Donald Trump, at once the most verbose and inarticulate candidate the country has ever seen, is just not getting the chance to spew his bumbling inaccuracies these days.

Most of the 14 (??) remaining GOP candidates congregated in Washington yesterday to put themselves at the mercy of the Republican Jewish Coalition. It was a spectacular display of men (and Carly Fiorina) who generally devote a lot of energy to convincing people that they are deeply Christian competing to answer one, important question: Who can pander to Jews the hardest?

Here’s a lovely update from The Tampa Bay Times in its writeup about the Donald Trump rally in Sarasota, Florida on Saturday:

Even on a national holiday, Donald Trump can’t help himself from being a petulant slice of stinking, festive shit-pie.

Another day, another enemy for Donald Trump.

The above is Donald Trump’s reaction to the backlash after he tweeted out a race-baiting image that featured a mess of wildly erroneous stats on race and crime.

The squeaky wheel gets the grease, and politicians are the squeakiest wheels of all.

Donald Trump, a man known for accusing Megyn Kelly of having her period, cherishes women—oh yes. But did you know he cherishes men, too?

“I obviously am not happy about the events that happened last week in Paris…. BUT” is never a sentence that will end well.

Donald Trump’s waterfall of regurgitated chatter continued on Sunday, with quips about Muslim databases, 9/11, and bringing back water-boarding. And over all of it, he also suggested that he would run for president as independent if he doesn’t get the Republican nod.

A black protester who tried to interrupt a speech by Donald Trump at a rally in Birmingham, Alabama was set upon by the candidate’s supporters.

Bobby Jindal, the Louisiana governor dedicated to making his state’s education system worse, became yet another Republican candidate to drop out of the presidential race on Tuesday. “I’ve come to the realization that this is not my time,” he told Fox News. That’s true. Bobby Jindal’s “time” was six years ago, when a bunch of dumb pundits said he would be the “next Reagan” and the “GOP’s Obama.”

The Annenberg public polling firm just released the findings of Republican voter focus group, in which each candidate is described with a litany of the worst and most confusing metaphors: Donald Trump is “Dennis the Menace: ‘doesn’t necessarily have bad intentions, but he can screw some things up.’”

What if I told you that you could lose 15 lbs. in five months with no calorie-counting, treadmills, or embarrassing weigh-ins? You can even eat snacks. All you have to do is work yourself into blindly racist huff one-to-three times per day, and you will see results. Just ask Donald Trump!

Real-life comic book villain Rupert Murdoch emerged from the algae-encrusted slime cave he dwells in on Monday to give his sage musings on the news of the day.

Iowa Congressman Steve King continued to raise doubts about Barack Obama’s place of birth long after the president released his longform birth certificate. As late as last year, he was still asserting that wherever Obama may have been born, he was “not raised with an American experience.” Which is presumably why King just endorsed a real American—Canadian-born Ted Cruz—for president.

With heaping plate of candied yams Donald Trump and Stabbity Ben Carson still leading the chase for the GOP nomination as we head into the holiday season, members of the party establishment are becoming so fearful of ending up with a novelty candidate that they’re considering a last-ditch effort to draft Mitt Romney as their nominee, the Washington Post reports.

After last nights’s 187th Republican presidential debate, SBNation’s PFT Commenter asked Ben Carson—who thinks abortion should be outlawed even in cases of rape and incest—a very important question. “You are perhaps the most anti-Hitler but also the most anti-abortion candidate,” he said. “Would you be in favor of aborting baby Hitler?”

Donald Trump is definitely not a racist xenophobe, he’s just a normal presidential candidate whose immigration plan would be modeled after an Eisenhower-era mass deportation called “Operation Wetback.” The real estate tycoon and seasonally appropriate squash made approving reference to likable Ike’s Mexican roundup during Tuesday night’s GOP debate:

Donald Trump, it turns out, may not be the Christmas Grinch we all thought he was. No, he’s something much worse: a heat miser with a heart of coal, but a façade as warm and tan as a plump Christmas goose.