• Colin Farrell and Playmate Nicole Narain have successfully shut down dirtycolin.com, the site that was offering the duo's sex tape for $14.95. Obviously, if Narain is to get her well-deserved cut of the profits, we should be paying no less than $24.99 for a look. [R&M]
• We're not upset that Vanity Fair editor Graydon Carter has an SUV. We are, however, positively dismayed to learn that it bears a bumper sticker. What is this, fucking Great Neck? [Page Six]
• Howard Stern's offspring, Emily, is now suing the Jewish Theater of New York regarding their use of her photos to promote Kabbalah — the play which she dropped out of after her father expressed concerns about her appearing naked. Really, her hissy fit is the best promotion any theater could by. [Lowdown]
• At the funeral for her adopted mother, Naomi Campbell was so dismayed by the mortician's makeup job that she wiped it all off and redid the woman's makeup herself. Interesting way to show your softer side. [Page Six]
• Magalogue Shop Etc. brings REAL LIVE BOOBIES to the Today show. [MSNBC]

• Page Six claims to have seen a picture of Lindsay Lohan's friend bringing the starlet a pregnancy test while she rests at a Miami hospital. Because hospital pregnancy tests just aren't as reliable as an E.P.T. [Page Six]
• An attempt to patch things up with Katie Holmes' parents doesn't go well for Tom Cruise, and the couple leave the family home earlier than planned. Thetans just don't have the time to deal with that sort of bullshit, y'know? [Scoop]
• Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen filed for divorce yesterday. We'd mock them but, after they initially separated, they actually tried to work things out for their kids. So now it's just kind of sad. Like Platoon. [Page Six]
• Howard Stern's daughter Emily drops out of a Kabbalah play, in which she would appear nude, after concerns that pictures would end up on the internet. Damn you, bloggers. [Lowdown]
• Vincent Pastore is being sued for by his former fianc e, Lisa Regina, who is seeking $5 million after being physically and emotionally abused by "Big Pussy." Lord, if we could sue a pussy for all it's put us through... [Cindy Adams]
• The White House continues to withhold information from full congressional oversight regarding its stance on scallops. [R&M]

• The reports from New Year's in Miami are predictable: Lohan hospitalized, Mischa Barton and Cisco Adler fight over Mr. Bongjangles, Vin Diesel acts hetero, and Nicole Richie awkwardly poses for "promotional purposes" with ex-fiancé DJ AM. What, exactly, were they promoting? The dangers of celebrity engagements? [Page Six]
• Enrique Iglesias spent New Year's entertaining the sons of Libyan dictator Moammar Khadafy, but the feds were too busy tapping your phone line to notice. [R&M]
• Cutbacks at the Times leads to the close of the nurse's office. Alas, no more Snoopy band-aids for Punch. [Page Six]
• After calling in Kabbalah ghostbusters to cleanse her "haunted" London home, Gwyneth Paltrow is diagnosed as officially retarded. [Scoop]
• Amanda Peet flips off a smiley fan in the East Village. Just like any native New Yorker would, really. [Lowdown]

• Lindsay Lohan hasn't really given much thought to attending college. Surprising, we know, but think about it: She's already got four years of heavy binge drinking under her belt. What could higher education possibly have to offer? [Gatecrasher (2nd item)]
• If you're going to write a graphic roman clef about your affair with former Times editor Howell Raines, have you any choice but to call it Touched by Ink-Stained Hands? Clearly not. [Page Six]
• Celebs like Paris Hilton don't take Kabbalah seriously enough, prompting Madonna to choke them with her red string. [Scoop]
• Congrats to Us Weekly EIC Janice Min, who's expecting her second child. So many choices for her new baby's name: Tomkat, Federletus, Vaughniston, Brangelina... [Page Six]
• Lloyd Grove gets snippy with WWD's Jeff Bercovici. They'll be meeting under the old willow tree at 4 P.M. to settle things once and for all. [Lowdown (last item)]

As part of Today's "Mysterious Faiths" series, this morning Katie Couric interviewed Jamie Green, a representative of the LA-based Kabbalah Centre. And not unlike a perky Rottweiler with a gristly T-bone in its maw, there was one question Katie would not let the shul's shill hora around through vague references to "coming into the light" and "universal wisdoms." Namely, who is pocketing the 26 bucks they collect per red-string bracelet sold? His answer was ready. And long:

• Madonna annouces that if we all don't give up our wicked ways, we'll all go to hell. From slatternly songstress to earth mother to English lady to evangelical Kabbalahist, is there anyone this woman can't be? And are we going to see Madge burning copies of her own records? [R&M]
• Will innocent Kirsten Dunst head down the path of Lindsay Lohan? Allegedly the starlet has been spending a bit too much time with the Boone's, thus reigniting our flame of hope that Jake Gyllenhaal will leave her drunk ass and be our boyfriend instead. [Page Six]
• The crew from Lil' Kim's last video shoot has yet to be paid, perhaps because all the money has gone to bribing her wardens. [Lowdown]
• The new James Bond, British actor Daniel Craig, is scared of water and press conferences. [Scoop]
• Guess Page Six gets the same press-releases-as-celeb-sightings as we do. [Page Six]

• You may mock Ashton Kutcher's choice of headwear for his wedding attire, but be aware that the white fedora is the yarmulke of choice for Kabbalahists everywhere. [Oh No They Didn't]
• Fanciful Gawker alum Choire Sicha takes 3000 words of the Observer's precious pink space to tell you that which you already know: He's a big 'mo cruising public restrooms for love. [NYO]
• Cynthia Nixon and her lover, presented without comment. We don't think our words could do the union justice. [JJB]
• Camel toads are a rare breed, often found hiding in the warm, soggy crotches of ill-advised stretch pants. [Revo1]
• Somebody better tell this bitch to close her legs. [CNN]
• The artist in her element: Paris Hilton pretends to record her album. [Hello]
• And, because one Paris link is simply not enough: Simple Life cancelled mid-production? [WoW]

• Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson issue the standard denial in response to yesterday's celebrity weekly bukkake over their break-up; Us Weekly stands by their report. Perhaps the denial has something to do with that exclusive contract Simpson signed with OK!, which apparently guarantees the mag exclusive rights to all Simpson coverage. As if anyone's going to care once OK! "breaks" this story. [Page Six]
• Madonna is reportedly trying to convince Oprah Winfrey to convert to Kabbalah. If, God forbid, this happens, it's only a few short episodes of Oprah until the entire world has fallen under the red-string spell. [R&M]
• Bespectacled hostess Georgette Mosbacher agrees to throw the book party for Michael Gross's 740 Park, which exposes the inner-workings of the absurdly wealthy cattery. Naturally, Morsbachers socialite friends are horrified, just horrified. [Lowdown]
• Kevin Federline is a fantastic baby daddy but, it seems, a decidedly less-than-fantastic daddy. We're sure once he leaves Britney, he'll be much better to the little Federletus. [Scoop]
• Everyone on West 71st Street hates their neighbor, Today co-host Ann Curry. And you thought that on-camera schtick was just a persona. [Page Six]

Hollywood's dueling celebrity-positive cults inclusionary spiritual inspiration societies may be locked in a high-stakes battle for Oprah Winfrey's eternal soul. While Scientology seems to have recently made a play for Winfrey's attention, everyone's favorite magic-water swillers/red-string models have brought out their big gun in hopes of beaming their Light™ directly into the minds of America's hausfraus:

• Not even a week after Paris Hilton officially announced the break-off of her engagement to Paris Latsis, the heiress has been spotted skanking around with Stavros Niarchos, aka Mary-Kate Olsen's boyfriend. If our little squirrel twin goes into an anorexic tailspin because of this, we will kill Hilton with our bare hands. Bitch. [Page Six]
• Because everyone (but you) has a book deal, CNN's silver hearthrob Anderson Cooper is reportedly pulling around $1 million for a memoir of the past year of his life. Even more amazing: The furious bidding war for Cooper's tome was sparked by, well, nothing — there's no proposal, no outline, just the magic of Coop. [Lowdown]
• What's up with Lindsay Lohan's crankypants? They certainly don't fit her well, especially now that she's eating. [Page Six]
• Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore may be legally married, but their crackpot Kabbalah rabbi wasn't ordained — meaning their union is less kosher than a pulled pork sandwich.
• When things don't go well at Damon Dash's America mag, the Roc-a-fella co-founder throws punches. [R&M]

Somewhere deep in the bowels of their Beverly Hills headquarters, a Star Chamber of red-cloaked Kabbalic High Priests is sharing a jubilant, demented, crescendoing laugh: Saturday night, Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore (or as they refer to her, 'our Rosemary') tied the knot, aka 'smashed the glass.' Us Weekly claims the scoop, and we're inclined to give it to them, lest they solicit our 13-year-old ass for sex over the internet, too:

After spending two development seasons discovering that merely being Jewish didn't guarantee the pick-up of one of his sitcom pilots, LAT Sunday Hollywood opinion-haver Joel Stein briefly thrusts himself into the bosoms of Scientology and Kabbalah. Stein finds the hot fake-Jewesses of the K-Centre preferable to the tasty brunch of the Celeb Centre, leading to some truly disturbing red-string cockring and handjob imagery:

With all of the attention that Scientology's been attracting from Tom Cruise's recent run-ins with the media, we'd assumed that the Kabbalah Centre had decided that Hollywood wasn't big enough for two money-gobbling inclusionary spiritual inspiration societies, packed up their Zohars, magic water, and candles that smell like God, and moved to Nebraska. But suddenly and inexplicably (does anyone really give a shit about Esther, Demi, and the Kootch anymore?), Kabbalah's so over that it might be coming back, with 20/20 and Radar magazine putting the screws to the Centre. (Didn't cutting-edge outlets like The New Republic and The NY Post go there, like, a year ago?)

Yet another sign that your inclusive spiritual inspiration society is losing its heat: A movie studio is willing to spend 100K to erase its vestiges from your movie. MSNBC's Jeanette Walls reports that test audiences were so turned off by Ashton Kutcher's red string Kabbalah bracelet that Sony digitally removed it from the final cut of Guess Who. While this anecdote is certainly amusing, it's revealed a crucial weakness in the evil eye force-field that the bracelet supposedly provides. It seems that the string's bad-mojo-deflecting properties are dissipated by film, so the next you have a negative thought about a celebrity Kabbalist, make sure you focus that energy on a photographic image of them—if you give them the evil eye in person, it will likely just bounce off and strike a nearby Christian or (actual) Jew.

How the mighty have fallen. Back in the day, Madonna would only be caught dead in a nun's habit if she had splashed blood all over the crotch and stapled half a baby doll to it, with some stigmata on her hands for good, if somewhat symbolically suspect, measure. Now she's been reduced to showing up at Kabbalah costume parties in a half-hearted nod to her publicity-mongering roots. Sad. Maybe Guy Ritchie's got an altar boy strapped to an inflatable phallus that looks like the Pope's hat? Please? We desperately need something to believe in.

How do you know that your inclusive spiritual inspiration society (read: cult) might be losing its heat? Its expensive, sacred texts are winding up on eBay at a fraction of their original cost. An eBay store on Beverly Blvd has this online listing for a previously-owned ("All of the books in the set are in good condition, with no underlining or tampering with any of the pages. The bindings are all in very good condition.") edition of the Zohar, Kabbalah's magical tome. With a current bid of $86 against its full retail price of $415, you can't afford to pass up this bargain. As cynical enemies of light, we can't confirm the claim that merely having the Zohar in your studio apartment will be good for landing at least three auditions a month, but what are you going to spend the money on otherwise, some weed and a bag of Fritos? Yeah, we thought so. See you at the Centre with your smart, attractively leather-bound God receptacles.

MSNBC's Jeannette Walls reports that Leonardo DiCaprio is joining the tsunami relief effort. Bully for him, celebrities care, etc etc. (Apparently, he's the only one harboring fond memories of The Beach). The Kabbalah Centre, meanwhile, is rushing 10,000 litres of their magical water to the tsunami victims. Rimshot coming: They've also pledged 50,000 tons of enchanted Kabbalah rubble, 400 tons of blessed Kabbalah splinters from ruined bungalows, and 15 bags of
of wet sand personally touched by Madonna.

At the risk of turning this space into a Brunch with the Brainwashed, we note that the Kabbalah Centre is ponying up for a set of $2 million houses in Beverly Hills for the Berg family, the organization's Chief Bringers of the Light. We've expended a lot of words on skepticism about the Centre and its apparent profiteering, but in this case we'd like to express our admiration for their restraint. These are pretty modest digs for cult leaders. With all of the money they're bringing in, the Bergs could've gone for a David Geffen-style pleasuredome, with fifteen gold hot tubs, an Olympic-sized pool filled with magic, healing Kabbalah water, and a dinner bell that summons Madonna for an impromptu medley of her greatest hits. Join us in applauding their Beverly Hills asceticism.

There's no clearer indication that your cult's influence is on the wane than when its merchandise winds up in the bargain bin at your local mall's potpourri-and-sweater-set emporium. We've seen this before, when we came across a basket full of "I Brake for L.Ron" trucker hats at Urban Outfitters two Christmases ago.

The promotional website for the Kabbalah Centre's creepy how-to manual, The 72 Names of God, has a form for discovering your personal "72 Name," the "secret weapon for facing major life issues and difficult situations connected to our destiny." Unfortunately, the form doesn't seem to use a computer program to determine one's magical Name. We plugged in our info and e-mail address over an hour ago and have yet to receive an answer—it probably takes time for the request to reach the basement of the Kabbalah Centre, where a Name-determining sweatshop staffed by indentured mactress servants open The Big Book Of Kabbalah Names, insert a cramped, overworked finger, and then e-mail back the result. We really hope our 72 Name is Steve. We always wanted to be a Steve.