “sighting” or “PrivacyWatch” in the subject line) and let the world know that Vince Vaughn doesn't open Jennifer Aniston's car door.

When it comes to setting a firm wedding date with Katie Holmes, Tom Cruise is very much of the "what's the rush?" philosophy. Gone are the devil may care couch acrobatics of yestermonth. Instead, we find a new, measured Tom, a Tom of reason, who before making any rash "official" gestures, appears to be taking the wait-and-see approach to the little bundle of, um, something on the way.

Sweetfaced Chris Klein, who just two posts ago was mingling among movie premiere commonfolk with a weird-looking Suzanne Somers lookalike on his arm, on the surface comes across like the world's WASPiest mensch. Not so, it would appear, as an interview with Elle has revealed Katie Holmes' ex to be nothing short of a boorish, despicable cad!

Because we're in the business of breathlessly passing along all Katie Holmes-related news, especially items pertaining to the career-strangling Miracle Baby now growing in her womb, we present this tidbit from the always-reliable British tabloid press:

Perhaps inspired by yesterday's news that Chris Klein doesn't blame Tom Cruise for the disintegration of his engagement to Katie Holmes, an intrepid Defamer operative delved even further into the actress's past, accosting Joshua Jackson, Holmes's ex-boyfriend and Dawson's Creek co-star last night. Says our man on the bathroom beat:

Perhaps filled with the joy of impending parenthood and feeling momentarily generous, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes allowed Holmes's ex-fiancé Chris Klein some time outside of their dungeon. The former actor stretched his legs, enjoyed the sunlight, and assured the world that Cruise had nothing to do with their break-up:

Hollywood PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are authored by our visually gifted readers; send yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put “sighting” or “PrivacyWatch” in the subject line, unless you want us to lose your hard work) and let the world know about your latest brush with Tarantino at Roscoe's or Clooney at Dan Tana's.

• Lindsay Lohan is about to officially announce her relationship with Jared Leto, which we suspect will be consummated with a paparazzi-fuelled car crash. Let's just hope sensitive Jordan Catalano can handle the sting of an airbag. [Gatecrasher (2nd item)]
• The delay in Katie Holmes's wedding to Tom Cruise is reportedly over pre-nup negotiations. Holmes's father is representing her and reportedly playing "hardball," meaning that when this tragic union finally ends, Holmes might walk with the cash but not the Xenu. [Scoop]
• Stavros Niarchos — former flame of Mary-Kate Olsen and current fuckpet of Paris Hilton — gives a homeless man $100 to dump a soda on himself. So classy, so sensitive — no wonder Paris enjoys his company. [Page Six]
• Rapper Ice-T suggests confronting bitchy Apprentice cast-off Omarosa with a gun. Meanwhile, NYPD begins filing reports in anticipation. [Lowdown]
• Hotelier (and accessory to Uma Thurman) Andre Balazs is rumored to be selling the Chateau Marmont for $45 million. Thankfully, a low bid from Soho House was denied — we'd hate for our members-only clubs to divert their attention from us for even one second. [Page Six]

Stop the presses and interrupt your regular programming: The Today show this morning had an exclusive, groundbreaking, you-wish-you'd-set-the-TiVo interview with none other than Katie Holmes. And, of course, it's the kind of hard-hitting reporting you expect from America's most-watched TV news division.

No! No! We refuse to believe this, and we wouldn't put it past anyone at Life & Style to get all crazy with the Photoshop. Hell, you can buy fake pregnancy bellies at any good costume shop. This is simply NOT REAL. What you are seeing is a fabrication, a satanic mirage, and we're only trying to warn you. DO NOT LOOK DIRECTLY AT THE LIFE & STYLE.

Upcoming DVD releases: