The Annenberg public polling firm just released the findings of Republican voter focus group, in which each candidate is described with a litany of the worst and most confusing metaphors: Donald Trump is “Dennis the Menace: ‘doesn’t necessarily have bad intentions, but he can screw some things up.’”

It makes sense that the most cartoonish band of candidates in recent memory would evoke images of the Incredible Hulk, Tasmanian Devil, and Superman. But the focus group also used all sorts of other colorful turns of phrase when asked to characterize the candidate crop:

When asked “What’s their backbone made of?,” Trump received answers of “steel” and “gold,” while Jeb Bush got “Jell-O, yarn, Play-Doh, straw, marshmallow,” the Wall Street Journal reports. It remains sad to be Jeb Bush. (Ben Carson got answers of “wood” and, for some reason, “dinosaur bones.”)

To assess voters’ perceptions of the candidates, they were asked to let their imaginations run wild:

Two questions were: “Let us suppose (the candidate) were a member of your family—what relative would he or she be? Also, let us suppose this candidate were a comic strip or TV fictional character—who would they be?” Their answers are revealing. We will detail the two leaders (Trump and Carson), and provide a short take on the others.

The results are exactly what we thought, that voters adore Donald Trump because he is a rich, vindictive boor, a “husband” who “hollers at me, then spoils me”:

He’s also described by one focus group member as the“straw that stirs the drink,” which sounds like a Zen aphorism but I don’t think actually means anything. What’s clear is that the people want a Loud Hothead as their leader.

Carson’s results were far milder—his “grandpa with dementia” persona is a large part of his allure:

It’s true that Superman combined with the telekinetic powers of Professor X would fuckin’ rule.

The focus group thoroughly emasculated Marco Rubio:

Those who know Rubio still see him as a little brother, buddy, or sidekick. He is still Linus to Charlie Brown and Robin to a stronger leader’s Batman.

But the feedback on Jeb Bush was the most devastating at all, with descriptions comparing him to Stewie from Family Guy and an allegation that he was the result of failed prophylactics:

He is Stewie in Family Guy, “too dependent on his family,” or Wile E. Coyote following Roadrunner around. He encapsulates so much of what Republican primary voters dislike about establishment candidates: he’s a “career politician,” a “pushover,” and he’s “wishy washy.” Many feel they cannot trust his stances on issues and that he is just saying things to get himself elected. In their hypothetical family, he is the ex-brother-in-law (“don’t like him anymore”), or the much younger “oops” brother, as one respondent colorfully quipped.

The findings conclude by noting that the focus group wants “Republicans to ‘just shut up’ about same-sex marriage.”

You can read the full report here.

Photo: Getty

Contact the author at biddle@gawker.com.
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