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The promotional website for the Kabbalah Centre's creepy how-to manual, The 72 Names of God, has a form for discovering your personal "72 Name," the "secret weapon for facing major life issues and difficult situations connected to our destiny." Unfortunately, the form doesn't seem to use a computer program to determine one's magical Name. We plugged in our info and e-mail address over an hour ago and have yet to receive an answer—it probably takes time for the request to reach the basement of the Kabbalah Centre, where a Name-determining sweatshop staffed by indentured mactress servants open The Big Book Of Kabbalah Names, insert a cramped, overworked finger, and then e-mail back the result. We really hope our 72 Name is Steve. We always wanted to be a Steve.