• Oh, Lindsay Lohan. Not content with a mere nipslip, the actress goes for a full-on cheekslip at the Kids' Choice Awards. Chances are, kids didn't choose to see celebrity buttflap. [IDon'tLikeYou]
• Tom Cruise conveniently pushes back his forthcoming marriage to Katie Holmes, delaying the nuptials until after the baby is born and Mission Impossible 3 premieres and hell freezes over. [AP]
• Madonna is reportedly looking for a home in Safed, Israel, where Kabbalah was born and the bathtubs run with blessed water. [Scoop (2nd item)]
• Rosie O'Donnell knows that Star Jones poops soup. Yeah, you heard her right. [Gatecrasher (2nd item)]
• After realizing nobody really cares to see her naked or listen to her speak about Israel, verbally incontinent actress Sharon Stone decides to hit the recording studio. [Page Six]
• Spiderman star Tobey Maguire looks to buy in the West Village — now that he's supposedly lost the weight, Manhattan will greet him with open arms. [Lowdown (3rd to last)]
• Thanks to your parents and other out-of-town guests, Tavern on the Green is the highest-grossing restaurant in the country. [Page Six]
• A crazed "fan" confronts Howard Stern and girlfriend Beth Ostrovsky — even more frighteningly, we're pretty sure the fan did not use Gawker Stalker to find the couple. [NYDN]

• Finally, the first not-squishy photos of little Violet Garner-Affleck have emerged. Aw, how cute — it's baby's first real invasion of privacy. Welcome to the world, little one! [The Cooler]
• Katie Holmes receives her 6-foot cue cards reminding her to not make a noise while her forthcoming baby rips through her vagina and out into the world. [Sun UK]
• BlackBook goes to SXSW with a whole roster of questions pulled from vintage copies of Tiger Beat. The result? Lots of uncomfortable indie boys. [BlackBook]
• Mr. Belding, just because we can. [The Apiary]
• We've received a press release announcing that houseboy Kevin Federline has finally come up with a title for his debut album: Playing With Fire. It's OK to get a little excited — we won't tell.
• Joseph Gordon Levitt attempts to understand the paparazzi, bless his little heart. [You Tube]

With the suspicious birth of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' first offspring (or, if you're more prone to conspiracy, the final removal of the false stomach, pillow, or watemelon that's been strapped to her midsection the last few months) supposedly imminent, the paparazzi and tabloid press are on high alert for any sign of impending baby-expulsion. Always the leaders in gossip technology, the British Sun claims to have caught friends of the couple delivering the copious signage allegedly involved in the shadowy, much-whispered-about Scientology "silent birth" technique:

People.com claims that this photo (screenshot above) of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes depicts America's Most Suspicious Couple exiting a "Beverly Hills medical building," but a sharp-eyed reader tipped us that it's part of a set of images of Cruise and Holmes at his son's baseball game last week. More troubling than the possible recontextualization of the photo is our paranoid fear that Cruise seems to be to traveling with a war-bride body-double wearing what appears to be a five-dollar wig and a poorly constructed rubber Katie mask, perhaps allowing him to take in a ball game without stirring up separation rumors while his pregnant fiancée remains back at the compound, where she can work with her silent-birthing coach to prepare for her imminent fake delivery.

When he's not (allegedly!) making humorless threats to his corporate employers or publicly demonstrating his passion for his war-bride-to-be for 50,000 captive baseball fans, Tom Cruise is unafraid to show off his action-star stunt chops to meet his personal appearance obligations. Yesterday, Cruise traveled north to Yahoo's HQ in Sunnyvale, where he delighted the company's employees with his A-list presence. Well, delighted some of them, as an SFist tipster wasn't quite buying in to the Tom-and-Katie show:

At the risk of completely sacrificing this St. Patrick's Day on the altar of All Things Cruise-Related, an operative submitted this report from last night's premiere of Thank You For Smoking, which, of course, stars Cruise fianc e and onetime actress Katie Holmes. It seems that Holmes was too busy with JumboTron PDAs down in Anaheim to join her castmates at the event, and our man-on-the-scene speculates that the "Hollywood establishment" (and her director) didn't miss her one bit:

Not content to have already wreaked havoc on the institution of America's Sweetheart by plucking Katie Holmes from a promising acting career and transforming her into the world's most famous watermelon smuggler, Cruise took steps to spoil America's Pastime by splashing his suspicious relationship all over Anaheim's JumboTron. Says an operative at last night's US vs. Mexico WBC game:

Ever since Tom Cruise decided to demote publisister Le Anne DeVette and hire a flack who won't let the star chew through his restraints and seek out the first television camera ready to capture his latest manic thoughts on his suspicious relationship or distaste for psychiatry, the frequently unreliable tabloid press has been our main conduit for Cruise-related news. Today's Rush & Molloy column cites a National Enquirer report claiming that in early July, Cruise and Scientology war-bride-to-be Katie Holmes tied the knot while at sea, miles away from where anyone could hear her scream:

• We have no idea if these pictures are from a sex tape involving Nicole Lenz and Paris Hilton or not, but we imagine some of you pervs out there will spend the rest of the evening doing your best determine their authenticity. [Yeeeah (NSFW)]
• Video Link #1: We so fucking hate it when those high and might Other Music clerks look at us like we're ape-people just because we don't know what Boogbytes are. [Stereogum]
• Video Link #2: What if Access Hollywood and other similar celebrity crap shows were about regular people? [Post Show]
• Has Showtime made a home for Arrested Development? If so, color us pissed: we pride ourselves on only subscribing to HBO. [Better Than Fudge]
• There's odds on the name of baby TomKat — win our hearts and place all of your beer money on Goose. [The Reeler]
• Meanwhile, Katie Holmes' father, perhaps angry at what his little girl has become, asks Columbia to refund his nonrefundable $500 deposit that he made for his daughter eight years ago. [TMZ]
• On Craigslist, honesty is just about the worst policy. [Craigslist]

You have to respect Life & Style's huge set of balls. Their new issue responds to Tom Cruise's official denial of a break-up and Scary Hollywood Lawyer Bert Fields' legal saber rattling by extending a defiant middle finger to all who would doubt their truth-spreading network of "insiders." Their website teases this week's story (the cover tag line: "They're acting like a happy couple in public, but in private friends say IT'S GETTING NASTY!") with some dirt about the suspicious couple's recent mage rehab trip to Australia:

Shortly after the official denial of last week's Cruise-Holmes break-up story in Life &Style, Scary Hollywood Lawyer Bert Fields took some time off from nervously clacking the metal balls on his desk toy while monitoring the updates in the Anthony Pellicano wiretapping trial to publicly muse about suing the magazine for temporarily upsetting his client's suspicious domestic bliss:

America's Most Suspicious Couple used the opportunity of the Sydney memorial service for media baron Kerry Packer to reassure the world that Life & Style's infamous break-up story is nothing but malicious fallacies. After he dumped longtime publicist Pat Kingsley, Cruise spent last summer flailing through the amateur guidance of publisister LeAnne DeVette, but now, under the protective wing of flack Paul Bloch, the star seems to be regaining his footing on the tricky terrain of media manipulation. Note how in the first picture the combination of light physical contact and Holmes' cradling of her swollen belly indicates some level of physical intimacy, but the neutral position of Cruise's free arm seems to balk at claiming responsibility for the life growing in the nearby womb. In the second photo, the couple embraces with their typical unease, giving Holmes the opportunity to flash her engagement ring and remind us that a contract (whether romantic or otherwise) is still in place. In just two surprisingly efficient images, the partners return to the uncomfortable status quo that is the hallmark of their public relationship, free of the tyranny of break-up gossip. All in all, a situation very nicely played by our favorite, suspect young lovers.

The denial about today's Life & Style story on the split of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, as expected, was swift:

Life & Style has just detonated a Valentine's Day dirty bomb on Hollywood's doorstep, boldly announcing the imminent end of Hollywood's Most Suspicious Couple on its cover. Of course, we must always keep our bullshit detectors set to "what the fuck?" in the aftermath of such breathless glossy-rag reportage, but the mind nonetheless reels from the possibility of a coming gossip apocalypse. The details according to L&S:

We've got the city blanketed with operatives ready to keep us up-to-date on Katie Holmes' every coffee-shop visit; we've found these fleeting moments of relative peace in an otherwise hyperscrutinized existence to be valuable opportunities for sympathizing with the plight of the world's most famous prisoner of love. A spy encountered Holmes returning to Peet's on the Sunset Strip this morning, and offered this report:

Mining its incredible network of loose-lipped "friends" of America's Most Suspicious Couple, Life & Style Weekly claims to have gotten some insider insight into Tom Cruise's nefarious plans for his heavy-with-improbable-child finacée:

An operative contributes this report for our continuing series tracking the caffeine intake of improbably pregnant Tom Cruise fiancée-for-a-billion-years Katie Holmes, who showed up last night for a fix of high-end jitter-juice close to the Paramount lot, where her contractual life-partner is shooting Mission: Impossible 3. Says the spy:

A drunkenly tapped out entry in our Sundance memo list reading "chk katie sex missing" suddenly seems a lot less cryptic, as many outlets are reporting (here's LAist's) that Katie Holmes' Thank Your For Smoking sex scene was "mysteriously" cut from the festival's print. Naturally, this lead to much conspiracy theory talk, but the (official) explanation was ultimately mundane. From the LAT:

• A sex scene involving Katie Holmes and Aaron Eckhart has been mysteriously removed from the film Thank You For Smoking, currently showing at Sundance. Never underestimate the editing powers of OT-VIIs. [Page Six]
• As Howard Stern's replacement, David Lee Roth has had a hard time winning over listeners — but not as hard of a time as he has getting his staff to tolerate him. [Lowdown]
• Shar Jones enacts revenge on Britney Spears, who stole her baby-daddy Kevin Federline, by sleeping with Spears' first husband, 48-hour Vegas mistake Jason Alexander. And that, children, is the story of syphilis. [Page Six]
• Billionaire Ron Perelman divorces his fourth wife — actress Ellen Barkin — and is rumored to be rekindling with his second wife, Claudia Cohen. Wives #1 and 3 wait patiently in the wings. [R&M]
• Cokey supermodel Kate Moss signs a $1.8 million deal for the rights to her autobiography. Sayeth the Braunstein: "It is a symbol of a true victim when you get the book rights."

Lost in the commotion of yesterday's wall-to-wall Golden Globes coverage was this rare reader sighting of a seemingly unsupervised, visibly pregnant Katie Holmes grabbing some alone time at a local coffee shop: