America's fascination with Gwyneth Paltrow seems to have dwindled much in the years since she married the British soft-rocker of her dreams and birthed various produce- and Bible-inspired progeny. Her press coverage has become mostly limited to the basic formula of "Gwyneth Paltrow said snooty thing X," followed soon thereafter by "Gwyneth Paltrow refutes having said snooty thing X; instead said somewhat less snooty thing Y." The entire media cycle began anew with a recent, widely reported quote ("The British are much more intelligent and civilized than the Americans,"), attributed to the actress and allegedly spoken to a Portuguese journalist. Now comes the second part of the equation:

Nope, not a Photoshop joke this time. Just a rather unfortunate but nevertheless unintentionally appropriate photo-spread break in Harper's Bazaar. Full spread after the jump, courtesy of the eagle-eyed goldenfiddle.

Because it's Friday, we're too hung over to work very hard, and it sounds like it might be fun to create an endless blog-feedback loop of hastily thrown together Photoshop parodies of Gwyneth Paltrow's infinitely mockable "I Am African" ads, we're sharing two of the submissions readers made to the informal contest east-coasted sister site Gawker kicked off based on our Mel Gibson-themed "I Am Israeli" offering from late yesterday. But in the interest of adding something new to the conversation, we point out today's Smoking Gun story that may help explain Patrick Swayze's motives (besides the usual, boring, self-promotional ones) for defending Gibson recently, in which Swayze crashes a Cessna, asks witnesses to ignore the Old Milwaukee fumes rising from his body while helping him ditch his onboard stash of booze, and which offers the dubious "pressurization problem" excuse as a novel aeronautical alternative to the more common "dehydration" gambit we've all come to know and love. Poor Swayze. It really does look like he's hasn't eaten since they packed up the craft services table on Black Dog.

The mocking flows fast & furious regarding Gwyneth Paltrow's "I Am African" ad. We naively wondered how long it would take for the parodies to start flooding in after the inevitable Mel Gibson treatment, and we received a fair flood of same. Most were crap, but the above strikes just the right tone of righteous indignation. After the jump, a couple more reader contributions that are even more disposable, but then we never can leave well enough alone.

Africa's recent run as the hottest continent for Hollywood's charity-minded tastemakers to embrace finally comes to an end with this Gwyneth Paltrow ad, in which the Sliding Doors and Bounce star one-ups good works icon Angelina Jolie by symbolically adopting all of Africa, not just a single, too-trendy nation willing to host a publicity-attracting celebrity birth. However, the trendsetting Jolie knows that public awareness campaigns consist of more than just having one's stylist dig up some beads and smear some eyeshadow on one's face, and will prove that she'll always be ahead of the fashionable do-gooder curve by leaving Africa to move her family into an abandoned well in rural Bangladesh, then turning down all movie projects that refuse to shoot on location in her new homeland.

Yup. And I'm packing fourteen inches.

• Woody Harrelson chokes a TMZ photographer outside of an LA nightclub. The LAPD is investigating, thought Harrelson was believed to have been in a foul mood after losing his beloved hemp necklace. [TMZ]
• The Devil Wears Prada having fully run its successful course, it's high time for another roman a clef — Wunderkind by Karen Yampolsky is a not-so-veiled account of her time as former Jane EIC Jane Pratt's assistant. Pratt is portrayed positively, but there's naturally a horrid Wintour character that plays into the story. Read about how Jane Pratt was forced to eat veal and marvel at Wintour's endless capacity for evil. [R&M]
• 14-year-old Jamie-Lynn Spears has a castmember on Zoey 101 fired, screaming that the little girl will "never work in this town together." Isn't it awful when life imitates Entourage? [Page Six]
• What is it about Lloyd Grove that consistently has him on the hip-hop beat? If ever there were the whitest white man... [Lowdown]
• Gwyneth Paltrow, having had her fill of "retirement" and "motherhood," will return to the big screen with a career-making role alongside Ben Stiller. [Page Six]
• After having prominent homos like Elton John removed from a party in Milan, Pharrell Williams faces losing his lucrative contract with Louis Vuitton. The Velvet Mafia never forgets. [Gatecrasher]

• Amongst bad-guy PI Anthony Pellicano's tapes are recordings of phone calls from Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman, reports Vanity Fair. In one, Kidman jokes to a friend, "So, Tom, are you listening Tom? Am I saying what what you want me to say?" Well, that choice bit should clear up any questions about Cruises "marriage" deals. [R&M]
• It's official: Nothing is ever good in Teri Hatcher's world. Yesterday a lightbulb exploded on the set of Desperate Housewives, leaving the star with an eyepatch after having to have a shard of glass removed from her eye. Maybe Clooney should send her some flowers. [IMDb]
• Just weeks after having her second child, Gwyneth Paltrow emerges looking "slimmer than ever." Kill at will, ladies. [Lowdown]
• The Paris Hilton doppelganger isn't that good at her game — she was ejected and banned from Stereo after trying to squeeze herself between Axl Rose and Stephon Marbury. [Page Six]
• Calvin and Kelly Klein finalize their divorce, and it only took them 10 years of separation to do so. Calvin's probably treating himself to a celebratory cabana boy right now. [Page Six]

The Sunday NY Times delves into the preposterous waters of celebrity baby naming, and all of the greatest hits get mentioned: Penn Jillette's daughter Moxie CrimeFighter, Jason Lee's son Pilot Inspektor, and of course, the reigning dumb name champion, Apple Martin. (Curiously, however, Nicholas Cage's Kryptonian superspawn Kal-el gets nary a mention.) The article interprets the trend as something of an creative-heir insurance policy: that no matter how ordinary the kid ends up being, at least something about them will be special, just like their famous folks.

Gwyneth Paltrow and husband Chris Martin set the stupid celebrity baby name bar absurdly high on their fruit-inspired first try, dooming their second child to disappointed shrugs and "Eh, it's not that bad" indifference. But Moses? Did they even try? We were kind of hoping they were going to stay with the inanimate-objects-in-the-kitchen theme and come up with something truly inspired, like Placemat or Four Slice Toaster.

Another day, another unfortunately named celebrity baby, as actress Gwyneth Paltrow has given birth to her second child with Coldplay singer Chris Martin. While the newborn does not have an edible name like that of his big sister Apple, the couple has done their best to ensure their child a life full of misery — the baby has been named Moses Martin. You might think this is an homage to the Old Testament, but remember: these are celebrities, and famous people just don't think like that. We suspect the Moses choice has more to do with a popular song of the same name from Coldplay's Live 2003 album. If so, Babies Proof and Yellow can't be far behind.

• One night after she was seen having Guinness with dinner, pregnant Gwyneth Paltrow is spotted downing glasses of wine at Lupa. Here's hoping she names the kid Franzia. [Gatecrasher (2nd item)]
• Cindy Adams gives an inexplicable shout-out to Lindsay Lohan, who has a dog that "may be having mental problems." Oh, Cindy — quit projecting. [Cindy Adams]
• Loudmouthed hookerpants Anna Benson files for divorce from former Mets pitcher Kris Benson, claiming that he's cheated on her. Benson, we suspect, is relieved. [Deadspin]
• Even if he's a longshot, should Vanity Fair editor Graydon Carter replace Brad Grey as head of Paramount, we'll fly to Los Angeles just so we can slit our wrists in Hollywood. [Page Six]
• Beyoncé's father challenges American Idol creator Simon Cowell to a pre-fabricated musical duel. Slow news day. [Lowdown]

• At Lower East Side sushi joint Cube 63, Gwyneth Paltrow is seen downing a Guinness — some doctors say that the stout is alright for expecting mothers because of its iron content. Later, as she downed her third redheaded slut, she told onlookers that the J ger was good for baby's liver. [Gatecrasher]
• Good Morning America executive producer John Green doesn't want to book former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright because she has "Jew shame," which is much worse than the average "Jew guilt," we suppose. [Page Six]
• With all the news about the 9/11 911 tapes being released, Lloyd Grove's headline, "Tale of the 911 Tape: Star Jones Was in Peril," was surprisingly challenging for us to comprehend. [Lowdown]
• Page Six finally decides to throw a bone to Ellen Barkin, claiming that she'll have the last laugh in her divorce from Ron Perelman. Why? Because she'll have an on-screen romance with Matt Damon in Ocean's 13. As if being in that overstretched franchise does anyone any good. [Page Six]
• Justin Timberlake thinks that his ex-girlfriend Britney Spears' husband, the luscious Kevin Federline, is "gross." Way to go out on a limb there with the risky opinions. [Scoop]

Somehow, Gwyneth Paltrow has developed the reputation of being somewhat of a Coldfish over the years, and frankly, we're stumped as to the reasons why. Take for example this interview with the UK's Guardian, in which she reveals her relaxed, fun take on alcohol consumption:

It won't be long before it's time to fire up the old birthing jacuzzi: Reports have surfaced that Her Miramax Majesty and celebrated fertility goddess Gwyneth Paltrow is once again with child:

• The reports from New Year's in Miami are predictable: Lohan hospitalized, Mischa Barton and Cisco Adler fight over Mr. Bongjangles, Vin Diesel acts hetero, and Nicole Richie awkwardly poses for "promotional purposes" with ex-fiancé DJ AM. What, exactly, were they promoting? The dangers of celebrity engagements? [Page Six]
• Enrique Iglesias spent New Year's entertaining the sons of Libyan dictator Moammar Khadafy, but the feds were too busy tapping your phone line to notice. [R&M]
• Cutbacks at the Times leads to the close of the nurse's office. Alas, no more Snoopy band-aids for Punch. [Page Six]
• After calling in Kabbalah ghostbusters to cleanse her "haunted" London home, Gwyneth Paltrow is diagnosed as officially retarded. [Scoop]
• Amanda Peet flips off a smiley fan in the East Village. Just like any native New Yorker would, really. [Lowdown]

Given that onetime hard-working actress Gwyneth Paltrow's baby-hampered theatrical output in 2005 was limited to Proof, one of the little movie darlings the Weinsteins quietly suffocated with a pillow before leaving Miramax for their own company, the only news coming out of Camp Paltrow involved either political musings or semi-veiled public threats of violence against those who might dare to shoot photography-retardant daughter Apple. Still, our appetite for Gwynnie-related news is undiminished, and so the desperate celebrity-obsessed press temporarily sates us by shoveling this tidbit about potential Paltrow birthing practices into our gaping maw:

Gwyneth Paltrow has a long list of places she wouldn't dare step foot into for various health-safety reasons, beginning with the United States, and now, public restrooms:

· Edward Norton and Brad Pitt will produce a 10-part miniseries for HBO and National Geographic based on a Stephen Ambrose book on Lewis and Clark. Norton will direct at least one of the episodes, with Brad Pitt set to pretend he'd heard of Lewis and Clark before he was presented with the project. [Variety]
· 20th Century Fox TV signs Antoine Fuqua to an exclusive television directing deal, hoping that the director can translate some of the magic of King Arthur and the last half-hour of Training Day to the small screen. [THR]
· CBS wins a "fierce bidding war" for the sitcom Class, about a "group of eight twentysomethings who were all in the same third-grade class 20 years ago. Most of the group doesn't keep in touch or even remember one another. They're brought together again by happenstance when one of them throws a surprise anniversary party for his girlfriend — whom he met in the third grade." High concept enough for you? No? Bam: There's "no one living room where they gather." Welcome to the age of the multiple-couch sitcom. [Variety]
· Not to put too fine a point on it, but ABC continues to make all Sunday night competition its bitch. [THR]
· Gwyneth Paltrow will star in The Good Night, a film directed by her brother and shooting mostly in London, mercifully keeping the Bride of Coldplay away from America for a little while longer. [Variety]

From the latest issue of Vogue, which proving to be a goldmine of inane comedy: