The new Vogue is like an attack ad against Adobe Photoshop. You can practically hear the ominous attack-ad music in the background as you gaze upon Gwyneth Paltrow's detached head, hovering "a full foot in front of her neck" on the cover. So far, more than 10,000 votes in a GoFugYourself.com poll support the notion that Paltrow "looks like an alien" in the shot. The photo has of course been named an official Photoshop Disaster. Vogue may have pulled off the neat trick of making as much of a mess of its front in May as it did in April. It certainly took some heat off Marie Claire, which up until now had been this month's poster child for ASME airbrushing guidelines with this strange cover involving the TV producer and actress Tina Fey:

Though Gwyneth Paltrow hasn't done much acting lately (aside from announcing over and over that she's taking a break from it), she's still managing to make headlines for her time-tested preference for bizarre fashion. Most recently she's taken a page from her infamous Oscar goth screwup and picked a pair of tarantula-like black sandals to wear to a charity event in New York last night. A closer look at the half-boot half-sandal contraptions after the jump.

[Model Helena Christensen with actress Gwyneth Paltrow the Food Bank's Can-Do awards last night in New York; image via Bauer-Griffin]

Between a needles-and-drugs-heavy induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and the upcoming release of a hotly buzzed new album touched by Timbahands, cooch-bearing prizefighter Madonna has had a run lately of the sort of positive, lightly controversial publicity that has defined her career from its jelly-bracelet-adorned nascency. But now comes another wave of unwelcome and unorchestrated chatter from the British tabloid press, saying the singer and her filmmaker husband of seven years Guy Ritchie have finally agreed to go their separate ways:

Yes, sadly, it's that time again. Time to stare into the lifeless abyss that is the Swan Dress. But Bjork's legendary snafu has friends! Like Celine Dion's Backwards Suit, Gwyneth Paltrow's Saggy Boob Goth Gown and Corey Feldman's Hammer Pants. All have appeared at one Oscars showdown or another, and all are here for your enjoyment once again.

Mid-February must be Hepatitis A season, as nearly a year-to-the-day from the Wolfgang Puck scare that made rubber surgical gloves and gas masks the accessories of choice at awards season soirées comes another potentially devastating celebrity contagion. Ashton Kutcher celebrated his 30th birthday [ed. note: Again?] two weeks ago at a club in New York, but it's only just now surfaced that a waitress working there at the time was infected with the jaundicing disease, putting such luminaries in attendance as Madonna and Gwyneth Paltrow (and, to a lesser urgent-extent, Molly Sims and Rachel Zoe) at risk. Star magazine reports:

Paltrow has it all: an Oscar, a rock star husband, and two cute kids; for everything else, check her blog.

Phone-tapping tipster: "Sitting across from gwyneth at cookshop. shes hot, but perhaps she should start eating?"

Having perhaps developed a new sense of perspective on What Really Matters since surviving a kale-induced gastrointestinal attack, Gwyneth Paltrow has again emerged from self-imposed career hiatus to deliver an important announcement on the current state of her always-tentative relationship to stardom. Sadly, however, the words "red-carpeted hole in my soul that no amount of baby-burping can fill" appear nowhere in the declaration, as the actress tells U.K. magazine Now that she currently has no immediate plans to return to Hollywood's ass-kissy embrace:

We realize we left many of you hanging since noting Tuesday of the shocking hospitalization of Gwyneth Paltrow for a mystery ailment, which some were hypothesizing resulted from the actress's experimenting with a strict, raw-foods-only intestinal-purging regimen. Well, none other than celebrity chef Mario Batali [Ed. note: Pause to rhapsodize about Mozza's fresh ricotta and egg raviolo with browned butterrrargghlerrrarrh...] has confirmed to usmagazine.com that the troubles were indeed isolated to her digestive tract:

Amid your sympathy for America's abused celebrities, who starve themselves to stay beautiful or binge to blot out the noise, spare a thought for the poor paparazzi. Britney Spears is suing one, and sleeping with another; four more were arrested yesterday. This rather mild New Zealand photographer experienced the famous wrath of Bjork, the Icelandic singer-songwriter. The latest victim of a crazed celebrity: a photographer outside the New York hospital to which Gwyneth Paltrow was admitted, who was attacked by her husband, Coldplay frontman Chris Martin. New York Post is hosting the video. Hit the thumb for the frame-by-frame, as Martin grabs the paparazzo, pushes him to the ground, and grabs his camera. (And remember: it's your clicks that pit celebrity against photographer.)

Here's what we know about the Gwyneth Paltrow Mystery Ailment Hospitalization Shocker currently shaking the celebrity-health-monitoring tabloid news establishment to its core: Usmagazine.com reports that the actress was admitted to the Mount Sinai Hospital in New York yesterday afternoon, "slumped over in a wheelchair pushed by [husband] Chris Martin. She looked not well." Then, at 6:30 p.m. a bag—clearly labeled "Gwyneth Martin"— arrived from a local organic produce store.

Gwyneth Paltrow, that classy New York-bred actress, has fallen prey to what so many others have surrendered to: the damned raw food diet, or whatever people are calling their weirdo compulsive eating habits these days! (It used to be called "starving yourself.")

Mario Batali, owner of Babbo et al and the man whose ample physicality has filled Food Network television kitchens for years, has been dropped from the network, the Post's Braden Keil reports today with ill-concealed schadenfreude. That means no more Jake Gyllenhaal just stopping by to sample the culatello! Perhaps the more tragic loss is that Batali will no longer appear on the rigged cooking show Iron Chef America. So what of Batali now?

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week, so them in often. Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and tell everyone about the time you spotted Wentworth Miller leaving his prison blueprints tattoo behind in the YMCA pool.

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week, so don't hesitate to share those brushes with celebrity greatness with the rest of the world. Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and tell everyone about the time you spotted Dunder Mifflin's two most annoying employees grabbing separate, late-night bites at the 101 Café.

Things we don't know: What exactly our filthy-minded reader thought they were going to find by searching for that dirty, awful—just awful!—word; how Netflix's search engine ties notable films and/or individuals to specific keywords. Things we do know: This is an incredibly unfair way to treat two of the 20th century's greatest humanitarians. We sincerely hope that whatever technical glitch is responsible for this uglinees will be cleared up by morning.

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week, so send them in often. Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and let everyone know about Gwyneth Paltrow's passive aggressive way of saying that you and your kid are taking too much time at the candy counter.

· Kicked in the ass by the documentary This Film Is Not Yet Rated, the MPAA is trying to "demystify" the movie ratings system, making ratings rules public on its web site and disclosing previously guarded information about the composition of its shadowy Classification & Rating Administration. Also: they'll introduce a new way to warn parents that certain R-rated movies contain too many pairs of exposed breasts to ever be viewed by impressionable children. [Variety]
· After wasting valuable pre-production time looking for a "Gwyneth Paltrow type" to play a supporting role in the upcoming Iron Man movie, Marvel Entertainment decides to throw enough money at the real deal to get Paltrow to consent to play a superhero's personal assistant. [THR]
· Embracing its corporate mandate to get cheaper in the first hour of primetime, NBC orders six episodes of celebrity improvisation series Thank God You're Here; to balance its responsible order, president Kevin Reilly plans to announce he's given an Aaron Sorkin-penned drama set behind the scenes at a celebrity-improv comedy show a four-season pick-up. [Variety]
· In further NBC pick-up news, the networks gives The Office, My Name Is Earl, and Law & Order: The Sex Victims One full-season orders for next year. [THR]
· Fox picks up 11 episodes of the reality show When Women Rule the World, in which 12 attractive women are given a society to run, and get to trade insufficiently productive man-slaves for supplies crucial to the expansion of their Amazonian utopia. Fox president Peter Liguori calls the series "an important opportunity to explore the societal implications of allowing a dozen hot, drunk chicks to order around a bunch of shirtless out-of-work actors." [Variety]

• 'Member that nasty comment we reported Gwyneth making to a Portuguese newspaper yesterday, about how the Brits are more "civilized and intelligent" than we are? Today, Mrs. Chris Martin defuses our suspicion that she might be a snotty bitch by pointing out that those quotes were taken from a press conference she conducted in Spanish. Oh, you know what, wait — still snotty. [Defamer]