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After spending two development seasons discovering that merely being Jewish didn't guarantee the pick-up of one of his sitcom pilots, LAT Sunday Hollywood opinion-haver Joel Stein briefly thrusts himself into the bosoms of Scientology and Kabbalah. Stein finds the hot fake-Jewesses of the K-Centre preferable to the tasty brunch of the Celeb Centre, leading to some truly disturbing red-string cockring and handjob imagery:

The Kabbalah Centre is on Robertson Boulevard in an unimpressive building that, unlike the Celebrity Centre, seemed unworthy of its British spelling. But inside it had a much more modern, Ian Schragery feel with a gift shop selling candles, Fred Segal-level T-shirts and books about sex. And though there were no celebrities in sight, it was packed with hot Jewish women.

As I signed in for the free lecture on Tuesday and Thursday nights, Renit told me she liked my shirt. Then she looked at my questionnaire, where I put my date of birth, and wished me a happy birthday. I was ready to put little red strings around all my appendages.

I arrived at the small lecture room first. There were flowers on each table. Candles burned. "All You Need Is Love" played gently in the background. I felt relatively sure I was about to get a massage from a hot Jewish chick. I decided I would not say no if offered a Happy Shalom. [...]

Now that Stein has exhausted the career-advancing possibilities of Judaism, Scientology, and Kabbalah, the Gays should probably gird themselves for an unannounced visit. They shouldn't let any skinny guys in glasses into happy hour at the Abbey or cocktails at David Geffen's house without administering a full body-cavity search, just to make sure they won't be involved in oblique anal sex references and Queer Eye jokes in next week's Op-Ed section.