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When we wake up to multiple Tom Cruise-related items spread across various gossip rags, we are forced to revert to the round-up form to handle the onslaught:

· Fox 411's Roger Friedman moves down the list of Things That Make Us Suspicious About Tom Cruise And Katie Holmes from "Why haven't we seen that damn baby yet?" to "Hey, aren't those crazy kids supposed to get married eventually?" by amplifying "chatter" that the wedding "could take place between now and the end of this weekend." Pretending for a minute that the rumor has a chance of being true, that's preciously little time to work though all the still-unanswered questions: Will it be a Scientology service, or will Catholic-raised Katie Holmes have a priest on hand to experience the affront to the sacrament? Will the ceremony be held at Cruise's Beverly Hills compound, at the Celebrity Centre, or on the intergalactic clipper ship L.Ron Hubbard designed years ago in anticipation of this happy event? Will Katie's disapproving parents simply not be invited, or will they be placed in a Lucite box suspended above a tank full of hungry sharks as they're forced to witness their daughter's big day? We could go on, but we don't want to waste time we could be spending scouring various wedding websites for their fake registries. We think they'd really like a nice salad bowl. [Fox 411]

Meanwhile, Us Weekly reports that Scientology war bride-to-be Katie Holmes recently took a meeting at CAA—without Cruise, look at how independent and non-mind-controlled she is!—to discuss the next step in her career. We foresee a future in which Holmes goes out on a series of auditions in which directors conspiratorially whisper, "Come on, between us, he's put some kind of microchip in your brain, right? Blink twice for yes, we'll take you in the other room and soak your head in a tub of ice water until we short it out, then put you on a private jet to Switzerland. " [Us Weekly]
Rehab has awakened Cruise Minority Report co-star Colin Farrell's puckish sense of humor, as he taunts Matt Lauer with accusations about his glib interviewing style. [NY Daily News]
· Also: Seriously, still no fucking baby.