Just as we were about to laugh a little bit at Juno Lynn Spears' decision to spend her 17th birthday at a Ruby Tuesday restaurant and going on a shopping spree at Wal-Mart, we remembered back to our 17th birthday and stopped laughing. We were in college, in suburbia, and spent the day in class, then at some chain restaurant with our boyfriend, and probably at the movies in the mall. How quickly we forget that Jamie Lynn is still just a kid! Just because she's grown up before our eyes and starred in a hit show and, well, gotten pregnant, doesn't mean the girl shouldn't abandon her awkward late teen years and all the mall-filled nights that go with them. More details on our favorite real-life Juno and her day of kicking "16 And Pregnant!!!" headlines to the curb, after the jump.

There's some good news and bad news to report regarding Juno Lynn Spears' wedding plans and, in standard fashion, we'll present the bad news first: Jamie Lynn will apparently not be getting hitched, nor moving back to, LA. Sorry to disappoint any of you who adore the sounds of helicopters circling 'round and 'round your neighborhood daily, or the great fun of late-night gurney trips the young mother will no doubt be taking over the next few years. The good news? Jamie Lynn's gonna look hot in her wedding dress! More details on what her trailertastic plan is to ensure she looks "beautiful" walking down the aisle after the jump.

[Child with child Jamie-Lynn Spears (sister of broken Picasso painting Britney) in Louisiana yesterday; image via Splash]

Judging by some of the odder items featured on Juno Lynn Spears' alleged baby registry, it seems as though the 16 year-old is hopeful that her precious little one will turn out to be another Spears family cash cow. As People revealed this morning, Jamie Lynn drove over 80 miles from her home in Kentwood to register her bundle of joy at Babies R Us (we're guessing the internet must've been down in Kentwood?). Listed among necessities like strollers and baby monitors priced at $199, the mommy-to-be has picked out some jazzy presents designed to jump start an infant's road to insta-stardom, which will likely come via a role on some Nickelodeon song-and-dance show. See the full list, including the Idol-in-training items, after the jump.

The Spears family is never short on surprises, and today's announcement that Juno Lynn Spears' sperminator Casey Aldridge will go from babydaddy to fiance is one of the most pleasant ones we've heard in years. Casey, who's all of 18, apparently gifted Jamie-Lynn with the extraordinarily detailed-in-description "rock" a few days ago, and People reports that Spears has been flashing it around ever since to friends and family. All we're left wondering is what kind of party the heavily preggers Jamie Lynn will throw come April 2nd, the date of her 17th birthday. Our suggestion? An Abba-themed 70s dance-a-thon, during which JL will sing/cry her way through "Dancing Queen, young and sweet, only seventeeeeeen" over and over and over. [People]

Come April 4th, Juno Lynn Spears will finally turn one year older (and, we can only hope, wiser), at which point she'll finally be able to escape the nasty stigma of being Sweet 16 And Pregnant. But, sadly, she will never be able to escape the stigma of being Britney Spears' sister. At least, not technically. But based on photographs taken of the smiling Jamie Lynn in Louisiana yesterday, she may have figured out a way to distance herself from The Package using nothing but her wardrobe. While we are not necessarily advocating short shorts and visible bras as appropriate outerwear for pregnant teens, when you compare it to Britney's penchant for visible bellies and bikini tops worn as, well, tops, Jamie Lynn looks downright Victorian in comparison.

Break out your varsity jackets and teasing combs, because Beverly Hills: 90210 is getting a B12 shot in the ass. As THR reports this morning, the beloved fictional halls of West Beverly will be refurbished and re-populated with a brand new spinoff on the CW. Though a pilot has yet to be written by Veronica Mars producer Rob Thomas, and the tweeny network has yet to sign any papers, we'd like to prevent Aaron Spelling from rolling over in his grave by offering our own suggestions for who should play the new versions of Brenda, Brandon and their rotating group of bed buddies. Although we kinda doubt a marching band dusted with school spirit could help our Donna Martin graduate...

Even more disturbing than the chastity belt-like lock and key chain on the front page of Jamie Lynn Spears' website is the fact that it hasn't been updated since June 2007. Well that, and certain images appearing under the tab "Cool Stuff." Such as? A smiling Kate Hudson, a frowning Chad Michael Murray, and...an image of the Statue of David. Way to show your vast knowledge of both celebrities and iconic works of art, Juno Lynn! But is a photo of you showing off your empty uterus in a skin-tight dress at last June's premiere of Nancy Drew really the latest "News" you're offering your tweeny fans?

• Katie Holmes may be pregnant again. Celebrate now, there will be plenty of time to figure out which Scientology God's sperm impregnated her later. [OK!]

Whether or not you believe the U.K.'s News of the World's highly dubious but insanely entertaining account of the events that led up to her 5150 Straightjacket Meltdown, one specific detail particularly resonated: The one where Britney calls up Jamie Lynn, says, "You're not going to be the only fucking Spears on the front cover of a magazine next week," then abruptly hangs up on her.

Hi! I'm Nick Douglas, Gawker's foreign correspondent from the Internet. Basically, if I'd been here earlier, you'd have known about LOLcats before your receptionist did. Let's start with something easy: a YouTube video called "Pregnant Jamie Lynn Speaks Out." It's got over a million views, it's by a sketch comedy group called Good Neighbor, and it's basically a little kid playing Jamie for a fake TMZ interview.

· Apropos of nothing save our own need to get the f'hell out of here (we have tuxedo fittings, noisemaker sound checks, and blind champagne testings to get to), we thought we'd rerun our personal favorite video of the year—QVC chicks getting down! We can only hope to party half as hard as the comfotunic-selling ladies of shop-at-home television did early in October.
· We bid three fond farewells to our departing Gawker comrades.
· Worker 3116 imagines what Alien Vs. Predator Vs. A Crowd of Fussygussy New Year's Eve Party Guests might sound like.
· "For Lease - Trendy Area - Not Here - This Clearly Not Trendy - We Know That - What We Look Like - Hick From Van Nuys" [via Franklin Ave]

· Well, at least we know where Mike Huckabee stands on the Jamie Lynn Spears issue. To the rest of the candidates: We're waiting.
· After taking the whole family to see The Water Horse, Angelina Jolie is now intent on adopting one of the adorable baby Nessies to add to her ever-growing, multicultural brood.
· How one laid off below-the-line staffer learned to stop worrying and love the strike.
· Now you have no excuse for driving on New Year's Eve (unless you plan on spending it anywhere on the Westside): "All Metro Rail lines will run all night, every 20 minutes."
· The Oscar ballots are officially in the USPS's hands now: God be with them, and may they never end up in the dead-letter office Santa's P.O. Box.
· Now, thanks to the internet, you can stare indecisively at the contents of other people's fridges from around the world.

Jamie Lynn Spears's tot saga is really shaping up to be 2008's answer to the onion-layers complexity of big sis's 2007 mental breakdown. Newest development: the dad might not be fellow recent-driver's-license-acquirer Casey Aldridge, but an exec at the kiddie net Nickelodeon, according to a Star magazine report:

When news first broke that Jamie Lynn Spears, the up-and-coming, 16-year-old sister to down-and-going, 26-year-old Britney Spears, had made up her mind and was keeping her baby, those looking for someone to blame instantly turned to Lynne Spears—a big-league stage mother seemingly incapable of keeping her litter in check. Now, the publisher of what was widely reported to have been a guide to good parenting authored by Lynne leaps to her defense, claiming the book was in fact a cautionary tale about the pitfalls of breeding children for fame—a subject on which Lynne is arguably the world's foremost expert:

In all fairness, when the ladies of The View rendered their initial opinions on The Jamie Lynn Spears Knocking-Up Controversy yesterday, they'd had precious little time to sort through their thoughts on a very complicated and polarizing situation; under the circumstances, who can blame Sherri Shepherd for indulging her gut reaction by brandishing a steak knife and declaring that she'd like to "cut the evil bastard-making stick off the virginity-stealing heathen" that unexpectedly put Jamie Lynn in a family way?

Faced with perhaps their trickiest PR dilemma since it was discovered that Jimmy Neutron's true boy genius was for producing some of the most potent meth in the western United States, Nickelodeon now has a star of Zoey 101 on their hands who was apparently absent for the lecture on how to not to be impregnated by your older boyfriend. To their credit, the network has opted not to put Zoey in a variety of ever-expanding smock-tops and pretend the pregnancy never happened, perhaps addressing her dramatic weight gain with a PSA on the dangers of Oreo addiction. Instead, they have a teen pregnancy special in the works, hosted by touchy-subject expert Linda Ellerbee:

As America struggles to cope with the reality of the one doodle that can't be undid, Homeskillet, we gather the latest updates in the Jamie Lynn Spears Teen Pregnancy Shocker! Disaster! Nightmare!:
· What's a trailerpark nativity story without an Uncle Odus? According to the Baptist preacher kin of It Babydaddy Casey Aldridge, the family is "shocked and yet we aren't." Which is Baptist preacherspeak for, "Jamie Lynn is a nice girl. For a Spears." [TMZ]
· Well, here's your problem right here, see: Someone left the key lying around to Jamie Lynn's heart-shaped chastity lock. [jamielynnspears.com]
· The good news: From what everyone is saying, Aldridge is a fine young man with his feet on the ground (and his hands in the Nickelodeon splat-branded cookie jar). [People]
· A "Spears family insider" claims Jamie Lynn and Casey have already broken up, and that she doesn't even want him to be in the delivery room. [Life & Style]

With the news that Britney's little sister Jamie Lynn Spears was preggers came an avalanche of media insanity. Will we have not one, but two Spears vaginas to keep track of now? Whose baby will fetch more cash for tabloid photos? Whose baby's daddy will have the worse rap career? And what about Gramma Spears' bookdeal? Let's take a look at the sibling rivalry and the JLS reaction.

The date:December 18, 2007

The place:Online

Sighted:16-year-old Jamie Lynn Spears declaring her pregnancy on the cover of OK! Magazine.